Speech by Jon Smith

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Jon Smith
Speech Date: Jul2005
Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon.

I'm Jon and as some of you know and the rest must have guessed by now, I have the proud honour of being the father of the bride – at least, they told me it was an honour but I gather I'm really just the warm-up act for the best man.

This is the first time I've given a speech as the father of a bride, and unless something very unexpected happens it'll be the last. I shan't be sorry, because it's not easy. It's a bit like being a sheikh walking into his harem for the first time – you know what you've got to do, you just don't know where to start… or whether you'll survive to the end.

When I asked Helen what I was supposed to say, she told me it was [exasperated Oh, dad!] very simple. All I had to do was four things.

Firstly, I had to welcome you all, and thank you on behalf of myself and Sheila, and Andy's parents T and J, for coming. Welcome, and thank you. Some of you, I know, have come a long way. From Andy's side of the family there are .… and on Helen's side we have.… Thank you all for being here and helping to make this such a special day.

This is probably the moment to remember those who can't be here, for whatever reason, and of course among those is Helen's mum Joan, who died when Helen was only eight. I know she'd be very proud to be here today to see what a wonderful person Helen's turned out to be, and she'd be as delighted as we all are that she's chosen Andy for her husband.

As well as thanking you all for being here, I must say thank you, too, to the organisational genius responsible making sure everything has gone according to plan… so far, anyway. So thank you, Helen – you've done a great job. It's a pity about the weather but even Helen can't control everything.

One thing she didn't do was try making the cake – which was probably very wise. I'm not saying she can't cook – I wouldn't dare, that's Andy's job now – but she's the only girl I know who uses her smoke alarm as an egg-timer. So she asked her Aunty Jan to make the cake, and I know she'd want me to say a special thank you to her for doing such a fantastic job.

It's on a sea theme, covered in shells and mermaids. I don't know what's in it, but I'm told seaweed doesn't taste nearly as bad as you'd expect.

The second thing Helen said fathers of the bride have to do in their speech is say a few words about the bride. She made me promise solemnly not to say anything today to embarrass her and I said I wouldn't, on the basis that she's got a lot more on me than I have on her. So if you want the full unexpurgated story, including the pictures of her stark naked in the bath when she was six months old, you'll have to log-on to the website at www.helensmostembarrassingmoments.com… which Andy's promised to help me put the finishing touches to as soon as they get back from honeymoon.

So what do I say about Helen? It doesn't seem like – hang on, let me work it out — 26 years and 24 days since I first set eyes on her, dangling upside down in the maternity unit having her bottom smacked by the doctor. There have been times since when I've felt he had the right idea, and I'll bet Andy has too.

We christened her Helen. I've since discovered it comes from the Greek and means ‘the bright one’, which may explain why she was nicknamed The Bean at a very early age. Nobody quite knows why: it might have been something to do with her shape, or her colour, or the fact that her stepsisters took one look at her and said they didn't know what all the fuss was about, she was just a smelly little human bean like every other baby.

Whatever the reason, the name stuck, and there are people all over Britain who know her as Beanie Smith. Now she's grown-up and married, of course, she'll want people to call her by her proper name… and she's spent all week practising writing it… Beanie Symonds.

Helen quickly learnt to talk — and has been practising nonstop ever since. She started off, of course, calling me Dadadadadad but very soon – she was about six, I think — I turned into Daddy and then into Dad.

Those of you who have daughters know this can be pronounced in an infinite number of ways. To us males of the species it's just one simple three-letter word, Dad, but to daughters it's a whole language. They learn it in the cradle. Have you ever wondered what mothers are crooning in their little girls’ ears as they feed them? It's how to say speak Dad.

There's the simple [commanding] Dad which is the verbal equivalent of a flick of the fingers, demanding your instant attention to the most important person in the universe.

Then there's [sharp] Dad! to warn you that you're not doing exactly what she wants,

[short sharp, down] Oh dad! which means Do I really have to tell you everything?, and

[exasperated, teeth-gritted] Daaaaaaaaad which means Please don't keep on telling me you know best, I'm grown up now and can look after myself, thank you.

Then there's the Possessive Tense. Da-ad which means I want something, the longer Da-aaa-d which means I want you to buy me something, and four-syllable Da-aa-a-ad which means I want you to buy me something really expensive.

And if they don't work, of course, there's the killer Da-aaaaaad [choking, tearful] which translates as I really don't believe you're refusing to do this tiny little thing for me and how can you possibly think it isn't worth going bankrupt if it makes your little daughter happy?

Hands up all the dads who've been there? All of you, of course you have.

Have you noticed that you're My Dad when she's getting her own way — you know, My dad'll pick us up after the party at three in the morning, he doesn't mind, really — but you're My Father when she isn't — My father says I can't go hitchhiking alone through Albania, how mean is that?

Today I hope I'm being My Dad.

Helen tried to prove early on that she wasn't the same as other babies by having her first hangover at the age of eighteen months after spending Christmas afternoon knocking back all the leftover drinks when nobody was watching. She still holds the world under-fives record for hicupping and long-distance throwing-up.

Since then I've watched her grow up, go to school, pass her A-levels, and learn to drive — I was going to teach her myself but the first time we went out in a car she drove straight into the front of a house… behind her. She said she just didn't know how to stop, an excuse she's been known to make on other occasions too, especially on Saturday nights.

I've seen her sail through university, start her career and begin to make a name for herself persuading other young people that they, too, can succeed if they try as hard as she has.

Now look at her (this is the serious bit). Grown-up, beautiful, responsible, loving and lovable. She's everything a daughter should be, and a friend as well. Over the years she's told me her secrets – well, some of them –, shared her worries, put up with me giving her advice and even taken notice of it sometimes. I'm very, very proud of her.

That's enough of Helen, she'll run out of blushes. The third thing she told me I had to do today was say how wonderful Andy is and how lucky he is to have got her. He is and he is. Andy's a lovely lad who's already very much part of the family and knows exactly what he's letting himself in for, so he's got only himself to blame.

I first met Andy when he came with Helen to our football team, and he's been scores of times since. Now that's what I call devotion.

He told me that first day he was a football fan and a lifelong Newcastle supporter, though I'm not quite sure how the two go together. 26 years backing the Magpies, 26 years of unfulfilled hopes and broken dreams — good practice for marriage, then. Apart from his choice of football team he's obviously a man of excellent taste– look who he's picked for a wife.

Andy tells me he knew Helen was his Miss Right from the moment they met. It was only later on that he learnt her middle name was Always.

Two things about Andy convince me that he's the right man for Helen. Beneath that macho football-fan motorbike-riding lager-swilling exterior is a real softie with a heart of gold. Do you know — he's not going to thank me for telling you this — that he proposed to her on one knee beneath the moon in Paris? In French? And before that he'd actually asked me for my permission to seek her hand in marriage? What a star! What a romantic! What a — Heaven knows what would have happened if I'd said no. They'd still have got married, of course, but I wouldn't have had to make this speech..

The second reason I knew Andy had to be my son-in-law is that he's the only person I know who can program my video. I'm not losing a daughter today, I'm gaining an IT genius.

So here they are – married, man and wife, and I'd like to ask the pair of them to take part in a little extra ceremony with me. Helen, put your hand here on the table… and Andy, put yours on top of it… now savour the moment, Andy – this is the last time you'll ever have the upper hand. Okay, you can let go now…

One thing the father of the bride is traditionally supposed to do is offer some worldly thoughts and advice on marriage. Oddly enough, Helen hasn't asked me to do this. Nevertheless I did a trawl through the internet for ideas. I entered marriage into Google, and it came up with about a billion soundbites of wisdom.

There were all the old jokes – you know,

marriage is an institution and who wants to live in an institution? and

It's not true married men live longer than bachelors, it just seems that way, and

The bride and groom have made a pre-nuptual agreement based on give and take – Andy's going to give, Helens’ going to take —

but I did find a couple of bits of advice I thought were worth repeating.

One's from Ogden Nash, who said: The secret of a successful marriage is this: When you're wrong, admit it – when you're right, shut up.

And someone whose name I forgot to record gave this advice: never go to bed on an argument – stay up and fight!

The final thing Helen told me I had to do today was propose a toast to the pair of them. Ladies and gentlemen, pray be upstanding for the bride and groom.

May they benefit from all they've achieved in the past, enjoy all they have at the present, and have all they wish for in the future. Let us toast the new Mr and Mrs Symonds — The bride and groom!