Speech by Bob White

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Bob White
Speech Date: sep 2004
Well, good afternoon everyone, for those of you that don't know me my name is Bob and I'm Sophie's dad, and in keeping with tradition, it is my honour and privilege to deliver the ‘Father of the Bride Speech’. Having to make this speech is one of the few opportunities in a married mans life when he is allowed to do all of the talking…and I intend to make the most of it. Now, giving a speech can be a little stressful so I will put into practice what I preach, that is…always remember the ABC to the XYZ of public speaking. ABC..Always Be Confident, …XYZ..Xamine Your Zip. (check zip). Now that's all OK I'll move on to my speech proper what I just wrote!
It won't be a long speech on account of my throat….no, it's not sore, it's just that Janet threatened to cut it if I go on too long!

So I'll start…Distinguished guests, those of dubious distinction and those of absolutely no distinction whatsoever, family, relatives, friends, relatives of friends, friends of friends, hotel staff, freeloaders and hangers-on, on behalf of Janet and myself, I extend a warm welcome to Sophie and Martin's wedding celebration reception. You know, delivering the ‘Father of the Bride’ speech feels a bit like a sheikh walking into his harem for the first time…you know what to do, but you don't know where to start.

I will start however by taking this opportunity to thank especially Janet for not only being chief worrier and organiser of this event, but also being a tolerant wife and more importantly an outstanding mother and the guiding influence in the upbringing of Sophie, culminating in today's celebrations. Let me raise my glass to you Janet in a private toast, (drinks) (aside).… Anything for a drink!
The last wedding speech I made was at our wedding 39 years ago. 39 years…Considering the penalty for murder that's more than two life sentences.
My speech on that day started badly, sagged in the middle with long silences and finished in incomprehensible ramblings. I hope this one is a little better.
In those day things were very different. We were not so forward and were very innocent…On our wedding day we sat up all night waiting for our sexual relations to arrive! How times have changed…when I first met Janet, Las Vegas hadn't even been discovered.
I remember meeting Janet for the first time. I knew then and there that she was Miss Right…It was some time later I discovered that her first name was ‘always’.…

At our wedding reception two of the guests were the vicar and an elderly old uncle who were chatting in a corner. I offered them a drink and the vicar asked for a large whisky. The old uncle said ‘No thanks; I'd rather go with a scarlet woman than touch the demon drink. The vicar promptly gave me back his drink and said ‘I didn't know there was a choice’. Now I don't want to offend anybody so if there is a vicar present I apologise…and if there is a scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar in ten minutes.

Seriously though it is traditional for the Brides father to offer some worldly thoughts and advice about marriage, and during the last 139 years I've learned a few things about it, so firstly for Martin…

Martin, we are delighted to welcome you into the family. By now you must be wondering what on earth you let yourself in for. I want you to know that Janet and I took to you instantly. You are a kind, considerate, man who deserves a good wife. Thank goodness you married Sophie before you found one! Only kidding!
In many ways Martin has already become like a son to me…insolent, ungrateful and disrespectful!
Martin, always help your wife with jobs around the home. Apparently there has never been a recorded case where a wife has shot her husband while he was doing the washing up.

When Martin asked me for Sophie's hand in marriage. I agreed, on one condition, that he took the hand that was always in my wallet.
Martin, always remember the words of Oscar Wilde ‘women are meant to be loved…not understood’
Now that you are married Sophie will always have the last word in any argument, any word that you may utter after that is, by default, the start of another argument!
Remember, when you buy her flowers…it proves your guilt. But of course, beware of the more serious consequences of not buying her flowers.
Always put the loo seat down after you. And always remember those two invaluable words ‘Yes Dear’
Seriously though Martin if you want Sophie to listen and pay attention to your every word – talk in your sleep!

I asked Martin recently what he was looking for in marriage. He said love, happiness and eventually, perhaps, if all goes well…a pool table! I asked Sophie the same question and she said she would like a coffee percolator. She actually said a perky copulator, but I knew what she meant.

Now some words of wisdom for my lovely Sophie.
From the moment Sophie was born…head first into a bedpan, she has brightened our lives. She never did switch off the lights!
Jan and I are very proud of all our girls but especially proud today to see Sophie looking so beautiful on this celebration day. It doesn't seem five minutes since she was in our desert garden in Dubai, running round with no knickers on eating sand. Her diet has improved over the years and she now has better clothes sense and dresses to kill… a bit like the way she cooks. I don't know how Martin will cope with Sophie in the kitchen…she is the only person I know who uses the smoke alarm as a timer. The other day she cooked dinner and burnt the tin opener! Only kidding, she is a lovely cook really and no doubt Martin will soon be buying larger trousers.

Sophie, never go to bed in the middle of an argument…stay up and fight! But be diplomatic and magnanimous when you let Martin have your way.
If you want something, ask for it. Hints do not work on men.
Sophie you will find in your marriage that you will make all the minor decisions whilst Martin will makes all the major decisions. And Martin, you will find that all future decisions will be of a minor nature.

Sophie, there are really only two bequests we as parents can ever hope to give our children. One is roots and the other is wings. You have deep roots to our family that will never be broken and now…you have found your wings and flown the nest. I am satisfied that we did a good job.

Some generalisations for both Sophie and Martin:
Martin & Sophie, M&S, there has got to be a joke there somewhere…
There are many things that go into making a marriage happy: love & fidelity of course, innate trust, the security of having someone who will always listen. Most of us know the secrets of tenacity, stamina, forgiveness, or failing that a defective memory. It also helps if the husband always takes the blame, as is only right…

I have to say that Sophie and Martin are extremely well suited, aren't they? They're happy and love each other. That should be enough to see them through life together. It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Whoever said that knew nothing about women…and even less about fractions.

I started writing this speech about a month ago and I expect some of you feel I have been delivering it for just as long. Anyway, I've got a date in the bar and I can see Janet is eyeing up a knife in front of her so I think it is time for me to sit down.

But before I go some genuine advice. Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and blossom when we love the one we marry. It is very obvious that they have found in one another a perfect match; their happiness shines like a beacon.

Sophie and Martin, there is no challenge in a marriage that cannot be overcome by the following three, three word sentences: I was wrong. You were right. I love you.

So, approaching the toast, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and make sure your glasses are fully charged…mine is being charged to Barclaycard…

Sophie and Martin…
Here's to the past for all that it taught you
Here's to the present for all that you share
And here's to the future for all that you can look forward together

Ladies & gentlemen please raise your glasses.
The toast is…Sophie & Martin, Bride and Groom