Speech by John Welsh

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: John Welsh
Speech Date: Feb 2001
Introduction
First, I would like to say how proud I am to be giving away my beautiful my baby sister today. Detta is a lovely girl and deserves a good husband. Tony, you're very lucky that she's married you, before she found one.
When Detta asked me to give her away, my wife immediately started work on the speech, and issued a long list of subjects that I am not allowed to mention:

The Taboos
For example:
Sex – of course, no smut.
Liverpool FC – I wasn't even tempted.
Newcastle United – (less) tempting at the moment.
Mother-in-laws –I haven't actually spoken to mine for the past two and a half years, it's not that we don't get on – she's a fine woman we get on like a house on fire, but it is rude to interrupt.
Don't mention the war.
The list is exhaustive, so if I transgress, I'm sorry, I tried.

Detta & Tony
Obviously, I've known Detta all of her life, she has always been a kind hearted and energetic person, it is nice to see her finally settle down. At this point in the proceedings, it is traditional to bring up a mildly embarrassing moment from her past or to highlight a strange character trait so that you can have a little giggle at her expense; but on the basis that she has got so much more on me than I have on her, in the interest of self preservation, I'm just going to skip that.
Tony, on the other hand, I have also have gotten to know fairly well over the last couple of years. He has proven himself to have a strong right arm, mainly due to exercises with a beer glass late into the evening.
To be fair, Tony is not afraid of displaying his sporting prowess; At this year's Garden House Invitation Tennis Tournament he did win the ping-pong competition – well done!. However, when it came to the main event, he made it as far as the first round, tamely capitulating to a competitor of the female persuasion. This is not to denigrate women's tennis, there are many great players; the Williams sisters, Monica Seles, Martina Hingis. But believe me on this one, this lady isn't among them. This was bad … made worse by my son Adam, who was watching the match, shouting in the background “Tony, you can't lose to her, she's a woman … AND she's DRUNK!” – in mitigation perhaps, she wasn't the only one.
I do remember Detta once described Tony as “Handsome from Afar”, although, we'd had a few at the time and it might have been ‘far from handsome’.

Advice
The occasion of a wedding presents itself as a great temptation for us old hands to pass on some advice to the happy couple and the only thing that I can't resist is temptation, so here goes:
There are many things that go into making a marriage happy: love & fidelity of course, innate trust; the security of someone who will always listen; most of us know the secrets of a well-worked-at marriage, are persistence and patience, tolerance and forbearance, stoicism, tenacity, stamina, forgiveness or, failing that, a defective memory. It also helps, of course, if the husband is always prepared to take the blame, as is only right and just. … , Well, that's amazing, after eighteen years of marriage, my wife still manages to surprise me, Glynn I thought you didn't know how to use Microsoft Word.
I did serious research into the subject of marital advice, in fact, I asked a significant selection of the population for their advice to a couple setting out on the adventure of marriage. Their answers were surprising, not in their originality but in their unanimity. To a man, they all said “DON'T do it!“ With any statistics, there must be informed interpretation, my own interpretation of this information being that this doesn't so much reflect in the institution of marriage as much as it does on the characteristics of the clientele of the squash club bar on a Friday evening.

General
Getting down to the advice.
It is very important to co-ordinate your use of the toothpaste, squeeze from the same end of the tube and always replace the lid. Many more marriages are ruined in the bathroom than in the bedroom.

Detta
Never go to bed in the middle of an argument, stay up and fight, but be diplomatic and magnanimous when you let him have your own way.
If you want something from Tony, ask for it. Remember Tony is a man, hints do not work.
You will find in your marriage, that you make all of the minor decisions whilst Tony makes all of the major decisions. Tony, you will find that all future decisions turn out to be of a minor nature.

Tony
You must consider the words of Oscar Wilde, "Women are meant to be loved, not understood"
Marriage will bring to you many things, Loyalty, self restraint, obedience, and a whole host of other virtues that you wouldn't need had you to remained single.
Now that you are married, Detta will always have the last word in any argument – any word that you come out with afterwards is by default, the start of a new argument!
Remember, when you buy her flowers …….it PROVES you're guilty. (but or course, beware the far more serious consequences of not buying her flowers !)
Put the seat down after you.
And remember those two invaluable words “Yes Dear”

From the older generation
I'm very much aware that my role here is by proxy, and so I would like to reiterate on a little bit of dad's advice for Tony's sake.
Keep your ears open, your mouth shut, do as you're told and you will get a fair amount of peace in your marriage, … for perfect peace, shut your ears as well.

And finally, would you all join me in a toast; Detta, Tony:
May you live as long as you like, and have all you need for as long as you live,
May the road you choose be smooth, and your burdens light,
May your joys be everlasting, and may all your pain . . . be champagne.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. & Mrs. Wright.