Speech by Will Curtis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Will Curtis
Speech Date: Aug2005
Ladies and gentlemen for those that don't know already my name is will

and it is my great privilege to act as Robs best man today.

A girl like Faye deserves somebody who is good looking, generous, kind and considerate. So why she's married Rob today i do not know!.

Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured to be chosen, though I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been my thing. This is the sixth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

Before I go any further I would just like to say thank you to Romy the bridesmaid and say how fantastic she looks today and what a great job shes done.…

Seeing as though this is my first time being best man, I was a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his manly duties in the bedroom.
So with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd !! .…

When Rob asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at

the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to

dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to

stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined

£200…

So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last

lot were.

I guess its been almost 18 years since our paths firt crossed at romsey school and I must admit it took a bit of time to find out what rob was really like.. At the time some people had described him as ARROGANT, RUDE and SELFISH – and lets be honest a mother should know! With respect to Pauline I suppose I was a bit like a mother to that boy also, because over the years I have seen him drink from a bottle, crawl around naked, helped him walk but he never seemed to have problems passing his own wind!! However I persevered and safe to say the early years I spent with rob were the formative years of our long friendship..

Over the years rob has had many a nickname, Robbie, Floppy, (but I wont go into that one) to name but a few, but the one that's stuck has been chopper, hence being a butcher all his life, however back in his early single days he never had much luck with the ladies as they all thought chopper meant he had the chop!

Now I know its traditional at this stage for the best man to go on about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had,

but quite frankly I don't want to go into all that.

I find such macho male talk un-called for and offensive to the bride…………

suffice to say though Rob, (look at him) 73 turned out to be your lucky number!

I have had the pleasure of sharing many a holiday with rob, I have seen him being sick down his shirt, wash his dirty underpants in the swimming pool and also believe it or not taken a few knock backs from the girls,

However one holiday in particular stands out from all the others, our trip to Ibiza. We were off to this amazing club called Privlege at £40 a head so rob being rob decided to drink half a bottle of vodka before going out, the place was quite busy however one guy stood out from all the others – Rob. He was slouched on the sofas half a sleep, so mates being mates we decided to roll his trousers up to his knees and tie his laces together, however we didn't bank on him having the brightest white socks imaginable on, which attracted the attention of a couple of transvestites who thought rob looked a great catch so tapped him on the shoulder and together with their bum bags offered rob what can only be described as a fruit cocktail!!! Rob had pulled and didn't even know about it!!

(if you could now open the envelopes in front of you, you will see what happened to him that night!)

Rob is a generous man, and demonstrated this to all his friends during the stag party.

I'm not talking about the champagne he bought for us all; I'm talking about our visit to the go-cart track.

Whilst racing he consistently let everybody overtake him with absolutely no thought for himself. Im pleased to say the night passed by without no major incidents, however Hampshire police do want a word with him afterwards!

Now as the years have gone by I am sure you can agree (or try to imagine) that Rob has matured into a much more responsible member of society.

When he told me that he thought he had found the girl he wanted to marry I was pretty gob smacked.

I thought it seemed very out of character. To turn the chauvinistic Smith it must have been something special.

I think you can agree ladies and gentlemen that Faye is that and much more.

She's a fantastic, bubbly person and her getting married today is a great loss to all single men out there.

Ladies, I am sure you will also agree that the loss of Rob in getting married today won't raise much of a ripple!

I would now like to read out some cards:
Dear Faye
Good luck on your wedding day, and hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.
Love Justin Timberlake
Dear Rob,
I hope your not going to forget us now your married, from all the girls at the Hot Spice sauna and Massage Parlour

Seriously though, it is traditional for the best man to slate the groom in this speech,

but in Robs case this has been difficult as he really is a top bloke and been a great mate to me. I know that in Faye he has found a girl in a million and I know they will be truly happy together.

So, finally (glass in hand)

Please stand and toast the new bride and groom.…