Speech by William

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: William
Speech Date: 13/06/2010 18:19:43

Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Girls and Boys – and Donald.

Its not for the first time today that I arise from a hot seat holding a piece of paper in my hand. Thankfully this one (waving my notes) is not made by Andrex.

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It is a great honour as Best Man today that I have the opportunity to say a few words on behalf of Mr and Mrs Tait.

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I'd like to thank Jessica's Father, Kailesh and Donald for their speeches.

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I'd also like to thank everyone for attending today. I think you will all agree that Jessica looks one in a million today … as opposed to Donald who looks like he has won the lottery.

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Now, before I get started on the speech, I'm going to call for some audience participation. 
Can everyone help me with that? [wait for response]
Sorry I didn't hear you; a little bit louder please..… [wait for audience response]
Good. First, I'm going to need everyone to shift up to the edge of your seat?
Excellent. Next, on “3”, I need the left side shout a big “Ooooo”
Okay. Now I need the right side, nice and loud please, say “Ahhhh”.
That's great. I promised Donald that I'd have everyone oohing and ahhing on the edge of their seats during this speech. 

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I think that the best piece of advice I've received for this speech is to “treat it like a mini skirt”

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i.e. short enough to keep everyone interested and long enough to cover the bare essentials.

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For those of you that don't know me – My name is Willie Watson. I'm a long time friend of Donald, having first met on the Twynholm Primary School football pitch over 20 years ago. Since then we have had shared many epic adventures and sporting occasions together. We have also helped ensure the continued success of the Scottish whisky industry.

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Ahead of preparing this speech I have contacted numerous people for stories on Donald. I have to say that I have had some great replies but unfortunately most of them are unsuitable for this audience. Of course if anyone would like to buy me a drink afterwards then I may be able to remember some of the better ones. I was also asked not to mention the stories from the stag do. We'll see about that during the rest of the speech.

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Donald is a keen sportsman. Throughout the years that I have known Donald I've come to know that he plays Badminton, Squash and Tennis – all to a reasonably high level. I understand that he once even played tennis against the famous Virginia Wade at Gleneagles. I think it is fair to say that Donald is good at most things that involve hand-eye co-ordination.  [Have a drink]

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Unfortunately the same cannot be said of Donald on the football pitch. Going back a number of years Donald was fortunate to be playing in the Scottish Finals of the sea-cadet football championships.

On this occasion Donald was playing as goalkeeper and apparently scored one of the best own goals ever seen. After receiving a back pass Donald ran forward out of his box to pick the ball up. However in the process the ball was somehow thrown over his shoulder. The ball then bounced off the cross bar. Donald turned round just in time for the ball to bounce of his head and trundle over the goal line and into the goal. The team went on to lose the match 1‑0! Donald was known as Droppsie for a number of years after this.

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As you will know Jessica and Donald recently enjoyed a successful trip to Nepal. Donald enjoys his travelling and whether with work or not with work he is fortunate to be able to visit many parts of the world. Throughout the years we've been on quite a few trips together. We've been to Ibiza, and we've been to the USA a couple of times.

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The first time we visited the USA was to visit Boston to catch up with a school friend Gary. Before we went over to the USA we'd a look at the map and decided that as New York and Niagara Falls were near to Boston we'd schedule visits to them into our holiday too. So after a couple of days in Boston we took the train down the east coast to New York. We got checked into the hotel OK but unfortunately neither of us heard the hotel manager say that there was a midnight curfew and that we'd have to be back by then. As we didn't have much time and wanted to see as much of New York as we could it was after 1 o'clock in the morning when we finally got back to the hotel. It didn't look like we were going to be allowed in. Thankfully Donald soon managed to wake the manager up. He made up some plausible story and we got to our room, had a few hours sleep and caught another train up to Niagara Falls.

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Can I have a show of hands for anyone that has seen the Niagara Falls?

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They are very impressive. For everyone else's benefit -There is a large boat- Maid of the Mist – that allows you to view the Falls at close hand. So – we decided we would do that. Then we decided that as we were so close to Canada that we would walk over the bridge and do that too.

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Unfortunately Donald somehow lost his tourist Visa on the bridge. We both managed to visit Canada. I managed to get back into the USA past the US customs but it appeared that Donald was going to be stuck on the bridge for some time. Thankfully the US customs backed down, after half an hour, having had their laugh, and Donald was allowed back over.

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As Donald also mentioned he first met Jessica in August last year. I have to say that since this time it has been clear to me that Donald has met a young lady that he is extremely keen on and fond of. Each time I spoke to Donald – Jessica was mentioned more and more. At Christmas Donald and I have a tradition of going to the local pub – the Masonic Arms – in our home town – Kirkcudbright in Scotland. The past time while we shared a few beers it was clear to me that Jessica had won the heart of Donald. Since then I've noticed that Donald has a large smile on his face on an almost constant basis.

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There is also a tradition that I have of celebrating the birth of Robert Burns. So every year around about the 25^th of January a few of my friends gather at my house in St Albans for a Burns supper. The celebration involves eating haggis, drinking some whisky and generally having a good time.

It was therefore no surprise when this year Donald asked if it would be okay to bring along Jessica. This was the first time that I met Jessica and it was then that I could see how happy that they both are together.

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Unfortunately on this occasion Donald over did the celebrating and ended up passed out in the downstairs bathroom having consumed far too much of my finest malt whisky. After half an hour he finally managed to unlock the door. He was then carried up the stairs and put to bed while the celebrations continued. I was most impressed with Jessica who after ensuring that Donald would be ok continued on with the party.

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Finally I would like to offer some pieces of advice that I came across – that may help Donald and Jessica through the years ahead; 

Firstly, always remember to always tell Jessica those 3 very important little words. ‘You're right dear’.

Secondly, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it just once.

And finally particularly appropriate with the current credit crunch:

“Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest”

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Anyway all joking aside I think I have spoken for long enough and will now round things off so that you can enjoy the rest of the evening.

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On a more sincere note I think that we are all agreed that Donald and Jessica make a lovely couple and I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I wish you both all the best for the future.

Ladies and Gentleman, Girls and Boys I ask you all to stand up, and raise a glass, as I propose a toast to the happy couple?

* Pause – wait for folk to stand up

The bride and groom – Donald & Jessica Tait.