Speech by Gordon Hamill

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Gordon Hamill
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

We are now at the part of today's proceedings that some of us have been dreading – the speeches. I have been so nervous that this is not the first time today I find myself standing up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Being the Bride's father, I have the unenviable task of starting the ramblings. I'll try to make this one as brief as possible due of my throat. Kay has threatened to cut it if I go on too long.

On behalf of Kay, Winnie, Raymond and I, we would like to thank you all for coming along from far and wide today to help us celebrate Nicola and Raymond's wedding. I think you will all agree that so far it has been wonderful. The remainder of the day has been well planned so it's up to all of you to make sure you enjoy yourselves.

I am beginning to realise why making this speech is like being invited to go to bed with the Queen – It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

I've tried to memorise this speech but with having the memory of a goldfish I'll need to use my notes. I did ask for an Autocue to be set up in front of me but Kay told me that the wedding budget would not stretch to that far and come to think of it neither would my eyes.

Before I go any further I would like to give particular thanks to a few people –

To my wife Kay for all the hard work she has put into organising today which, so far, has gone off with military precision.(By the way, from now on she is known in our house as Fraulein Hitler).

Thank you to my sister Annette for her tireless work in creating all the Wedding stationary. I know you will all agree that the invitations and the orders of service were quite simply stunning.

I would also like to thank Jenna for her beautiful singing during the ceremony. I am sure there's a star in the making there.

Finally I would like to thank my cousin Linda for all the floral decorations you have seen in both the church and on the tables here in the hotel today. Again Linda you have excelled yourself.

Can I ask the David Bailie's among you if you could take photos during the night using the cameras on the tables. These will be collected at the end of the evening and developed to give Nicola and Raymond a nice memento of the reception they will probably never remember.

Now to the newly weds –

Most of you will know that this is sort of second time around for Nicola and Raymond. I don't mean that in a marriage sense, but they did go out together when they were at school. The first time I saw Raymond was when Nicola brought him home to meet us. There he was proudly dressed up in his Hoops coming up the stairs.

When he went away that night I said to Kay “I'm not sure about that boy, after all, he was wearing a Celtic top”.

Kay said to me “Don't worry dear, it could be worse they could be getting married”.

It's a pleasure to welcome Raymond into our family. At last Mark and I will have equality – no more of the minority group “Men against PMT”.

Handing Nicola over to Raymond today reminded me of what my own father-in-law, Jim, said to me at our wedding:-

If you love something – set it free

If it comes back it was, and always and will be, yours

If it never returns, it never was yours to begin with

And if all it does is sits in your house, messes up your stuff, spends your money, eats your food, uses your telephone all night and monopolises your TV…

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Both Kay and I are proud to see Nicola looking so beautiful today. Along with her sister Lynsey, Nicola has always brightened up our lives – usually by leaving the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom lights on. They have always been chatty and had plenty to say, the trouble was it was on our phone and at our expense.

Just remember Raymond, Nicola loves clothes and she dresses to kill – unfortunately she cooks the same way.

Raymond said to me a few months ago that although he truly loved Nicola she was certainly a high maintenance model. I agreed and reminded him of the all maintenance required:-

Weekly maintenance –

One visit to the sun bed

Some designer retail therapy

Then three nights at the Gym – strange that one as I can

distinctly remember when Nicola was at school, the gym

teacher telling Kay and I that the nearest Nicola got to

breaking sweat was flicking her hair back.

Monthly maintenance –

One visit to the hairdresser

One visit to the Nail bar

Annual maintenance –

Good foreign holiday (when possible twice a year)

With all these high maintenance costs in mind I would now like to award this Warranty certificate to Raymond to mark the official hand over of all these costs. Good luck son.

(Hand Raymond a framed certificate produced from a M/Soft Powerpoint template.)

I now have some advise for the newly weds.

In 30 years of marriage to one of the loveliest women I have ever had the good fortune to begin to understand I have learned a few things:-

You both must realise that marriage is not easy but it is not impossible. Many of us know that everyone faces ups and downs in a lifetime commitment. There is no secret to a happy marriage. You'll both need to work at it like the rest of us.

There is no challenge in a marriage that cannot be overcome by the following three, three-word sentences:-

I was wrong!

You were right!

I love you!

Never go to bed on an argument – stay up all night and fight.

Advice to Nicola –

If you want something from Raymond, ask for it. Remember, Raymond is a man – hints don't work.

Nicola you will find that in marriage YOU will make all the minor decisions and Raymond will make all the major decisions.

Unfortunately Raymond, you will find that all future decisions will be of a minor nature.

I started planning this speech a month ago and I'm sure most of you feel that I've been delivering it equally as long. I haven't quite finished yet though as I still have to toast the newly weds.

This part of the proceedings reminds me of a wedding I was at recently where we had a priest and a minister at our table.

When the priest was offered a drink for the toast he said “Thank you, I'll have a large whisky please”. When the minister was offered the same he said “No thanks, I'd rather go with a scarlet woman than touch the demon alcohol”.

The priest promptly handed his whisky back and said “I didn't know there was a choice”.

Nicola and Raymond

Here's to the past for all that you have learned

Here's to the present for all that you share

Here's to the future for all that you look forward to together

May all your joys be everlasting, and may all your pain ..… be champagne

Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding and raise your glasses to

Nicola and Raymond.