Speech by David Culshaw

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: David Culshaw
Speech Date: 30/06/2014 11:55:09

Ladies and Gentlemen it is my great pleasure to commence this part of todays celebrations on Lauren and Jonathans special day. It is also a significant day as they have just promised to love each other and share everything for the rest of their lives – so I would just like to remind Jonathan that I am still holding the wedding certificate, the ink isn't dry so I still have time to wipe his name off and change it to “to be confirmed”.

I would just like to remind you that now is the time to relax. Peter and I have managed to get through the meal without spilling it all down us so gents please take your jackets off if you want to and ladies, well if you haven't got a jacket just loosen your corset or something

Also before I start can I just give you a few words of warning I'm going to make several toasts during this speech so please make sure your glasses are fully charged and don't knock it back in one – remember, the budget rules I gave Lauren, which she clearly ignored, are still in force!

Secondly, I have had this speech cleared by ACAS in case of disputes but if I do happen to insult anyone, please don't worry or take offence, its purely intentional! – sorry that's a typo, I meant unintentional!

Looking around the room I can see there are quite a few people that I have not yet spoken to so just to introduce myself, my name is David and I am the father of the beautiful bride on my right – I hope you will agree she does look absolutely stunning and I still cant quite belive she is the same little girl that I've had the pleasure of bringing up in the last 27 years.

I'd better just check – you are Lauren arent you?

Lauren, I must start by thanking you for the honour of walking you down the aisle today, I really felt like a million dollars (that's probably because it feels like its cost me a million dollars) but its an occasion that I will never forget. In particular I certainly wont forget you saying “I will” that was a beautiful moment as I think that's the first time you've answered a question in that way without arguing for half an hour! Seriously, I think you look gorgeous.

Now weddings are special occasions, not only do they bring old friends and families together they also bring new friends and families together for the first time. So I would just like to take this opportunity  to thank you all for  coming and supporting Lauren and Jonathan on their big day, particularly those who have travelled a long way.

I would also like to thank Helen and all the staff at Wrightington hotel for looking after us and making this a special day – I think you all deserve a round of applause – and a quick drink!

Before I move on I think we should all just pause for a second or two and remember those who are not here today, particularly those who are sadly no longer with us. I know it would have been a very special day for them all, particularly my mum who would have been 80 years old today but I am sure they are all looking down right now feeling extremely proud.

We also have some other birthdays today, Jonathans grandma who is 94 (actually it was yesterday but she doesn't look a day older), Laurens Uncle Alan who is 60 today, and the youngest one in the group – not often I can say that, is Paul who is 55 . I think weve got a little something for all of them…now we are not going to sing happy birthday but if you just join me in wishing them all a very happy birthday, and have another drink!

Ok, so that's the admin out of the way now onto the good stuff

In preparing for today I was often asked if I would be nervous. Actually I am not nervous mainly because I actually find the experience quite liberating – particularly as if you have lived with these 3 ladies here as I have done for the last 27 years you realise you need to take every chance you have to get a word in edgeways.

I've had lots of advice and  some from unexpected quarters, for example Andrew, having survived his own wedding to Laura last year, tried really hard to give me lots of money saving tips,  I particularly liked the idea of having a plastic cake so if it does taste a bit chewy then blame him.  The one I didn't get away with though was cutting the roast beef extra thin to make it go further – we’ ll probably do that on the buffet later when you will all have had a few drinks and wont notice as much.

The second advisor was actually John, now John had had a few drinks at the time so I originally laughed  this off but he advised me to watch the film “ father of the bride”, the one with Steve Martin – I'm sure you've all seen it. Well I did watch that film and I suddenly thought, yes, John was right, that really is like me – even down to having memory flashbacks when certain things happen. In fact I could have been Steve Martins stunt double

As an example I had a flashback just a few moments ago – I was looking at Lauren and as I said earlier she looks absolutely gorgeous (that's two compliments!) , but in this little memory bubble above my head I had this vision of Lauren when she was about 9 months old and just learning to walk..now see if you can picture this, I was going to say just close your eyes and think about it, but I've decided not to as Beryl will probably fall to sleep, 

Anyway, Jo and I would be settled down watching tv when all of a sudden something would catch my eye and  I would just glance to my right, couldn't see anything until this little hand would reach up and plonk itself  down on the arm of the couch, a few seconds later, another little hand would come up and then I would wait for the joy of seeing my daughters pretty litle face pop up..a beautiful moment? – Wrong! The face was little yes, but, well, to be honest not exactly pretty, it would be covered in snot and she would be dribbling so much the front of her clothes would be soaked  through,  its no wonder I still don't like watching horror films to this day!

But lauren has always been a leader of fashion, I also remember being called in to see the head mistress at her school – that happened quite a lot, in fact I had my own parking space and went to the staff party, but on this occasion it was about Laurens dress code and the teacher handed me Laurens school report, from which I quote…    

“Lauren usually has all the component parts of a school uniform with her but does not always wear them and should remember that makeup is not one of them. Although she is constantly  chatting she needs to consider what message she is giving out non verbally and whether it is appropriate to the situation – what is suitable for a film set of St Trinians does not suggest a serious attitude to a normal school day!”

So that's about as positive as it gets really, am joking so I'll come back to Lauren later but first of all just a few words about Jonathan and particularly when he finally plucked up the courage to ask me for Laurens hand in marriage.  That was a difficult experience for me because I admit I can be just a bit over protective of both my daughters and I remembered the times when boys started to call for Lauren. 

The first time there was a knock at the door, I answered and looked down at this lad and asked him what he wanted. He said he had called for Lauren and I said well theres a problem there.

He said why, am I too early? I just said yes – 5 years and shut the door!

After that I had quite a bit of counselling from Jo and she told me to relax and think of some warmer words to say then next time. So I took that on board and the next time there was a knock at the door, I answered and looked down at this lad (it was a different one I might add) and asked him what he wanted. He said he had called for Lauren – so I quickly thought,  now Jo suggested I use some warm words… so I just said “fire off”!

Anyway back to Jonathan asking me about Lauren,  I'd had a tip off from Jo that Jonathan might call round but she was going to be out,  I thought that was strange, mainly because  I'm not normally left alone with any of Laurens  victims,  and then I realised what was going to happen.

So Jonathan calls in and he's sat there – and he's sweating!  Now he was still in his football kit so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We were watching TV and there was nothing on but American Baseball, so we had about half an hour of of chat about baseball and it was clear neither of us knew what we were talking about.  Jonathan kept reaching for his pint of water and I knew he was gearing up for the big question, but as you know I'm fond of a bit of mischief, so helpfully I kept changing the subject!  Anyway he finally did take the plunge and blurted out how much he loved Lauren,  so I just said yes, which was probably a bit too quickly, and he said “are you sure”,  I just said “yes son, all sales are final!”

But more seriously , Jonathan I would like to formally welcome you to our family, I know I don't need  to ask if you will look after Lauren because I know that you will – and if not then I'll send Jo round!

I would also like to congratulate  Peter and Clare for bringing up such a fine young man, I'm referring to Michael of course!  Jonathan isnt bad either but seriously  I'm really proud to have him as a son in law, you've trained him really well – but Peter you still just need to teach him how to buy a round of drinks!

And a quick word about Peter, as you will know he is never short of anything to say so I asked him earlier if he wanted to add anything to my speech – he just said, tell them all “its my round” – Cheers Pete mine's a Jaeger bomb!

And now I just want to quickly break from tradition, as this is stepping on the Grooms toes a bit, and say a few words about the mother of the bride, my wife of 32 years Jo.

Mother of the bride is an extremely special role and whilst Jonathan will no doubt say some very special things about Jo (and if he wasn't he is now!) I would just like to pay my own special tribute. Mother of the bride is sort of an unsung hero,  she just sits there looking pretty, gagging to say something, but she's a peacemaker and the ultimate organiser.  In fact weve only had one late glitch, we discovered yesterday that we had forgotten to pay for the church! Now that would have been a bit embarrassing if when I handed over Laurens hand to the vicar and he handed me a credit card machine – even more embarrassing because the card would probably have been declined!

But Jo has been a massive support in the wedding arrangements and also to me in preparing for today,  she gave me some great advice,  at the beginning she just said …“stay out of the way and write a cheque when you are asked to!”

But I was determined to soak up every moment of today so this morning  I was just wondering around  at home and remembering how Lauren used to bring so much light into our lives – in fact she always left the lights on in every room!  So I was wondering around turning lights off and in every room there was lots of emotion and tears,  but there was Jo again always calm (I'm add libbing a bit there) always knowing what to say and be firm when she had to be –

so she just said..“David will you stop that blubbering every where you go!”

Finally I want to turn back to the bride, the real star of the show – and  to finish off by talking a little more about Lauren and answering the really big question of today..what exactly is Jonathan getting for my money?  

Well I cant really say that bringing Lauren up has been a poetic experience, its been more like one drama after another, but Jo and I have done our best and I've tried to capture this in a short poem

so here goes…

When lauren was born it was a cold winters night

Jo woke up and gave me such a fright

the labour pains had started, and I wondered was this for real?

but then she held my hand with a grip that was so tight  – it was my turn to let out a high pitched squeal!

It was a full 12 hours before Lauren made her appearance

and as time would tell, this was excellent training for Jo's future endurance

But despite Jo's grip stopping my circulation, like a true man I took no credit

and then I almost fainted at the birth of my new direct debit!

Now in the early months Lauren was racked with colic

so believe me, there was no time for marital frolic

(did that last 27 years love?!)

This was followed by the terrible twos

it was a time so bad that jo took up knitting to escape the blues

but we took advice and explored every option

until I had a brainwave and said  – I know, should we try adoption?

The years went by and for a while our family life was a gas

Lauren was a star pupil and top of every class

then one day the female hormones kicked in

and Jo and I just didn't know where to begin

Boundary lines were drawn which Lauren ignored, her indiscretions were a plenty

but we stuck to our guns and she was grounded more times than the A380

we also cut the plugs off her TV and CD player, we stripped the pin up posters from her bedroom walls

In fact, if she'd been a boy, I would definitely have kicked him in the balls.

Again we got through this and Lauren seemed to mature

once more our lives seemed to be free from adversity

That is until she went on to university

now like every parent we worried, will she be safe and is her accommodation clean

until the phone started to ring at 2am, with a drunken Lauren singing “come on Eileen”

After this she settled down and worked very hard, those phone calls stopped and she even won prizes on pure merit

but believe me she still made contact every month… most usually by direct debit

So then it was on to working life

but not for Lauren any trouble or strife

she landed a key management job  with Tesco, where she works incredibly hard

but Mum and Dad never get to use her staff club card!

Then it was off to Shanghai, and we thought “that's it” we we're onto a “winner”

but she came home every month as she just couldnt live without her Mums chicken dinner

So that now brings us upto date, she's a beautiful young woman and her experience has made her a tiny bit wiser

in fact shes already warned Jonathan he wont stand any chance if he tries to be a miser

Together I'm sure they have a great future, and everything they achieve will be to their credit

but to me Lauren will always be my little girl……..my little Direct Debit.

So to conclude I believe its customary to finish with some words of advice, and I just have two things to say that I'm sure will help Jonathan:-

when Lauren wants your opinion she will give it to you!

and one that's clearly my personal mantra …

a man who gives in when he is wrong is said to be wise – but a man who gives in when he is right is definitely married!

Lauren and Jonathan,  I would like to wish you many years of happy marriage and if you are just half as happy as I have been and as lucky as I have been when raising your own family then you wont have gone too far wrong.

So Ladies and Gentlemen I am delighted to propose the first toast

Please be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in toasting the bride and groom.

Thankyou.