Speech by Keith Strand

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Keith Strand
Speech Date: 15/10/2015 23:04:31

Good Afternoon Everyone.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Keith and I am the very proud father of this beautiful Bride.

Now Ladies and Gentlemen, I should probably make you aware from the very start, that I lack any real practical experience as a speaker.

Having spent over half of my life, living in a house with three women and far too many children there have been few opportunities when I have been allowed to speak, and even fewer opportunities when anyone has actually been listening !!!!

So I hope you will forgive me therefore, if this speech is not as professional as the ones that are to follow, because this really is a new experience for me.

When preparing for this speech I remembered something from when the children were all younger; we used to have a family rule for when we were all together, and this was; if you had something to say and you did not want to be interrupted you had to be holding the spoon…!!!

……… and therefore with that in mind, I have brought a spoon along with me today……!

I would like to begin by welcoming you all today to this wonderful venue, and saying a big thank you from all of us on this table for making the time and effort to join us to celebrate Lydia and Dan's wedding. We know that many of you have made long journeys to be here today, and we hope you have a great time.

I would also like to say a special thank you to all the staff today, for making this day the special occasion it so deserves to be.

Now I believe that tradition dictates that a dad should share a few stories about his daughter. I know that Lydia is particularly nervous about what I might say in this next part of my speech; after all it is part of a father's job description to embarrass his children, and I am particularly good at it. What with falling over a wall and breaking two ribs whilst out with my future son-in-law on his stag night and then, less than a week later, falling down the stairs badly tearing my ankle ligaments, Lydia was thinking that she might be pushing me down the aisle in a wheel chair today rather than me walking her down it? You can now relax Lydia, I'll at least wait until we are on the dance floor before I start embarrassing you today !!!

Again whilst preparing for this speech, I looked through some old photographs of the children for inspiration. One photo in particular stood out from the others. It was a picture of my little girl lying on the floor, dribbling, gurgling and trying to take a few wobbly steps …………..… ………………..it's the only photo I have of Lydia on her hen night, so it's quite a special one.

Lydia, I am blessed to have you in my life, and I hope you are aware just exactly how much I love you, and how very proud I am of the lovely young lady you have become. It has been an absolute joy for me to watch, a very talkative, inquisitive, but sometimes shy, little girl develop into the very beautiful, clever, loyal and loving young lady whom it has been my honour and privilege, to escort down the aisle today.

Lydia does seem to have inherited very few bad habits from her dad…….… however, lots of people do suffer from wind, Lydia so it's nothing to be ashamed of…….! ……………….Dan, do beware! …..… Phew………!

Thankfully though, most of her better traits appear to have come from elsewhere within the family.

Now like most fathers, I was extremely protective of my daughters; I took the view that no man was ever going to be good enough for my girls, and was in favour of capital punishment for anyone who tried to take them away from me…… and with two elder brothers also looking out for her; prepared to fend off any potential suitors, you could say then, that Lydia has been very well chaperoned…………..

Now as you can probably imagine, when the time eventually arrived for me to see Lydia off to University, this was achieved with no small amount of trepidation, on my part especially; however, it was for well over a year that I found myself with very little to worry myself over; every time Lydia would casually drop a boys’ name into our conversation, only to have it greeted with one of my usual enquiring looks, she would quickly reassure me with the words “it's okay dad, he's Gay! So you can stop worrying and rest assured that there is no threat to my honour from him!”

And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, you can perhaps share with me, my total horror when upon the occasion when Dan's name crept into our conversation; when in response to my question……..

………..… “and I suppose Dan is Gay too…..?”

Lydia's entirely too hasty retort was…….

………..… “Oh no Dad; Dan is most definitely not Gay….!!”

Indeed, it was at this point, I recall that not only did I round upon those words of Lydia's but within moments, the two frowning faces of her big brothers’ had also joined us both in the kitchen; with Russell immediately demanding to know of Dan's intentions and what were his prospects; and Adam threatening immediacy of checks being made through the Criminal Records Bureau and Interpol; I believe there may have even been mention of knowing someone who could sort him if needs arose…….!

…….And so Ladies and Gentlemen, it was in this most welcoming atmosphere of open mindedness that I (and her two big brothers) was first introduced to Dan. 

I know that tradition dictates that at this point, I am supposed to welcome Dan today into our family, but the truth is that, from day one he has been like another son to me, and by that I mean he used to leave his clothes all over the house, stay in bed until past midday, drink my cider and hide the TV remote control!!

It certainly didn't take long for me to notice that Lydia was really smitten by this young man, and when he started letting me bore him with my stories and laughing at my jokes, I knew he was getting serious too………

……………………..Grovelling little git!

When Dan came around to ask for Lydia's hand in marriage (for which I had been tipped off), he had obviously had a drop or two of Dutch courage..… He was sweating and shaking quite noticeably and rambling on about nothing; an hour had past and he still hadn't asked, and that's when I started to shake and sweat; I was beginning to think that he had changed his mind !!! Thankfully though he did finally muster up the courage to ask, and here we are today.

I guess it will be of little surprise to any of you, that having now secured my blessing in this matter, Dan for some reason, also felt a desire to run his intentions past Lydia's brothers, just to ensure that they too were on board with this crazy idea of his?

You often wonder as a parent just how well your children will turn out. You wonder what sort of life decisions they will make, especially those that you have no control over. What friends will they choose? Who will they pick as a partner to share their life with? Will that person love and care for them as well as you would? Will you approve?

Well Lydia; for what it is worth; I believe that you have made a cracking choice.

Now sticking with tradition, I think at this point that I am also supposed to pass on some worldly advice to my new son-in-law, to help him SURVIVE..… Errr, sorry, I mean ENJOY……… his new marital status.

Well Dan I have just two small pieces of advice that I hope you will find of use?

The first is really to enjoy your honeymoon period, and if you're not sure what this is let me explain. This is the time in your marriage between “I do” and “No you can't go out with your mates tonight”……… all married men have been there Dan !!!

The second is loosely based upon a piece of advice my own father offered to me on the day of my own wedding to Lydia's mother: –

He took me to one side and told me; “Son, when I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers; I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.”

“When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.”

I told her, “Of course they're too big; I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, you mum and I never had a single problem.”

So taking my father's advice, as soon I got to be alone with Lydia's mother after the wedding, I did the same thing; I took off my trousers, gave them to my new bride and told her to put them on.

Of course the trousers were far too big and she said she couldn't possibly wear them.

“Exactly,” I replied; “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will; I don't want you to forget that.”

She paused for a moment to fully take in what I had just said and then disappeared into the bathroom, returning just a few moments later holding a pair of her panties.

These she handed to me saying; “Try these on,”

Now I'm thinking, well this is a bit kinky, but hey, it's the 70s, this is my wedding night, so I'll go with it; so I dutifully tried to put them on, but try as I might, they were just far too small and so finally after struggling for what seemed to be ages, I gave up saying; “Sorry love but, I can't possibly get into your knickers,”

To which she replied “Exactly! And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will!”

And so as you can imagine, it was with a certain amount of attitude adjustment on my part that we embarked upon our married life; needless to say Dan, as you are aware Lydia has three siblings, so there were at least FOUR times along the way where I did actually allow Lydia's mother to wear those trousers…….!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I'm getting close to outstaying my welcome, and I can see both the groom and the best man are very eager to get on with their speeches!!!!

I do however have one final very pleasurable responsibility to fulfil.

Lydia and Dan; may your marriage be a truly happy one, may you begin with an unforgettable honeymoon, and may you have a long and wonderful life together.

I am sure that the loved ones who could not be here with us today for whatever reason, will all be wishing you both the best, in this new chapter in your lives together, and those who we have lost along life's journey, I am also certain, will be looking down upon you both approvingly, from the best seats in the house, with fond memories in their hearts.

It is my very great pleasure to propose the first toast to the happy couple:

So could I ask you please to be upstanding and raise your glasses to the Bride and Groom.

The Bride & Groom (Lydia and Dan) everyone!

Thank you all very much for being so attentive whilst I have been speaking; and I shall now hand over ‘The Spoon’ to the Groom; Dan.