Speech by Chris W

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Chris W
Speech Date: 26/09/2016 11:03:33

(Welcome) Hello everyone, we thought we'd do the speeches before the meal, as we're all starving it should hopefully keep them short… My name is Chris and along with my wonderful wife Barbara, it is our great fortune to be the parents of the bride. I say great fortune, that may have somewhat depleted today…… But we and Ian's parents Pat and Cathy are delighted to welcome all of you to this celebration of the marriage of Mr and Mrs H. (Ian and Natalie) and I get first dibs at the speeches so here goes.

(Introducing Natalie) This day, this long anticipated day is going to be the party of the year. For the simple reason that that this room is filled with the best of all our friends,  I've known Ian for a long time, (Sigh a bit) A really long time Now I grant you, it was probably coincidence me buying that shotgun last year. (Pause for laugh)  But luckily it wasn't needed and you asked Natalie the question that brings us all here today.  I won't go into Ian's merits (Make face suggesting he has none) , nor his annoying good looks (Raise eyebrow) as there is a better man than I sitting here ready to expose any moral lapses. (Point out the best man and smile like you know what's coming).… instead as father of the bride I get to introduce you all to Natalie the soon to be blushing bride….( pause)….As this is her roast…… Roast? no sorry TOAST,,,, cos roast,,, well that would be?……wrong…..(Another knowing smile)

(First meeting) Many years ago Barbara and I came home from hospital with a little girl who over the next few days proceeded to destroy our quiet lives with the incessant crying and demands. So we came to a sensible decision and took her back to the hospital and we swapped her out for a quieter model. But, I am sure if Natalie's real parents were here today they would be very proud of what's she has become. (Show really bad photo of Donald Trump and wife)

(Lucrative beginnings) The early days with Natalie were very lucrative as we came up with ever more innovative ways to leverage her many talents but alas the advent of stronger child protection legislation meant we had eventually to curtail some of the interesting ones. (Show a series of doctored old photos. Pram sponsored by Durex, Natalie with Chimney sweep outfit being pushed up chimney and Newspaper report on “child cat burglar strikes again” with picture of Natalie peeking through cat flap. (All photo shopped))

(Fun and games) As parents you can't help feeling nostalgic for those Halcyon days. Well how I remember the weeks I spent trying to perfect exploding torpedoes for her little underwater remote controlled submarine or the pair of us hiding in her room shooting high powered CO2 lasers at night on to the local dog walkers. This was in the days before laser pens existed so we are talking about proper lasers here.  Craft evenings whilst Barbara was working were always fun as Natalie and I tried to find new things to do. I always enjoyed cocktail night… Show picture of young Natalie handing me a huge cocktail) (Photo shopped)

(The next generation) But it is in the nature of things that time flows and cycles repeat so here we are again with a new generation (Look towards granddaughter) and we have years of time to be really creative in finding things to do at playtime with young April. (Show picture of April and me leering at her whilst holding a large tattoo gun with a poster behind (Babies first Tattoo kit) (photo shopped)

(Travel) as a child Natalie was well travelled and we ended up in some extraordinary places but she has always taken it in her stride. When she was five, we ended up in Bali where one evening as we prepared to go out to a posh dinner, a very pretty little Natalie in her little white dress wandered out the room as we finished getting ready. There was a bit of a commotion outside and when we went out to see what was happening we found Natalie sitting in the frog pond. It wasn't that she was covered in weeds it wasn't the large clump of frog spawn that dripped slowly off her nose, It was that look on her face, “What? It's all fine, I'm good to go”. She was cool then she is still cool today. (Look towards bride)

(Pets) Natalie's first pets were dogs. Snoopy and Buster the Old English sheep dogs started the ball rolling but other animals joined the menagerie from stick insects to rabbits which bred like … well rabbits.… This was Natalie's first real business. Babs and I got to feed them, and clean up after them but Natalie got to sell them to the pet shops and pocket the cash. Goldfish, goldfish too, you know the ones that sometimes swim pathetically upside down and then the next day when you come home from school, they have changed size and colour,(pause) Ah it's one of the miracles of nature.  (Various pictures of young Natalie with big animals)

(The horse years) But she soon outgrew small pets and at an early age discovered horses. Her first horse proved a bit of a handful and we had to dispose of him early on (Show picture of newspaper cutting of Shergar being stolen)  but others came and went and some are still with us today. Names like Tia Gemma Song Biggles Raffles Alabama Bond and Arnie and Bosco and don't suppose for one second Ian that that list is finished yet. (Look at Groom) (Show pictures of Natalie riding horses)  Now I don't want to worry you Ian but one of the small pleasures I have of this of this wedding is saying goodbye to vet bills, 7.5 ton trucks and stable fees and well an awful lot of poo … (pause) Horse poo of course…(Pause, look down, )…..mostly..… So I get to hand over the reins of that lot to my new son in law…..… (Exaggerated Thumbs up, big leery smile at groom) (The Uni years) But life moves on, our little girl grew up and turned into a woman and a mother and alas became as all women are to us mere men, a complete and utter bloody mystery. (Pause)….but below that enigmatic shell as most here know is a girl of utter charm who still skips along the road and finds delight in everything and everyone.  (Show series of good recent pictures of Natalie. Get one of her arriving at the wedding with me and the bridesmaids and leave it as the last photo showing. ) Ian you took the hand in marriage today of a young lady of great beauty not just externally but in her heart as well.  I would like to say that your life ahead will be easy but you know that's not true, (pause)  you think the world is complex now, you just wait, everything is changing, changing faster and faster, it will not be easy for any of us here, but you, you at least, you have a Natalie, A rock, that one friend who will always back you up and bring intelligence and delight to your world and to all of us in this room.  But, should you ever have need of a shotgun, you know where I am… (Thumbs up to Groom)

(Conclusion and toast (Do it really slowly and try not to blubber when you talk, it's not a great look)) So it is with pangs of loss but with massive pride I stand before you and ask you to charge your glasses and to raise them to Natalie H, the bride… (The Bride)