Speech by John

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: John
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Thank you Judy I mean Jodie WELCOME, Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls Tracey, Andy Pauline and wife: Before I begin my little talk to you all today I would like to introduce myself.
My name is John and I am the proud Father of the Bride who I think we all agree looks stunning in her beautiful ivory wedding dress. I would also like to introduce you all to my lovely shy retiring wife Jane who is seated on my right wearing the PASTACCIAO suit. We have been happily married for 6 years, which isn't bad out of 31 years, and as I am often reminded the Great Train Robbers endured a shorter sentence!

To continue I shall endeavour to keep this speech as short as possible because of my throat-no it's not sore but Jane in the CAPPUCINO suit has threatened to cut it if I ramble on for too long! At the moment I am trying to remember the ABC of public speaking….always be confident and before I stood up I remembered the XYZ of public speaking….examine your zipper! So far I hope you all agree that the um er Wedding has been a great success and let's hope it continues in the same vein.

Before I continue Jane in the SCARLET GREEN suit and myself| would sincerely like to welcome Pauline, Andy's Mum and relatives and friends of both families to this very happy occasion and we would like to offer an extra special thanks to those of you who have travelled long distances to be here today. And not forgetting a safe journey home as well.
We would also like to thank Sue for arranging all the catering and for not allowing my wife to cook! We'd also like to thank Malcolm for the beautiful service. If any of you require his services he can be contacted on www.hallelujah.com/vicar!

My wife in the MAGENTA suit and myself are so very proud today to see Tracey looking so beautiful …….she has always brightened up our lives; she never turned the lights off! She always said she had nothing to wear but filled six wardrobes full of clothes. Tracey dresses to kill and cooks the same way! Only joking Tracey. It's funny what crosses your mind when you have to prepare yourself to give a Father of the Bride speech-I feel like a Sheik walking into his harem for the very first time-I know what I've got to do, I just don't know where to start! While I was being driven here in the Wedding car I glanced at the cats eyes in the road and remembered that the man who invented them saw a cat walking towards him in the dark……imagine if the cat had been walking in the opposite direction he would have invented the pencil sharpener!

On this day in 1944 the allies liberated Paris and on this day in the year 2001 Andy has been captured by Tracey .Also on this day in 1875 an Englishman swam the English Channel mainly using the breaststroke. My wife in the VANILLA suit and myself think Andy will have to start learning to crawl from now on. Or did he swim the channel using the crawl and will Andy have to start using the breast –stroke! Only joking Andy. Now you've all heard of the dizzy blonde, well now I'll tell you about the dizzy brunette yes you've guessed it…Tracey!

Leading up to this happy occasion we were ordered by Tracey to get fitted up for our clobber pretty early because of my bum, you see according to all my family I haven't got one well not a nice big one to fill trousers anyway. So off we all trooped to the tailors and you've guessed it the trousers were a perfect fit first time. And since then Andy has told me that he thinks I've got rather a cute ass his words not mine which makes me wonder should he have got married at all!

And then on another occasion Tracey was showing Courtney one of the flower girls today how to carry a basket of flowers while she was seated on a chair. Apparently Tracey needed to do what we all do…well women don't do you girls; Tracey coyly leaned to one side and reminded me of the definition of what is a laugh: it is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.… anywhere else and you're in trouble! WE WERE IN DEEP TROUBLE! It is a bit windy today isn't it!

Tracey has always been a kind and considerate daughter and has also had the odd disaster happen to her; who else could leave Nottingham in a taxi bound for Hucknall and end up in a Police car. Tracey did: she fell asleep in the taxi and it was all the driver could think of to wake her up. Who else could go to the greyhound meeting and back the greyhound called, “Trap Vacant”…Tracey did!

Tracey has always been the studious type and once went on Mastermind at school. Asked who was Joan of Arc Tracey said,”Was it Noah's wife!” What would you find in ancient Greece? Tracey: “ancient chips!” Name a famous artist with a brown finger? “Picasso!” What was Gandhi's first name? “ Goosey Goosey!” Where's Uganda? “At home with my grandma!” What's a Hindu?
“Lays eggs!” What's a Hebrew? “A male teabag!” Name someone who was born in a stable and has thousands of followers? “Red Rum!” Name a Spanish streaker? “ Seenyour Willy!” What is the Japanese word for nappy? “Sackapoopoo!” All joking aside Tracey means the world to Jane and I and also the rest of the family and we love her dearly. And now a few words about Andy:

The first we knew of Andy was when Jane in the REGENCY suite on my right found him on our settee at 4 o'clock one morning. Jane quietly said “ Have you no home to go to (Irish accent) By now Andy wanted the sofa to swallow him up because he thought Jane had a shotgun hidden under her negligent which she was nearly wearing. In fact he thought his relationship with Tracey was coming to a premature end. He was redder than he is now. I have already congratulated Andy: I said, “ Andy, you will always remember this as the happiest day of your life”…that was yesterday! When we first met I discovered he was a Nottingham Forest supporter with a season ticket. I asked him if he had seen them win much and he replied, “Not really, I've only been going for 3 seasons!” I also asked Andy what he wanted out of marriage and he replied love, happiness and eventually a family. I asked Tracey the same question and she replied, “ a perky copulator…I think she meant a coffee percolator.

Before the toasts I've just one more thing to say to you ANDY (PLAY SONG) Bobby Vee Take Good care of my Baby (Great Results of tears)

And now on behalf of Jane and myself I would like to ask you to raise your glasses and propose a toast to Absent Friends and family.

And now to the Bride and Groom:
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may we express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population…..The BRIDE and GROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!