“I’ve written something short but beautifully formed – just like me!” – Bride Speech by Susan

Speech Type: Bride
Time to Read Aloud: 20 minutes
Our Favourite Line: “We did want to give a special mention to our two ushers who did a well-managed job of at least getting everyone in the right room – tearing them from the bar is always the hardest part.”

Welcome

I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to have the last word but those of you who know me well enough will agree that it’s usually hard to keep me quiet. Well, today is no exception, so here we go. I do not intend to drone on so I have written something short but beautifully formed – just like me!

Firstly, and I know this has already been said, but I am absolutely delighted that so many people could come and join us on this special day. My husband and I would like to thank you all for making so much effort. As I look around at a sea of friends who have been through thick and thin with me time after time after time and then some more, I have to say you lot really have scrubbed up very well. From the abundance of titfers on display obviously the hat shop has had an absolute field day this week!

But it’s been a big event all around for today. I’ve joined a new family who I can honestly say only ever want the best for their son. But, Gary, I don’t know how to tell you this, if I’m the best I would have a serious rethink about just how fond of you your family really are!

The Proposal

How did we end up here today? Well, having had quite a good lead time into this event, Gary did propose to me for the last time on Valentine’s Day last year. Yes, I say last time as there were other times before only he’d usually had a gallon or two of Guinness beforehand and totally forgotten the next day! You know when you wake up and you know you said or did something but you can’t quite remember what? Yes, we’ve all been there… haven’t we.

Saying Yes

However, I’m digressing, because this time he did remember and I remembered to eventually say yes. After nearly four years of driving up and down that motorway, I think we have stood the test of time and well, let’s face it, we aren’t getting any younger! But, if nothing else, I think we have proved that long-distance relationships can and do work and I am looking forward to continuing that journey as Mrs Gary.

The Wedding on a Sandy Beach

Going back a little to the moment of that proposal, you know the last one I was telling you about, I had visions of the two of us on a long, white, sandy beach, the waves gently lapping, the blue skies, the tropical palms trees gently swaying in the breeze. You know, the whole romantic thing, sun, sea, sex. Oh, just realised, we’d be married so it would be sun, sea and sangria, I guess!

Gary, bless him, had other ideas. Right he said, well if we’re doing it, we’re doing it properly. I want everyone there – I want my family and relatives and all of our friends to come and celebrate and have a good time. Eat, drink, party, be merry and all that jazz.

Well, I had to agree it sounded tempting the way he put it and, as you know, I am quite taken to partying and all that and, yes, I could go along with the idea of a huge party. While Susie’s garden would have burst at the seams with you lot I have to say, the thought that somebody else was not only going to shop, cook, wash and tidy up as well, well was just too tempting…

So what a great idea, a big happy party wedding for everyone – superb. Brilliant, he says, “So you can organise it then can’t you!” Nice one Gary, I didn’t see that one coming, did I! I think that was the moment I realised that Gary had a devious streak and I had fallen for it.

The Arrangements

Now, I’m not backward in coming forward when a little bit of arranging needs doing. But, to be honest, when I began to think about it all, it was a bit overwhelming. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I wasn’t spending somebody else’s money (and I am very good at surrogate spending I promise you), and we didn’t have a bottomless pot to delve into (and, to be honest, if we did have a bottomless pot to delve into, you can bet we’d have tried to sell it on eBay anyway!)

Well, my darling, I was happy to sit night after night making our invitations, (apparently, the doctor says that sniffing Pritt Stick isn’t addictive, but I’m not too sure). I was happy to scour the countryside for scented sand for the centrepieces (nice isn’t it? Vanilla, I believe). I was happy to sit and put together 60 odd favour boxes complete with blue ribbon and a gold heart on every single one. But, when I was lying awake night after night worrying about how long the piece of ribbon had to be to get the balloons the right level, I knew wedding fever had finally caught up with me!

Wedding Fever

I’m lying there thinking, well, one-piece will have to be this long and then the next one will have to be this and it depends how big they blow the balloons up. I mean how many men would it take to blow up and string thirty balloons and how long would I be listening to their Donald Duck impressions after ingesting more helium than they could safely handle? And would there be any helium left before they finally got round to blowing the darned things up anyway?

I would have been saddled with a gaggle of giggling groomsmen and a roomful of limp latex balloons (try saying that after a couple of glasses of bubbly). That’s when a little voice said “Delegate, you Moron!” And delegate I did… and thankfully the end result was very nice. All the ribbons were the right length despite my sleepless nights!

eBay

I don’t think there is a single person in the room who doesn’t know how we managed to foot the largest proportion of costs for today’s extravaganza. We did it all on eBay. Which if nothing else has given us a lot of fun and a mission to get out of bed every Sunday morning to trail around various car boots!

Sourcing enough packaging to post all the sold items was a challenge. I was known as the bubble wrap queen at work (it’s not a fetish thing I assure you). Each day at work there were little gifts of empty containers, tissue paper, and various sized boxes left for me. When the most excitement I have in a day is receiving a bundle of bubble wrap I know I have to start getting out more.

But, along the way, we have managed to sell just about anything you can think of. From a set of lobster picks kindly donated (yes, we had to look it up as well), videos, ski boots, handbags and Gladrags, diving belt, telescope tripod, wet suits even down to a wedding dress which I bought from a charity shop for £1!

One day someone will realise that I swell up and down from a size 8 to a 26, that my feet squeeze themselves into shoe sizes between three and eight and – according to the number of pairs of bridal shoes I have sold – I have been married nine times!

But I am digressing, eBay has been tremendous fun and whilst we will be away until the end of June – please keep the bubble wrap coming as we plan to eBay our way to Australia next year!

Thank Yous

Finally, we come to today and this is our opportunity to say a really heartfelt thank you to everyone who has helped make it such a lovely event. Thank you for joining us here and for being so supportive in all aspects of the arrangements.

We’d also like to thank those who couldn’t be with us in body and spirit like my friend Wendy, who would be missing these speeches anyway as she would be outside having a quick fag, and my Uncle Dennis who isn’t forgotten and is loved and missed very much, and all the others like my Aunty Kathy and Gary, Harvey and Michelle’s dad, Geoff, who would have been so proud of his family today. All the people who would have enjoyed this day to its utmost because, if nothing else, all these people knew how to enjoy themselves!

We’d also like to thank the people who we don’t know very well for coming and we’d like to take the opportunity today and this evening for us all to get to know you better.

I would especially like to thank Muriel and Frank who’s wedding gift was the lovely wedding cake. Also, Muriel was such a dab hand at making all the beautiful bows in the Orangerie and adorning the lamp posts on the driveway and helping Anne who did such a lovely job of all the floral decorations. Also, Muriel’s kindness in the cash injection which she gave to Gary and me. I guess the balloons are all down to you then Muriel – cheers! So Muriel, to say thank you we have a little thank you gift instead. This is for you with all our love and thanks!

A special thank you to our beautiful belles in blue who have been terrific bridesmaids and who have made their dad and me very proud. They did a sterling job of lacing me into this thing and, believe you me, it brings a whole new meaning to the term ‘bondage’. If nothing else, they will have been making notes on all the pitfalls to avoid when it comes to Natalie and Darren’s big day in August next year. We have a small gift for you both which we hope you will enjoy spending. Again this comes with much love and our special thanks.

This is not an endless list of thank yous but we did want to give a special mention to our two ushers who did a well-managed job of at least getting everyone in the right room – tearing them from the bar is always the hardest part. This is why we provide an order of service so it gives you something to focus on as to how long it will take before you can get back in there! Harvey, we have a little gift for you and for Scott to thank you both for doing such a grand job.

On a personal note, I want to thank Scott for being my best boy today. For putting my happiness first and for making me the proudest Mum alive today. Scott knows how much he means to me so I won’t embarrass him by mentioning it. But if I did, he would have forgotten it in 10 minutes anyway!

Not known for his prolific little grey memory cells, he did, however, remember to turn up today. Don’t know how to tell you this son but you just lost your Mum a fiver. I had a bet on with everyone that you would forget. You have made my day Scott – if only by remembering to be here.

And what more can I say about our bestest best man that he hasn’t already said himself? Kevin, you have been an absolute brick, if only for keeping Gary sober, getting him to the ceremony on time, and helping him to scrub up so well. We have a small token of our appreciation for you as well.

We also have with us today my parents, Ruby and Albert, who, because of continuing ill-health on Albert’s part, weren’t sure if they were able to join us. As you see, they were able to be here with us. Ruby, we have a small gift for you.

There is just one more small gift left which we would like to give to our little songbird who entertained us all so beautifully during the ceremony. Jade, I hope you enjoy spending this and thank you for joining in with the spirit of things. Plus, I understand you will be singing solo for us again this evening.

Which, if I might just mention, there is an evening event planned which commences at 7.30 pm. We have some live entertainment as well so be sure you don’t miss it.

We would like to thank Hollins Hall for creating this wonderful meal and their lovely staff for their service and kindness and for making this a day to remember. They have had their hands full with a wedding yesterday and ours today and they have done us proud. God invented Sunday as a day of rest, I am sure they will be making the most of it.

I guess that only leaves you, Gary. In the end, I know I’ll never find anyone who is so generous, warm, loving, and yet so challenging! Whatever you do today, don’t mention Tony Blair – because I know you lot – you will wind him up to the hilt with politics and then bugger off and leave me with him! Now, most men carry a petrol can or a set of jump leads or a wheel jack in the boot of their car – not Gary! Nope, Gary carries a soapbox! So for one day only – please – no Tony Blair!

Marrying a Rich Man

A wise old woman once told me way back in the mists of time to marry a rich man. Well, I couldn’t have married a richer man than Gary. He is rich in inner strength, understanding and kindness, in forgiveness and patience. Not only is he a good cook, but he likes shopping! Even with me and anyone who has ever been with me will know exactly what I am talking about.

So I wanted to get you a small gift to remember today by. You didn’t want any jewellery and I couldn’t think of anything else, but I have got you a little something which, while it might be totally meaningless to everyone else in the room – I hope will mean a lot to you.

But very, very finally, I want to say I love you Gary and this has been the first day of something which is going to be really good. As you say up there in Yorkshire, we are going to have a right nice life!

So please raise your glasses and give a toast to a “Right Nice Life!”