Speech by Chris Heywood

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Chris Heywood
Speech Date: Jun 2000
Ladies and Gentlemen

I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes, because of my throat. If I go on too long, Hazel has threatened to cut it!

As father of the bride, it is my privilege to make the first speech. Somebody should tell my knees that it's a privilege!

I want to start by apologising for Gary & Sam being late. It's taken them more than 9 years to get here today! Their ‘lightning’ romance puts me in mind of the story about the couple who were engaged for 30 years. Eventually the wife-to-be laid on a nice candle-lit dinner for her intended – with champagne, the works – and whispered romantically "Isn't it time we thought about getting married?" "Good heavens," he replied, "who would have us now?

Gary's not like that, of course.

In fact, I can tell you a true story about the first time I ever laid eyes on him – perhaps a year before he and Sammy started going out. He turned up with a couple of mates at the cricket club dinner, as drunk as a newt already, and making a lot of noise. The good news was that he soon calmed down. The bad news was that he emptied the contents of his stomach onto the dining table first.

I remember thinking "I hope to goodness my daughters don't end marrying somebody like that!"

To be honest, we were hoping she'd marry somebody with a bit of class, so obviously Ringmer cricketers were completely out of the question. Was it Groucho Marx who once said he wouldn't want to join any club that would have him as a member?

Many of you will remember that Sam was only just 16 when Gary first asked her out. At the time, we hadn't realised Gary was the "Chunder" hero of the cricket club dinner – or you probably wouldn't be here today.

In fairness, Gary isn't the type to get drunk and honk on his dinner – he normally just falls asleep in it.

I believe that marriage will teach Gary loyalty, self-restraint, control. It will develop in him a sense of fair play… and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single.

Some time ago, Gary asked me what it would cost to get married. I had to admit – I just don't know. I'm still paying.

So I asked him what he was looking for in marriage. He said love, happiness and eventually a family.

I asked Sam the same question. She replied "A toaster."

Handing Sam over to Gary reminds me of what my own father-in-law, Geoff, said at our wedding:

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

And if all it does is – just sit in your house, messes up your stuff, spends your money, eats your food, uses the telephone all night, and monopolises your TV…

You either married it, or gave birth to it!

Before getting to the toast, I'd like to say a few words about Sam's mum, Hazel. The real head of the family.

I know you all think of Hazel as being quiet and sober.… but that's not the whole story, of course. She's quite a deep, thinking person – you know, the philosophical type – which is how we came to be discussing marriage, the other day.

I tried a few loose definitions on her, which I thought were quite clever…

"Marriage is the difference between painting the town and painting the porch"

"Marriage is like a steaming hot bath. Once your in it, it's not so hot."

To be honest, she wasn't amused, so I tried teasing something out of her on the subject.

Interesting word, isn't it, marriage? "Would you say it's an ‘institution’ or just a word?"

I think she must have misheard because her instant reply was "I'd say it was more of a sentence."

I remember asking her if she'd ever thought of divorce. "No" she said "only murder!"

Funny thing marriage. Did you know they carried out a survey recently to establish whether married men live longer than bachelors. Apparently, there's absolutely no difference – it just seems longer when you're married!

As you may know, I haven't been too well lately. I went to see the Doc last week and he suggested I gave up half my sex life. "Which half," I asked, "talking about it or thinking about it?"

Seriously though, I can honestly say that Hazel and I are delighted to welcome Gary into the family. As his friends rightly told us, Gary genuinely is a nice guy and – although I've never asked his parents, Keith and Carol – I can see how proud they are of him.

And Gary and Sammy are extremely well suited, aren't they? Both easy going (except Sam), both respectful to their parents (except Sam), both able to deal with disaster and triumph in the same way (except Sam, the drama queen). Never mind, we love her to bits and she knows it.

I was telling Sammy the other day that, because I was worried about choking up, I wouldn't be able to say nice things about her today. She put her hands on her hips and said: "Well somebody had better say something nice!"

Whatever, they're happy and they love each other. That should be enough to see them through life together – and I am not the man to dispense advice in public. In fact, according to Hazel, I'm not the man to dispense advice at all!

And what about the bridesmaids? Didn't they look lovely, in the church? How many people in this room can say they love the bride and 2 of the bridesmaids – and fancy the other one! Poor Sharon is sitting there now, wondering whether to be flattered or insulted!

Sharon, do you remember when the second eleven won the league, and that drunken pervert tried to pinch your bottom? He chased you across the village green, over to the Anchor, round the village hall… Goodness, he must have chased you half-way round the village…

I never did catch you, did I?

As for the guests…

Welcome to you all. Today, we (on the top table) are surrounded by most of the friends and family that have been important to us during our lives. Some have traveled hundreds of miles, just to be here today. On behalf of Keith and Carol, Gary and Sam, Hazel and I – We welcome you all and thank you sincerely for your friendship and support over many years – and for sharing this special day with us.

And now for the toast… to two very special people, Gary and Sammy.