Speech by Zia

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Zia
Speech Date: sep 2002
Best Men Speech by Zia and Steve.

Zia I'd just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. You know there is an old saying that being a best man is a little bit like being asked to sleep with the queen: It’ a great honour, but you don't really want to do it.

Steve I travelled from America just to be here today. [pause] sorry I was kinda hoping I'd get a round of applause then. So anyway, I don't have much to say, I haven't had chance to prepare much. [take out big piece of paper]

Zia I went to the library to research my job today and found this wonderful pamphlet entitled “So you're going to be a best man.” In it is a checklist for the day, and I must be honest, I think we've done rather well thus far.

1. Get the groom to the church on time. Check.
2. Ensure the groom is wearing clothes. Check.
3. Make sure the groom's hair and face are in order. Well two out of three isn't bad. If God couldn't do it, what chance did we have?
4. Make a speech to the bride and groom.
Steve I'd just like to say that today Al, you are a very lucky man. You've married Emma who is beautiful, smart, funny, loving, and who deserves a good, strong husband. So thank god you married her before she found one.

Zia They say first impressions last. If that was the case though, I don't think Steve and I would be standing here today. We met Al in a café in Sydney, Australia. Al introduced himself in his usual friendly way and Steve made fun of him for looking like Matthew Corbett from sooty and sweep.

STEVE MAKES FUN OF AL REGARDING SOOTY AND SWEEP

Al is one of the few people I know who gets on with anyone. No matter what company he's in he is funny, easy going and charming. For example: One weekend Al took Emma out for a weekend in an expensive hotel. On the last morning there he got up early and ordered room service for them both. For himself he ordered a full english breakfast with al the trimmings, for Emma he ordered a lettuce leaf and a carrot. Room service arrived minutes later, looking rather puzzled, and asked whether his guest might want something more substantial than a lettuce leaf and a carrot. Al gleefully replied “It's OK, I'm conducting an experiment. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.”

Steve Al has always been a tremendous friend to me, so I wrote him and Emma a poem. It's called Alan and Emma. But it doesn't all rhyme.

At a tender young age Emma fell in love with her pal,

Zia But he left the country so she went out with Al.

Steve That was the rhyming bit.

They have been together for nearly fifteen years now.

Zia Al has started to go bald.

Steve They both love to surf and have a lovely house.

Zia Al has started to go bald.

Steve The end

KEY GAG
Now Emma is eternally off the market could any of her lovers who have a back door key please return it.

Various people give their keys in – Zia, Kat, Lee and a teenager

Zia There were a few people who couldn't make it today but sent messages anyway:

Mmm we have one from Sadam Hussein – Enjoy your life together, may Allah bless your children. PS Al could you deliver the pine wardrobe by next week, gonna be quite busy for a while soon.

Steve: Kylie: Her Fan Club

We also have another surprise video message. I hope everyone can see hear and see the screen.
Steve can you please press play.[Kate in oz video]

Steve On first impressions Al and Emma seem to be very different people, but on closer inspection you realise that they are very similar. For example:

Zia Emma Studies criminals
Steve Alan used to be one.
Zia Emma works for the police
Steve Alan has their greatest hits CD.
Zia Alan delivers pine furniture
Steve Emma own pine furniture
Zia Alan loves Watford Football Club
Steve Emma once drove past Watford football club
Zia Emma loves gay men
Steve Alan loves Watford football club.
Zia Alan loves Emma
Steve Emma loves Alan

Steve Because beyond all the externals – the cars, the jobs, the money and the hobbies – the most important thing remains: they make each other happy. And to that end I hope they continue to do so, as husband and wife, forever.

Zia Can we all please raise our glasses and give a toast to Mr. and Mrs. Lewis. Cheers.