Speech by Chris Haywood
Dear Hitched As predicted, I have finished up as father of the bride again, in less than a year! The pressure of creating a second speech, completely different from the first (half the audience was the same) was humungous. Your site came to the rescue once again, although the best man was mortified that I ruined half of his speech (which was excellent anyway). Because of a family bereavement, the speech had to be created very quickly, so no time for conferring with him. Good idea for others though! Well, here's the second rendition, if you want it. The twist on the 'coffee percolato
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Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Chris Haywood
Speech Date: May 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen
Can I start my speech by welcoming the guests. Today, we are surrounded by most of the friends and family that have been important to us during our lives. Some have travelled thousands of miles, just to be here today. On behalf of Owen, Patrick and Bonney, Hazel and I – We welcome you all and thank you sincerely for sharing this special day with us.
As about half of you will know, this is my second father-of-the -bride speech in less than a year. To misquote Oscar Wilde from “The Importance of Being Ernest” – to lose one daughter may be considered unlucky. To lose two is careless! Well, I guess that's OK – because my being careless is how they came to be here in the first place.
Making the father of the bride speech, I feel a bit like a Sheik walking into his harem for the first time. I know what I've got to do, I just don't know where to start.
You will all be pleased to learn that my speech will be every bit as good as last time. In fact, my side of the family will probably remember great chunks of it! Not really, although I am following exactly the same format. This means it will probably start off badly, sag in the middle with long silences, and then trail off into a lot of incoherent rambling.
To be honest, I did try to memorise this speech – but forgive me if I resort to my notes every 5 seconds. I asked for an autocue to be set up in front of me. Apparently, the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far… and neither does my eyesight.
Patrick, we are delighted to welcome you into the family. By now, you must be wondering what on earth you have let yourself in for. I want you to know that Hazel and I took to you instantly. You are a kind and considerate man who deserves a good wife. Thank goodness you married Bonney before you found one!
I am only kidding, of course. There is nothing in the world to match the thrill of seeing your first child born. Bonney was a beautiful baby. She still is beautiful – in every sense of the word – and she has continued to fill our lives with happiness and pride.
Everyone knows that Bon is a rolling stone – and couldn't wait to leave home and find new adventures at University. Since then she has made many firm friends, some of whom are decidedly odd – but I'll say no more about that because most of the odd ones seem to be here today.
Now where was I? Patrick…
I expect you may have noticed Pat's getting on a bit – a few grey hairs already – so it's obviously taken him some time to find his Miss Right. In fact, his best man tells me he once sent his picture off to a Lonely Hearts Club. Apparently they sent it back, with a note saying they weren't that lonely!
Patrick is a rugby player – or so I am told. I took time to ask some of his mates how good he was, where was his best position. To cut a long story short, he seems to be terrible in every position! I'm sure there's a joke there somewhere… but never mind.
I have to say that Bonney and Patrick are extremely well suited, aren't they? They're happy and they love each other. That should be enough to see them through life together. It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Whoever said that knows nothing about women and even less about fractions.
I asked Pat recently what he was looking for in marriage. He said love, happiness and eventually a family.
I asked Bon the same question. She replied “A coffee percolator.” She actually said a “perky copulator” but I knew what she meant…
As you all know, fathers of the bride get to make the first speech. To be honest with you, it's a bit like being invited to sleep with the Queen Mother. It's a great honour – but you really don't want to do it!
And what about the bridesmaids? Didn't they look lovely, in the church? Having seen all the Ushers, I thought for a minute I'd accidentally wandered onto the set of “Seven brides for seven brothers”.
I started planning this speech a month ago. And you must feel like I've been delivering it equally as long.
And I haven't quite finished yet. Because my next toast is to the bride and groom. Which reminds me of the wedding I once went to where the two of the guests were a minister and a priest. When the priest was offered a drink for the toast he said “I'll have a large whisky please”. When the minister was offered the same, he said “No thanks. I'd rather go with a scarlet woman than touch the demon alcohol”.
The priest promptly put his whisky back on the tray and said “I didn't know there was a choice!”
Now I don't want to offend anybody, so if there's a priest or a minister present, I apologise. And if there's a scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
Thank you for your indulgence. Without further delay I'll ask you to join me in a toast to my beautiful daughter, the bride, and her handsome husband, the groom.
The bride and groom!
