Speech by Wesley Milton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Wesley Milton
Speech Date: june 2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Wes and it is my pleasure to be here today as Lee's Best Man. Please accept my apologies for using these cards, as unfortunately I have the memory span of a fish.

The Glen-yr –Avon have asked me to request that for health and safety reasons nobody gets on the tables during the standing ovation at the end of my speech…

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids and the Usher, I would like to thank Lee for his kind words. I am sure that everyone present will agree that the bridesmaids look lovely, only surpassed by you Sarah, and even Lee has scrubbed up well…

When Lee asked me to be his Best Man, I've got to be honest, I did start to panic; what am I going to say? What can I talk about? Fortunately Lee reassured me and said that if I do a good job today, I can also be the best man at his next wedding.

On occasions such as this, I was terrified and still am about making a speech…that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man…I learnt that up there with the important duties of remembering the wedding rings…..and destroying the negatives of the stag night….was a duty to spend 5 minutes at the reception demolishing Lee's character.

Well in the years that I have known Lee…he has been kind enough to give me endless ammunition for such an occasion….but….out of respect for the happy couple on this…their big day… I have decided not to tell. What I can tell you was that Lee was such an ugly child at birth, the midwife slapped his parents….! Or that Lee goes to the gym every evening after work, telling Sarah that he's working out, but instead spends an hour sitting in the Sauna and Jacuzzi…

I read an interesting fact the other day, that 95% of best man speeches end in disaster, either upsetting the bride or another member of the wedding party, so I have been warned to keep the speech clean, but I am sure if anyone catches me at the bar later, a pint of XXXX tends to make my tongue very loose!!!

This morning whilst Lee and I were getting ready, he told me that he slept like a baby last night…the truth is he woke up every 30 minutes crying for his mummy.

I tried to get in touch with some of Lee's ex girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send a message to wish him all the best, but since the outbreak of foot and mouth, most have been quarantined or shot and burned.

Traditionally, this is the time when I give advice on Wedded Life, which is odd because I am yet to get married…so I have asked around and have come up with some words of advice for the bride and groom:

Something for Lee to consider:

The best way to remember the anniversary is to forget it once
Don't forget the three magic words “You're right dear”
A husbands last words when shopping should be “OK…buy it then”
It is important to get on with your mother in law. A friend of mine didn't speak to his for two years. Not because he didn't like her, he just didn't want to interrupt.
A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

Another I overheard in a pub the other day was one man saying to another “I never knew the meaning of happiness till I got married, but by then it was too late!”

And here is something for Sarah to consider:

It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes this…knows very little about women…or fractions.
Men are like fine wine: It is a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

A friend of mine who was the best man at a wedding last year, provided me with some wisdom in the form of a poem, to help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, called Moods:

Moods of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She will kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She will be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

Moods of a man
Horny
Hungry

So Lee and Sarah you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Lee couldn't have done any better, and Sarah couldn't have done any worse.

During the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 21 years ago Sarah's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…and its happening again today.

Before I read out the cards, I would like to ask Lee and Sarah to participate in this speech…
Sarah if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…
Now Lee you place yours on top of Sarah's…
Lee, take a deep breath and enjoy this moment because it will be the last time you have the upper hand….…

I would now like to read a few cards from friends and relatives that couldn't be here today.…

I have also got a message from the Barceló Maya Beach Resort, Mexico

Lee and Sarah,

Congratulations to you both on this day…we very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one.
Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive…as we are putting something special on for you…running water….and a roof.…

Finally, it would give me great pleasure and not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the bride and groom.