Speech by Ken Gill

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Ken Gill
Speech Date: 08/09/2014 02:20:10

Ladies and gentlemen for those that don't know me I've got the inestimable pleasure of being Fi's dad.  This is one of the few times in a life when not only am I expected to give advice to the happy couple but I'm also supposed to warn of the pitfalls and traps along the way without fear of interruption, pause(for planned interruption from the Bride's sister),  ah well ….

I first met Fiona one cold Misty, Moisty, November morning. She has no idea just how close she came to being called Misty Dawn, but I'm no Clint Eastwood fan so I decided to forgo that idea and just do as She Who Instantly Must Be Obeyed – my darling Joc – had told me to do.  This was very easy because we were both of one mind. Fi however would prove over the years to have a totally different idea as to what she thought we wanted and what she wanted herself.

One of the things I've learnt over the years is It's important to get things right in this world ,even if you don't know the right words to use, so when she was still knee high to a grasshopper found out that we hadn't taught her the words “un-broken or whole and beak”  – so to her a side view of her drinking cup looked somewhat like a bird's beak, so she came up with “birds have spouts don't they daddy”.  And, just to show how mean we were as parents, we always kept unbroken biscuits for guests but she and Zoe could always have broken biscuits, normally from the top of a packet, until she got fed up with this and announced that she didn't want a broken biscuit “Daddy want a mended one.”

She once fell face first out of her high chair, with her sister's help undoing the straps that had held her into her high chair, she chipped a front tooth on the dining room table in front of her – at least her point of impact would be repeated many times over the years as she substituted her water for vodka and cranberry juice at the same volumes! 

One day when we came back from holiday Joc found a plant growing out of the upstairs sink overflow.  The girls said “Woops we put a peanut down the overflow to see what would happen.” the leaves had grown green right out of the overflow – much to our amusement, which all goes to prove what you can get from a peanut. 

We always knew that Fi would be good looking – and this was first confirmed as a babe in arms when she won the beautiful baby competition at Bassingbourn Church Fete many years ago.  I'm pleased to see that she has continued to shine and has ended up as this gorgeous young lady before you today.

We can gloss over the first time of many that she came home drunk from the rec, I'm sure she didn't hear our laughter but we were both apopleptic with mirth as she bounced off both sides of the stairs on her “unobtrusive way to her room”.  Likewise the promise “we'll just have half a dozen girls round for a quiet evening” as we left for the cinema.

When we returned home late that evening the front lawn had disappeared under a mountain of bikes, the walls of the house were visibly pulsing to the Music? from within. And we had to knock for entry ‘cos someone had locked the front door against key entry.  To my surprise I actually had some alcohol left in the house.

Fi was always attracted to cars and we gave her her first car – the legendaryNorman- at 17 and this she drove for many a year. When she cracked her sternum this was due to someone else driving their car however this apparently her attraction to expensive cars in front of her and eventually saw the end of poorNorman.  She then surprised us all by trading in her wrecked car (worth all of £150) for £2500 and bought AJ, the Brand new Polo instead.  So Jono when you get a car make sure she still has a good no claims‘s discount.  Hint …She's still on her Mum's insurance.

Fi and Zoe used to spend their weekends Jumping off the boat etc at stone point and being a right pair of swallows and amazons, sculling around in the dinghy and running the yacht aground… until they discovered competitive dancing that is.   And that saw the end of her main nautical adventures.  Together with Zoe she won the regional pairs dance competition first time out as a novice and was chaired at shoulder height by the entire dance school across the floor.

Fi was always a good middle distance runner and together with Zoe one weekend we ran round Disney Land in Paris to make the Space Mountain ride over half a dozen times in an hour while everyone else was at the mid day parade, instead of waiting for 3/4s of an hour per go as we'd had to in the morning.

Fi has also demonstrated her skill at catching fish during her round the world trip –including a catching a piranha with rod and line while she was standing in the middle of a South American river one evening- as you do while you're there – so her catch of young Jono was well within her skill set. 

But Jono take note of her obsession with both country music and the Backstreet Boys and don't, whatever you do, don't  watchWolfCreek just before you tour Oz in a camper van.

At this point I'd ask us all to pause and remember those who're not able to be with us to celebrate this day but who'd’ve been here if they could including my mum, dad and Ken England but – And finally this last piece of advice is to both of you, with special thanks to Richard.

Just remember sometimes you do have to turn right entering an aircraft.  You can't always turn left.

Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding as we toast the health of the Bride and groom and wish them the best possible fortune and future.  The Bride and Groom.