Speech by Iain Kelly

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Iain Kelly
Speech Date: Oct2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, not-so-distinguished guests, family members, friends old and new, let me welcome you on this day, to the wedding of Robyn and Lee, the new Mr and Mrs Murdoch.

Many years ago, Winston Churchill was invited to give the big speech at a school prize-giving. He stood up, said “Never, never, never give up” and sat down. Well, I will never match that speech for quantity, but hopefully I can match it for quality. Besides, Robyn said I should keep it short on account of my throat – she would cut it if I kept going!

As I am not quite a stranger to speech-giving, I knew that the best place to look for inspiration these days is the Internet. What luck, I found the perfect speech and downloaded it – unfortunately I can't read it! (show computer disk)

So I started looking elsewhere for inspiration, and took myself out for a drive at night. Looking at the cat's eyes in the road, I was reminded that the man who invented them was inspired by seeing a cat's eyes glowing in the dark as he drove towards it. I was also reminded that the man driving up behind the cat went on to invent the electric pencil sharpener!

So then I started thinking straight, and thought about the reason we are all here – the wedding of Robyn and Lee. When I look at a wedding it always reminds me of a swan. What you can see is stately, beautiful and elegant, a picture of perfection, but under the surface the legs are paddling like crazy to make the whole thing work. So on behalf of Robyn and Lee, and all of us, I would like to thank the Paddler-in-chief, my wonderful wife Susan. Thank you Su.

Its traditional that I get to reveal a few embarrassing facts about the happy couple, but I don't want to reveal too much as they have enough on me to have full revenge.
It doesn't seem 21 years since Robyn arrived, but it is. She was a typical toddler, running around in her underwear chasing the cats. I believe she has given up chasing the cats. At school, Robyn was always the quiet shy one in the class – what happened? As she grew older her personality blossomed, and she gradually became the great person you see here today. It was not without its moments though, for example she watched a trailer for “The Osbournes”, looked at Ozzy Osbourne and said “Hasn't he got old since singing “Puppy Love”!”. But Su and I have always loved her and she will always have a special place in our lives.

As for Lee, I'll leave the character assassination to Stuart the Best Man. Robyn had talked about Lee for a long time before we met him. On the top of Falkland Hill on 1st January 2000, a shadow was introduced to us as Lee, and for several months that was all we had seen of him. Later encounters included me rushing out of our front door while Robyn and Lee were kissing goodnight – nice attempt at a recovery Lee, with “Nice garden Mr. Kelly”. Shortly afterwards Lee revealed his romantic nature by attempting to serenade Robyn at her bedroom window – such a pity I had dug a deep pit in the garden that day and Lee fell in it. However as we got to know him we found that he is a good, decent man and we both wish him and Robyn well.

Incidentally, the name Lee means “father of many” – don't even think about it!

I'm also expected to pass on some words of wisdom about married life. Most young couples think that their marriage will be like a fairy tale, with the handsome prince marrying the beautiful princess and both of them living a perfect life with no troubles. Well, to quote the great philosopher SHREK: “Like that's gonnae happen!”

Robert Louis Stevenson had a truer view of marriage:
“Marriage is a long conversation, chequered by disputes. The disputes are valueless, but they ingrain the difference. But in the intervals, almost unconsciously and with no desire to shine, the whole material of life is turned over and over. Ideas are struck out and shared, and the two persons more and more adapt their notions to suit the other, and in process of time, without sound of trumpet, they conduct each other into new worlds of thought.”

Always remember, a marriage is made up of you, two individual people, each with their own background and opinions, who have agreed to give each other respect, take account of each others thoughts and opinions, share both your troubles and their joys, and join your two lives into one being – a married couple.

And finally, I would like to propose a toast to the newlyweds:
Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand with me and raise your glasses:

May your wedding days be one, and your anniversaries many
May your children be blessed with rich parents
May you grow old sharing your pillows
And may your only pain be – CHAMPAGNE

To Mr and Mrs Murdoch, Robyn and Lee.