Speech by Malcolm Ferguson

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Malcolm Ferguson
Speech Date: Sep2007
Good afternoon Ladies.Gentlemen..as the father of the bride..I have the pleasure of making the first speech..followed by Colin Tom's Dad who will be paving the way for the star speakers. the groom Tom and best men Philip and Steve ..who I know are keen to entertain you with their youthful words of wisdom.

This is actually the second time I've given a speech as the father of a bride.. and unless something very unexpected happens.. it'll be the last.

Before continuing any further I must say how lovely all of the ladies look. especially my beautiful daughter .Cara .who looks breathtaking.. As do her equally stunning brides maids.

I would like to extend a warm welcome to each and every one of you here today..to celebrate the Marriage of Cara and Tom. grandparents..aunts.uncles..cousins..
friends.. and a handful of people I actually recognise as well. so thank you for joining us today.

Sheila, Jill, Colin and I have invited you here today …as our guests ..because you have all played some part… however small… in the lives of Cara and Tom..If however you haven't …your in the wrong room. the golf society dinners. next door.

A wedding. is a time for celebration and fun, a time when friends and family gather together to see the happy couple off as they start their new life together.

But it's a time too, when our thoughts inevitably turn to those people who cannot be with us today, so.I would like all of you to raise a glass and toast….absent friends and family.

There are two ingredients to the Cara and Tom story .the Ferguson's and the Booths….and through Cara and Toms relationship…Sheila and I feel very honoured and privileged that the Ferguson and Booth families are to be joined as one.Jill and Colin you must be very proud of Tom he is a wonderful young man and Sheila and I have grown to love him like one of our own children.

As is the norm at all Ferguson Doo's we have a meeting of the Clans..you can see most of the male wedding party are wearing Kilts…quite worryingly some have enjoyed the donning of the Highland skirt more than is healthy.
Stuart actually asked me what colour tights and high heels he should wear with his kilt.

You may however have noticed my brother Iain and I are actually wearing tartan trews. this is for two reasons..one we have the skinniest legs you've ever seen..and two we still have severe bruising in the nether regions.. Caused by probing female hands.from when we last wore our kilts…although.. this unruly behaviour from the fairer sex is only to be expected as we are… without doubt…the two best looking men here.

Planning a wedding is more difficult than people expect, and fraught with danger, whilst planning the wedding breakfast Cara and Tom had a bit of an issue with the seating plan… they really couldn't decide who to put where…So as father of the bride.… I offered to step in and help work something out.after many hours of deliberation we finally decided to use.the wedding present list as an indication of the importance of the guests.. placing those who bought the biggest items. nearest to Cara and Toms table.. and work back from there…so if you can hear me at the back . thanks for the egg cup.

As Cara's dad I think it only right that I provide you with a little insight into her childhood years.

As a child Cara.or Doddy as we call her.was an absolute delight… full of fun and a pleasure to be around. .there was never a dull moment. .she's always had a great sense of humour, and is extremely perceptive.obviously takes after her mother…Sheila doesn't miss a bloody thing!

When Cara was born she wasn't what you would call a beautiful baby.she actually looked like an egg..although she has since blossomed into the true beauty we see before us here today.

A few days after she was born we proudly presented Cara to our next-door neighbours Val and John..Val being painfully truthful as usual said.… Oh my god she looks like ET..Sheila was horrified..no she does not she said most disgruntled.. just look at her lovely eyes..but she's got no hair Val said.. that will soon come through Sheila protested..and she was right..three years later ET's hair started to grow.

Now.Cara was a very strong willed child. full of character and completely fearless.. I was so pleased when she started to talk at the age of two because up until then..she screamed non-stop.day and night.. Cara was never dull and certainly not a child to cross swords with…I think they call that.. middle child syndrome.

Cara loved to treat Tom her.baby brother like a toy doll..boy did he look silly dressed up as Barbie..She was feverishly protective of her baby brother..one example of this was when the five of us were on holiday in Ibiza.we were all on the beach…Sheila was reading her book..Kate was asleep and Cara who was 5 at the time..was eating sand..Tom who was 3..was playing with his bucket and spade a few yards away from our sun beds.all of a sudden Tom let out an piercing scream…Sheila reacted in her normal way and with out even looking up from her book said.. Malc.what's he wailing about.. sort him out.I'm reading.I looked up and saw Tom sitting on his own. squashed sand castles.screaming like a banshee..whilst a small boy aged about six scuttled off up the beach with Tom's bucket and spade…bloody cheek I thought..I bet he's a German..there's a lot of them on holiday in Ibiza…anyway..with no more ado I said..Doddy be a darling and go and get Tom's bucket and spade off that little boy.ok Daddy she said..she ran after the little boy at lightening speed and soon caught up with the German thief…she bravely stepped in front of him to stop his escape…there was a tugging competition with the bucket and spade that lasted a few moments.but it wasn't long before Doddy had had enough of this standoff nonsense.. Next.to my horror and amazement she stepped away.. drew back her right arm.dragging her knuckles in the sand and wallop!! .landed one of the best right hooks I have ever seen in my life.smack bang on the boys jaw..the small juvenile Bosch crumpled in a whimpering mass onto the sand…Doddy calmly pick up Toms bucket and spade and walked back towards us…Jesus Christ where did she learn that I thought..it must have been Buck!!.I fell off my sun bed ..told Sheila to wake Kate.grab the still wailing Tom.pack up our things then we all legged it off the beach quick smart..before the Jerry's had time to retaliate.

Later whilst hiding in the hotel room. I asked Cara..why didn't you just ask him to let go. she said..I did Daddy but he spoke really funny and looked at me in a nasty way…so I hit him

So Boony you've been warned don't mess with baby Tom…or his bucket and spade.

Then came Cara's teenage years.hang on I need a drink before I start this bit…well contrary to popular belief… Cara was actually a model teenager.. I still haven't worked out what she was modelled on however.. Cara's always been very artistic…evidence of this was the inspiration she took from..Tracy Emin's unmade bed at the Tate Gallery.her own bedroom at home was uncannily similar.

She also developed a keen interest in Chemistry…at least I assumed that was the reason behind the green fungus she used to cultivate.on the numerous dirty plates and items of cutlery secreted in her bedroom.

Cara and I did however develop a kind of telepathy between us.. I acquired the ability to know exactly what Cara was just about to say next… I would say to her &quotHave you done your homework yet?&quot She would reply &quotI'm just going to&quot. Now how could I have possibly known that?
&quotHave you tidied your bedroom?&quot &quotI'm just going to&quot It never failed.

I think I've said enough embarrassing things about Cara's life at home. so I won't go into detail about.the time she set fire to the house..or wrote of my prize golf buggy…or was caught working at Starbucks when she should have been at school doing her exams..or sneaking in the bottom gate of Pantile Hall.with Louise, Susan and Hanna for secret parties…yes Cara we now all about that.Louise blabbed under questioning.
Seriously though Cara.. there are really only two qualities we as parents can ever hope to give our children…one is roots and the other is wings. .you have deep roots to our family that will never be broken and now…you have found your wings and flown the nest.. I am pretty satisfied that we did a good job.

Two things about Tom convince me that he's the right man for Cara..Beneath that macho rugby.football..golfing..lager-swilling exterior is a real softie with a heart of gold…Do you know..and he's not going to thank me for telling you this – that he romantically proposed to Cara on one knee.and before that he'd actually asked for my permission.to seek her hand in marriage.. What a star. What a romantic!. I often wonder.what would have happened if I'd said no. They'd still have got married of course. but I'd be 40 grand richer and wouldn't be standing here making this bloody speech.

Now..the second reason I knew Tom.just had to be my son-in-law is that he's the only person I know who can program my TV.DVD and set up SKY plus..so in-fact..I'm not losing a daughter..I'm gaining an audio visual genius.

I recently asked Tom what he was looking for in marriage… he said love. happiness and eventually, perhaps, if all goes well…a pool table!
I asked Cara the same question and she said she would like a coffee percolator.. she actually said a perky copulator, but I knew what she meant.

I started writing this speech about a month ago and I expect some of you feel I've been delivering it for just as long..the thing is you see.this is the longest I've ever been able to speak with out Sheila telling me to shut up.although I can see she's eyeing up the knife in front of her so I think it is time for me to sit down.

So… ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and make sure your glasses are fully charged.

Cara and Tom, there is no challenge in a marriage that cannot be overcome by the following three. three word sentences: .I was wrong.. You were right.. I love you.

Here's to the past for all that it taught you Here's to the present for all that you share And here's to the future for all that you can look forward together.
Ladies &amp gentlemen please raise your glasses.

The toast is.Cara &amp Tom the Bride and Groom