Speech by Brian Laffin

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Brian Laffin
Speech Date: Feb 2001
I had some difficulty in writing this speech.

I was going to begin with ladies and gentlemen
but on looking around I'm glad I didn't.

What I wrote was written very slowly so I will have to read it slowly.

Here goes.

DISTINGUISHED GUESTS, THOSE OF LESSER DISTINCTION AND THOSE OF NO DISTINCTION,
FAMILY, RELATIVES, NEW AND OLD, INLAWS AND OUTLAWS,
FRIENDS, FRIENDS OF FRIENDS, FREELOADERS AND HANGERS-ON.
WELCOME TO SHARON AND TIM'S WEDDING BREAKFAST.

HEATHER AND I THANK YOU
FOR YOUR PRESENCE,
FOR YOUR ACTING AS WITNESSES,
AND FOR ASSISTING IN CELEBRATING THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.

WE ARE SO PROUD OF OUR DAUGHTER.
SHE HAS ALWAYS BRIGHTENED OUR LIVES.
SHE NEVER TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS.

HOW CAN I SAMPLE KEY EVENTS IN HER LIFE
IT SEEMS ONLY YESTERDAY THAT SHE WAS BORN,
THEN I BLINKED AND HERE WE ARE TODAY.

SHARON AND TIM HAVE DOG LICENCES AND NOW A MARRIAGE
CERTIFICATE BUT THE DOG LICENCES HAVE VALUE.
A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE MEANS NOTHING IN ITSELF.
IT IS NOT A QUALIFICATION AND COMES WITH NO GUARANTEES .

HEATHER AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER THIRTY YEARS.
IF YOU CONSIDER THE PENALTY FOR MURDER
THAT'S MORE THAN TWO LIFE SENTENCES.

WE HAVE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS
BUT WE'VE MADE IT THROUGH TO TODAY
WITH A HOST OF MEMORIES AND EXPERIENCES, SOME GOOD

I HOPE THAT IN THE FUTURE SHARON AND TIM WILL BE ABLE TO SAY THE SAME

I HAVE OBSERVED THAT TIM HAS MANY FINE QUALITIES.
HE IS HONEST, FORTHRIGHT, USUALLY SOBER AND ABOVE ALL COURAGEOUS.

TIM, I'M SORRY TO SAY THAT THESE ARE NOT THE QUALITIES OF A HAPPY MARRIED MAN.
THE PROOF OF THIS IS SIMPLE
OF THOSE VERY FEW HERE WHO QUALIFY, I DOUBT THAT THERE IS EVEN
ONE WHO IS TRUTHFUL ENOUGH, SOBER ENOUGH OR BRAVE ENOUGH
TO STAND UP AND AGREE WITH ME.
TIM HAS ALSO DISPLAYED OTHER FINE QUALITIES INCLUDING
LOYALTY, SELF RESTRAINT AND TOLERANCE
THESE WILL NEED TO BE DEVELOPED TO A MUCH HIGHER DEGREE
THAN WHAT HE WOULD NEED IF HE STAYED SINGLE.

SOME ADVICE
TIM – MAN IS INCOMPLETE UNTIL HE IS MARRIED,
THEN HE IS REALLY FINISHED.

SHARON – A PERFECT WIFE IS ONE WHO HELPS HER HUSBAND
WITH THE DISHES.

BUT THEY DO SEEM WELL SUITED
WELL, AT LEAST, THEY ARE CONSIDERATE OF EACH OTHER

THEY ARE WATCHING THE NEWS
A BLOKE IS STANDING ON A BRIDGE. A CROWD AROUND HIM.
SHARON SAYS TO TIM " I BET YOU TEN DOLLARS HE JUMPS"
TIM SAYS ‘ I BET YOU TWENTY HE DOESN'T"
THE BLOKE JUMPS AND TIM BEGINS TO HAND OVER TWENTY DOLLARS
SHARON SAYS "KEEP THE MONEY. I SAW THIS ON THE EARLY NEWS."
TIM SAYS " SO DID I. IT'S A FAIR BET.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO IT AGAIN."

SHARON AND TIM BECAUSE YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD DAYS TOGETHER AND SOME NOT SO GOOD.
BUT IN TWELVE MONTHS TIME YOU CAN LOOK BACK AND RECALL
THIS CELEBRATION AND YOUR COMMITMENT TODAY

I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME MY NEW SON-IN-LAW TIM INTO OUR FAMILY
SHARON DESERVES A GOOD HUSBAND
AND WE CERTAINLY APPROVE OF HER CHOICE.

NOW, ON BEHALF OF TIM'S PARENTS NELLIE AND JOHN
AND MY WIFE HEATHER, I REQUEST THAT
ALL HERE PRESENT TAKE UP YOUR GLASSES AND JOIN ME
IN WISHING THE NEW MR AND MRS SANDS
ALL THE BEST FOR THE FUTURE.

TO TIM AND SHARON