Speech by Kevin Jefferies

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Kevin Jefferies
Speech Date: Nov2004
Well, good afternoon everyone, for those of you that don't know me my name is Kevin and I'm Nadine's Dad, and in keeping with tradition, it is my honour and privilege to deliver the ‘Father of the Bride Speech’. Having to make this speech is one of the few opportunities in a married mans life when he is allowed to do all of the talking…and I intend to make the most of it. Now, giving a speech can be a little stressful so I will put into practice what I have learnt about giving speeches, that is…always remember the ABC to the XYZ of public speaking. ABC..Always Be Confident, …XYZ..Xamine Your Zip. (check zip).
I told Nadine that this speech was going to take 24 minutes but I was only joking, I timed it and it was 23 minutes. Actually it won't be a long speech on account of my throat….no, it's not sore, it's just that Arlene threatened to cut it if I say the wrong thing or go on too long! So I can guarantee either way it will be finished earlier.

So .Distinguished guests, those of dubious distinction and those of absolutely no distinction whatsoever, family, relatives, friends, relatives of friends, friends of friends, freeloaders and hangers-on, on behalf of Arlene and myself, I extend a warm welcome to Nadine and Dan's wedding celebration reception. I would also like to acknowledge family and friends that could not be here today, I am sure they are thinking of you.
I will start by taking this opportunity to thank Arlene for helping to organise this event, but also being a tolerant wife and more importantly an outstanding mother and the guiding influence in the upbringing of Nadine, culminating in today's celebrations.
Dan you will realise that in future you will have to say these sorts of things.
It is traditional for the Brides father to offer some worldly thoughts and advice about marriage, and during my last life sentence (no time off for good behaviour) I've learned a few things about it, so firstly for Dan…
Dan, we are delighted to welcome you and into our family. By now you must be wondering what on earth you let yourself in for, I would be as I have known Nadine for a lot longer than you.
I want you to know that Arlene and I took to you instantly. You are a kind, considerate man who deserves a good wife. Thank goodness you married Nadine before you found one! Only kidding!
Dan, always help Nadine with jobs around the home. Apparently there has never been a recorded case where a wife has shot her husband while he was doing the washing up or the vacuuming.
When Dan asked me for Nadine's hand in marriage I agreed, on one condition, that he also took the other hand that always seemed to be tied to my wallet.
Dan, always remember the words of Oscar Wilde ‘women are meant to be loved…not understood’

Now that you are married, Nadine will always have the last word in any argument, any word that you may utter after that is, by default, the start of another argument!

Remember, when you buy her flowers…it proves your guilt. But of course, beware of the more serious consequences of not buying her flowers.
Always put the toilet seat down after you and if you really want to annoy them put the seat and the lid down together as then they can't complain. And always remember those two invaluable words ‘Yes Dear’
Seriously though Dan if you want Nadine to listen and pay attention to your every word – talk in your sleep!
I asked Dan yesterday what he was looking for in marriage. He said love, happiness, security, and eventually, perhaps, if all goes well…a big screen TV like yours! I thought that was a nice balance between sentiment and sucking up.
I asked Nadine the same question and without hesitation she said she would like a coffee percolator with instructions for Dan on how to use it.

Now some words of wisdom for my lovely Nadine.
Arlene and I are very proud of all our children but especially proud today to see Nadine looking so beautiful on this her wedding day. It doesn't seem very long ago that she was 5 and we were discovering her treasures, 4 week old dinners hidden under the couch.
Nadine moved on from that to be a hairdresser at an early age. Yes she decided to give her younger sister, who had lovely ringlets, a hair trim but as the sides never seemed to be even the lovely curls just disappeared along with most of her hair.
Then came the driving lessons. It made no difference that I had many years of experience or other drivers did as well, they were wrong and Nadine had to let them know that by leaning on the horn until the other car was out of sight, hand waving normally with a number of fingers involved, or vocals! I have had to censor this because of the younger people, but she would say “You beep old beep, get of the beep road” Now if you have driven with Nadine in Auckland lately you will know exactly what I mean.
For many years now I have told Nadine and her sisters that they are not allowed to get married until they were 45, Nadine is not looking too bad is she.
If you know Nadine you know arguments are her forte. Nadine, never go to bed in the middle of an argument…stay up and fight! But be diplomatic and gracious when you let Dan have your way.
Nadine if you want something, ask for it. Hints do not work on men.
Nadine you will find in your marriage that you will make all the minor decisions whilst Dan will make all the major decisions, which is normal. And I forgot to tell you this Dan, you will find that all future decisions will be of a minor nature.
Nadine, there are really only two bequests we as parents can ever hope to give our children. One is roots and the other is wings. You have deep roots to our family that will never be broken but now that you have flown the nest don't come home too often.
“D A N” Dan and Nadine… It was obviously meant to be.

There are many things that go into making a marriage happy: love & fidelity of course, trust, the security of having someone who will always listen or failing all that a defective memory. It also helps if the husband always takes the blame, as is only right…
I have to say that Nadine and Dan are extremely well suited, aren't they? They're happy and love each other. That should be enough to see them through life together.
It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Whoever said that knew nothing about women…and even less about fractions.

I said this speech was not going to be long and I can see Arlene is eyeing up a knife in front of her so I think it is time for me to sit down.
But before I go some genuine advice. Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and blossom when we love the one we marry. It is very obvious that they have found in one another a perfect match; their happiness today shines like a beacon.
Nadine and Dan, there is no challenge in a marriage that cannot be overcome by the following three, three word sentences: I was wrong. You were right. I love you.
So, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and make sure your glasses are charged…
Nadine and Dan…
Here's to the past for all that it taught you
Here's to the present for all that you share
And here's to the future for all that you can look forward to together
Ladies & gentlemen please raise your glasses.
To…Nadine and Dan, Bride and Groom