Speech by Will Richardson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Will Richardson
Speech Date: 26/08/2010 19:38:08

So James and Jen, you're married now for better or for worse, which is ironic really because James you couldn't have done better and Jen, you really couldn't have done worse!

Hello everyone and welcome to James and Jen's wedding reception.  For those of you who don't know me, my name is Will and I've been given the wonderful duty of being James's best man. (Well at least for today anyway).

Now I'm not a very nervous person and doing this speech isn't really an issue for me, but you never know when the nerves will get the better of you.  So I decided to turn to the Internet for some tips on speaking in public and I have to inform you all, for legal reasons, that I'm now picturing you all naked [pause], well only the women actually otherwise that would be a bit weird.

I would like to start out by thanking you all for turning out on this wonderful day and by saying how fantastic everyone is looking, the bridesmaid's are all looking stunning, eclipsed only by Jen who I have never seen looking more breathtaking.  Also, well done to Louise who managed to get Jen to the venue on time, no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a fight.  Although the prize for trying to get out of the big day goes to James, who conveniently forgot to bring a copy of his speech along and had to rush back to Loughborough to collect it, which is one of the most original excuses I've heard.

Well as I mentioned my name is Will and I am honoured to be James’ best man.  I've known James since we started high school, about 18 years ago.  Back then James was a lanky looking beanpole whose looks earned him the name of Earthworm Jim and although his appearance hasn't changed much over the years I can't say the same for his nicknames which are plentiful, my favourite of which is his self titled roughty toughty soldier. Now for those of you who have actually met James, you'll know that this is false advertising as James is considerably less roughty and toughty than a bag of marshmallows.

I recall our school days very fondly; we shared our Science lessons together and always sat next to each other.  We would normally spend the lesson laughing and joking and doing as little work as possible – something that James has managed to carry into his working life.

Some lunchtimes we'd wander over to his parents house to eat our packed lunches and play computer games, I remember it was always a challenge trying to get out of the place without hitting your head on one of the many Airfix models that hung from his ceiling.

After school myself and Matty, who was part of our circle of friends, would go to the local park and play football.  James was never really into his sports and would much rather spend his time at the army cadets, but I remember many times he'd come and join us after his cadets class finished.

Now those of you who are football fans and enjoy a good game will struggle to remember the last time you saw Wayne Rooney stride out onto the pitch in a pair of steel toe-capped Doc Martins; however that's exactly what James did, fresh from the cadets in his camouflaged jump suit and steel toe-capped Doc Martins.

As soon as his boots touched the grass he'd start running over.  I'd pass the ball to him, expecting a top corner strike, worthy of the 150 yard run up that he's just done.  However as I mentioned James wasn't really into sports and this was made ever more apparent when he'd toe poke the ball so hard that it would almost leave the atmosphere, which is quite an achievement for someone who has less muscle than a piece of string.

I remember going paintballing with James over in Elsham, back in Yorkshire.  It was the first time that I'd get to experience firsthand the skills that he had learnt from the army, and he was dressed for the part – full camouflage gear, so I was expecting a Rambo style performance, however a few games went past and I was less than impressed.  And things went from bad to worse during a tactical operation against the enemy; as we were running James suddenly hit the floor and hung onto his leg – assuming that he'd been shot I ran on and about 5 seconds later a I heard dull explosion, shortly afterwards James stood up, held his gun over his head to indicate that he was out and it was then apparent that a paint grenade that he'd stuffed into his pocket had ignited and blown a hole clean through his camouflage trousers.  Fortunately for James, the ladies dress that he wore whilst paintballing on his stag weekend didn't have pockets for his paint grenades, but I guess he still didn't get away with his dignity intact.

In fact, that wasn't the only time Jim lost his dignity on the stag weekend; during a fantastically sunny day in Cambridge 9 of us descended on go kart track, you could cut the testosterone with a knife, everyone wanted to win and put on a good show.  However during the last lap the merriment of the previous night got the better of James and I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to ruin that lovely meal we've just had but he made quite a mess of the inside of his crash helmet.

I think I speak for everyone involved when I say that the stag do was a lot of fun, and everyone had a story about James that no one else knew. It turns out that James quite regularly makes a tit of himself and we could've easily got through an entire week there going through the stories. However we had to ensure that we kept it to a maximum of 2 days as I've heard a rumour that if James has any more time away from Jen then their telephone conversations can get a bit amorous and exciting and we didn't want James walking through each room in the hotel like a peacock showing his feathers.

Now for as long as I've known James he has always had an obsession with the army and it was no surprise to find that he applied to join as soon as he could.  He's been in the army for 12 years now and it's the army has made James the man that he is today. He's travelled the world and served Queen and country and on one occasion was very lucky to come back in one piece, something for which we are all very grateful for.

Incidentally it was because of the army that James & Jen first met.  Jen was a sergeant major in the army cadets and was instructing some new cadets on the Salisbury plain in Wiltshire.  She required the services of a soldier to supervise, but since all of the real soldiers were out on active duty the best they could do was to send James, which wasn't a bad thing as Kev Leighton told us on the stag do that James is always willing to lend a helping hand, even if it's not wanted.  After a few days of flirting with each other Jen decided to make it clear that she wore the trousers in this relationship and decided to wrap James's car up in cling film and finish off with a nice bow, now I don't know if you are all able to see James’ chair but it looks like that tradition is set to continue.

Now my final duty as best man is to give James some advice, which I hope he will find useful in his married life.

1. If you're having problems remembering your anniversary then the best way to remember it is to forget just once.

2. Also it's very important to get on with your mother-in-law. I have a friend who didn't speak to his mother in law for two years. It wasn't because he didn't like her. He just thought it was rude to interrupt.

3.  Finally, don't forget about the 3 little words that will help to make your married life as trouble free as possible, “You're right dear.”

Well James you're a lucky man. Jen is a lovely girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!

Jennifer & James, May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever;

Now, it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses in a toast to James & Jen, the new Mr & Mrs Stevens.