Speech by Bruce Coleman

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Bruce Coleman
Speech Date: oct 2004

Thank you for the kind introduction, Chris. Being asked to be Best Man is one thing but being asked to be MC really is a tough job- rather like being asked to sleep with the Janette Howard (John's wife) – it's a great honour, but no-one really wants to do it!.
I was told not to make an impromptu speech so I searched the internet for ideas. After much research, I found some good advice on “hitched.co.uk” and made some memory notes….And here they are! [Produce floppy disk with a flourish] I'm under orders to keep this as short as possible, so I'll do my best.
As father of the bride, it is my privilege to make the first speech and I would like to start by saying what a real pleasure it is to welcome, on this very happy occasion, Annie and Graham, Darren's parents, together with relatives and friends of both their families and our extended families. Some of whom have made long journeys to be with us from England, Darwin, Wagga Wagga, Melbourne and across South Australia.
At this point I would like to mention some important people who are not here today.
Firstly Erin's step-father Chris who is unable to join us from England.
Secondly Erin's Grandfathers and Darren's grandparents who all passed away some years ago. They are all here in spirit and I'm sure they are looking down today proud of the way the happy couple have turned out on this their, happy day.
At this point Ladies and Gentlemen I would like you to stand while I propose the first toast of the day.… The toast is ‘Absent friends’.
We are very proud today to see Erin, looking so beautiful, and now married to Darren. During the time we have known him, we have come to realise how special Darren is to Erin, and anyone can see that they are made for each other. What we find gratifying is that Darren's parents feel the same about Erin. They have taken her into their hearts, and dote on her as if she was their own daughter.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Michelle for being a wonderful mother and the guiding influence in the upbringing of Erin. Michelle and I would also like to thank Cindy, my current wife, who for the past 14 years has been a special additional parent, friend and guide for Erin as she matured into the wonderful woman that she has become.
I would also like to thank the best man. I think Chris did a great job keeping Darren from escaping before the ceremony and for the way he cared for Darren on his bucks night, rubbing his back when he was trying to throw up in the bushes, putting him safely to bed and getting him go to sleep by re-assuring him that no-one would get to him. Then sending messages to Erin that he was alright. More like the attributes of a nurse than a policeman.
It is traditional at this point to bring up a mildly embarrassing moment from Erin's past or to highlight a strange character trait so that you can have a little giggle at her expense; but on the basis that she has got so much more on me than I have on her, in the interest of self preservation, I'm just going to skip that and leave it to others if they dare.

I would not dare mention the chicken dance or about how she rings home when the cat is on its own and talks across the answering machine so that the cat can here her voice
About 21 months ago I heard that Erin and Darren were coming to see us and that wedding plans were on the agenda. I thought about the options open to them, eloping somewhere, registry office, foreign shores, and executive suite at Hilton. Erin however quickly developed new found project management and logistic skills, portfolio folders were built from visits around Adelaide, the hills and suburbs and Botanic Gardens & Ayres House it was. Of course the groom does not have to be a project manager; he is more like an H&S officer, providing support and compliance with no operational expertise. To be serious for a moment it was well worth the effort because this has been a wonderful wedding day and its not over yet be a long way.
I asked Erin what she was looking for in a marriage and she said “Love, happiness and a soul mate to share her life with". I am taking a punt from what Darren has been saying over the last few months when we have been driving to work that he wants a " sub-woofer and a Plasma Screen” , so he's 50% there already having got the sub-woofer from Michelle.
Erin and Darren…today, you may consider your wedding day to be the best day of your life. ONLY TODAY THOUGH. It is only the best day of your life TO DATE. You see a Marriage Certificate on its own is not a qualification. It doesn't mean that you have achieved anything; it has no value of its own. It comes with no guarantees of quality; it makes no mention of the length of the marriage that it refers to.
It now gives me great pleasure to propose a toast to the happy couple.
Here's to the past, for all that you have learned
here's to the present, for all that you share
here's to the future, for all that you look forward to together
Here's to love, laughter and happily ever after.
As Erin and Darren start their new life,
Let's toast the new husband and wife!
To two very special people, Erin and Darren.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the bride and groom Erin and Darren.

Wrote these out by hand at the wedding and gave them to the best man as emails to read out as did not use them in the Speech:
I believe marriage will teach Darren loyalty, self-restraint, control, it will develop in him a sense of fair play —— and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single.
Now I'm supposed to offer some advice at this point – even if it's years too late.–“Darren”, most things, as you learnt years ago, will revolve around three little words that “Erin”, along with nearly every other woman in the world, was born speaking, “All, Just and Only”.
“ALL you need to do”, — “Its ONLY $500”, — “It'll JUST take 5 minutes”.
Every “Man Jack” here in this room will know the only possible and permitted reply to ANY of those three little words, and the only way to keep the peace, is to use those two immortal words that only a husband can know the true meaning of -“Yes Dear”.

IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT MARRIAGE IS A 50/50 PARTNERSHIP. THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY SAID BY
SOMEONE WHO KNEW NOTHING ABOUT WOMEN AND EVEN LESS ABOUT MATHEMATICS.