Speech by Wayne and George

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Wayne and George
Speech Date: oct 2004
The speech

W Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming to this wonderful celebration of marriage, between Vicky and Darin.

G The two of them look dazzling today, especially the way the lights are shining off Darin's Head. It looks like he's polished it especially.

W For those of you who don't know us, I am Wayne and this is George. Thank you all for coming, we know some of you have come far and wide to be here.

G He's not with us, but we would like to thank the vicar for giving the ceremony earlier, he was telling me about the state of marriages today, he reckons that 50 percent of all people who get married, (pause) are women.

W Anyway I would like to start by thanking Geoff and Karen's devotion and generosity for making this occasion a dream wedding day for the lucky couple.

G Yes I think we can all agree that everything looks fantastic today. In particular of course this fabulous marquee were standing in.

W It certainly is an impressive erection at a wedding.

G If you've been hitting the source hard, no your not seeing double, there are two best men.

W We have spent many a night awake

G (yes not together)

W Trying to plan this speech to no avail. We were both so nervous about doing this speech we asked Darin for some advise on how to prepare talking to a large audience.

G So Darin gave us some advise, he said to imagine that you are all naked, so if you don't mind, we going To give it a go (stare, wink at people) cheers Darin.

W On behalf of the bridesmaids and the usher, Id like to thank Darin for his kind words, they all look stunningly beautiful.

G (Pause and stare, “O yes sorry, still on the naked thing”). And by no means least of course Vicky, she is a very special girl and looks absolutely gorgeous today (“pause, shout W”).

W (naked thing)I would like to take this moment and raise a glass to the lovely bride, Vicky. Now Vicky wanted a good looking, fit, intelligent, witty man for her husband, luckily for Darin he got in there 1st!

G Now on the subject of the four day stag do in Prague, we would like to read out this statement on behalf of Darin. Whatever rumours are flying about, Darin did not misbehave.

W He had a couple of beers with the lads, then went to bed while the single lads went clubbing till seven in the morning. (turn to Darin) Sorry mate there never gonna believe that old rubbish!

G As you can see no silly business was had by anyone, especially Ken Dodd here.

(PHOTO)

W And no Darin, we couldn't see your man boobs through that shirt.

(PHOTO)

G We also wish to thank Jan & Danny for there support on this happy occasion. We asked Darin's dad for some advice about the speech, and general pointers about style and tone.

W His advice to us was, “make the speech just like Darin!” We looked at him quizzically.…
So our speech, should be short, thin on top, tight, bulging in the middle and over in a minute?!

G Well I'm not reading it twice!!
Now for those who know Darin he always said he wanted to be a Doctor.
But he never had the patients.

W Then he wanted to be a barber
But he couldn't cut it.

G After that he wanted to be a dentist
but he don't do oral.

W So he then became a computer programmer, live that dream mate!

G It's also great to see Darin letting his hair down today. Especially as over the past few years it's his hair that's been letting him down.
He'll be pleased to hear that there is now a new treatment for balding men on
the market.

W It doesn't actually grow hair, it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have left!
Which is an extremely good opportunity to kill two birds with one stone where Darin is concerned.

G Some of you may be aware of the other loves in Darin's life that Vicky will have to share him with. Firstly his guitar, Now Vicky has often gone downstairs in the morning to find Darin on the couch asleep and hugging his guitar. Naked.

W The other is drink, now it's fair to say, that he likes a drink once in a while. And he doesn't mind where.

G In fact his local is so rough even the arms on the chairs have tattoos.
We were playing the ‘who wants to be a millionaire’ machine the other day and the 1st question was “what are you looking at you tight, porky, tight, faced, tight, loser!”

W Yes it is a great wedding, the Italian (Falvio) has brought the wine, the English have brought the food and the Scotsman has brought his family!

G We both were sent text messages that Darin sent during his early courtship with Vicky. We've got them here and thought we'd read out a series of 4.

W The 1st reads “met a cracking bird, she's hot. Keep you posted. Darin.”

G The second reads “going great with Vicky. Think she could be the one. God she's a babe. Darin”

W The 3rd reads “tonight could be the night with Vick. Bit drunk. Hope it goes ok. D.”

G And the final one read “Wah-hey-heyyy!!”

W They were all sent between the hours of 7pm and 3am on the night in May 2000! From a red ford Orion.

G We now have a few cards to read out from people that couldn't be here today.

GET CARDS

W There are obviously two very important people here today, whom we all have the up most respect for, and quite honestly with whom we could not do without.

G At some stage of the evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day, so if you would all stand as we would like to make a toast to them.

GW The Bar Staff!!

W Seriously though on a more sincere note, we would like to take this opportunity to say, and we're sure you'll all agree that Vicky and Darin, make a very lovely couple, and we wish them all the best for the new chapter in there lives.

G May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

W So ladies and Gentlemen will you please raise your glasses (and Be Upstanding) to join us in a toast, to the new Mr and Mrs Cruickshanks,

GW To Vicky and Darin.