Speech by Neil Stevenson

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Neil Stevenson
Speech Date: Jul 2009
I would like to point out my lovely wife Linda, without whom this speech would be littered with inappropriate comments, profanities and oil-rig humour…I think she looks outstanding today, I love her dearly.
Let me start by saying, what a real pleasure it is to join Mike and Celia, our collective families, and all our friends, in celebrating Laura and Morgan””s special day.
It really is lovely to see so many familiar faces here today and some obviously not so familiar. We know you have made a really big effort to be here today……people from Taiwan, Wales, Houston, London, Kent, Aberdeen, Gloucester, Balloch, Manchester, Bristol…… we””re delighted to see you all. For anyone who hasn””t been to this area of Scotland before and you””re staying for a few days, I really do hope you take the opportunity to have a look around and enjoy this beautiful part of the world. Most of Linda””s family is from this area and with the help of David and Alice….and it””s great to see you both..… Linda and I have explored a good deal of this area with Lindsay and Laura… it””s simply spectacular…..watch out for the midges though, the little blighters carry chainsaws here in Scotland.
There are a number of people who couldn””t be here today, absent friends and family members who I””m sure are keeping an eye open on proceedings from wherever they are….and hopefully have put in a good word for the weather. Laura has also asked me to make a special mention for the Bunny.Ruby Whiskers Rose and of course our little dog Mac..I””m sure they””ll be celebrating in their own way.
Laura you look so very beautiful, you make Mum and I so very proud today. …oh, and you look kind of okay as well Morgan – I don””t want people to think I am showing favouritism…….and I am so pleased to see you are out of the dress and green sunglasses from that recent photograph. I also hear after a recent visit to the sunbed you have nice rosy cheeks, although as you are fully dressed and sitting down, we have to take Laura””s word for that.
Right………
I””ve known for a while now that I would be required to spend a few hours talking today. I thought I””d better take some time to prepare. I have taken advice from friends, family, colleagues and the Internet on how the speech should be structured and how it should be delivered……..the best advice I received was from a colleague at work who warned me that if the laughter seemed more animated than it should, and the applause was especially rapturous, your flies may be undone!!!……and I just know where you are looking right now!!!
But after all that preparation, sleepless afternoons in the office, the research, practicing in front of the mirror in Houston….now that I””m standing here before you, I feel like an Arab sheik who walks into his harem for the very first time………he knows what he””s got to do he””s just not quite sure where he””s going to start.
However……….let””s have a try
Laura
Okay..let””s talk about Laura for a moment.the blushing bride. Morgan, listen very carefully.
Laura struggled into the world 16th November 1983…..caused Linda and I quite a worry for a few minutes initially, she was very late taking her first breath of air……for Linda and I, the longest moments of our lives.
I remember shortly after Laura was pronounced okay, the midwife wrapped her in a blanket held her up to me and said ””She looks just like you Mr Stevenson….she””s got a big smile and a funny nose. Then she realized her mistake, and turned Laura the right way round!..…
She was such a lovely little baby…..she had lovely chubby little cheeks, a gorgeous smile….such a little cutey.
The years crept by and she would play House of Elliott with Lindsay….… pretending to answer the telephone to take orders for clothes…good training for Boardman Bros and………..it prepared us for some monstrous phone bills later on. As she got older, the music got louder…the bedroom got pinker and the mobile phone bills got more expensive. But Laura continued to light up our life ..she would never switch off the damn lights..the helicopters returning from offshore would use our house as a marker for the approach to Aberdeen airport.
We lost the lovely cute little Laura at around 13 years of age…she was replaced by a thing with horns. Bryan Adams got even bloody louder..the Spice Girls and `Girl Power` became part of the morning ritual.the showers got longer and we had to upgrade the hair-drier to an industrial version. Her bedroom resembled Beirut at times..and Domestos struggled to kill 99% of all known germs when Laura finally decided to start clearing it up.
Laura introduced Linda and I to some endearing and lovable characters…Ian Williams..a great guy..tragically taken from us.. to this day very sadly missed…..fantastic to see his twin brother Gary here today. And Gemma…an especially lovely and talkative girl and a marvellous friend to Laura. Gemma, it””s lovely to see you today. And let””s not forget The Boys….somewhere near the back and poised to take advantage of the Scottish hospitality at the bar!!!! Cheers guys.
While preparing this speech for Laura I needed some inspiration, so decided to look at a few old photographs of the kids when they were younger…….I came across some beauties, tears welled up in my eyes as I clicked through the pages on the computer, one picture that stood out from the others was the striking photograph of our precious little girl lying on a rug, in front of the fire, dribbling, gurgling, huge eyes, and pointing playfully at the camera lens. What a treasure she looked as she tried to stand on her little wobbly legs…we””ll never forget her 18th birthday.
What a sense of humour as well……..she is wacky, so very funny and always ready for a laugh…`Hi Guys` will always be her catchphrase ……….as she burst through our bedroom door at 2 in the morning telling us she was home after a few vinos with the girls. Her uncanny ability to impersonate television characters has kept us amused for many a family holiday…..and I””m sure after a few of those vinos today she””ll demonstrate them all.
And so to University…… Linda and I will never forget leaving Laura alone in Manchester for the very first time….she was only 17 …..the journey into University life was about to begin and our little girl was on her own. It was a hard thing to do to wave her goodbye…..one of the most difficult moments of my life.
The house back in Aberdeen was especially quiet with both of the girls gone….however, there were advantages, Linda managed to retain her make-up for longer than two days, I had a full sock drawer on a more regular basis and the house started to recover from the many years of damage caused by St Tropez fake tan.
But look at her today….she looks simple………sorry, simply stunning. She””s happy, she””s proud and she””s our beautiful little girl.
Morgan
I remember I was `tipped a wink` that Morgan would be phoning me at some point to ask me a question……what could it be…..how much did I owe him…did I need to buy a shotgun.
I was working in Melbourne at the time and was walking along the river one warm evening when my mobile phone rang. It was Morgan……what happened next really choked me……initially I thought it was a fish bone stuck in my throat.… he had already asked Linda for her permission and Morgan was asking me for our daughters hand in marriage…..I told him he could have the rest of her as well………..truthfully, I thought I was prepared for the question….in reality, I wasn””t…… and I””ll admit today that I suddenly felt a good bit older, more than a bit emotional and instantly more aware of how much money I had in the bank. Here was this guy asking if he could marry Laura…….and to become part of the Stevenson family….was he nuts. In all honesty Morgan, I was seriously impressed with that call. After some thinking time to compose my answer and to consider the implications, as any caring father should.I asked him if his intentions towards my daughter were honourable or dishonourable. .Morgan seemed quite surprised by this.. as he didn””t realise he had a choice.
When his daughters are young children, any Father will sit and contemplate the image of the man his daughter will marry. With 2 girls, I””ve done an awful lot of contemplating. Will he be handsome, will he be kind, will he be intelligent….more importantly will his father own a brewery. Then when the time comes, the daughter surprises the Father, by finding a husband with all of these attributes and more….unfortunately except the brewery!!!!! I””m a very contented, a very proud father today, as I see Laura looking so happy……..and Morgan looking more than a little cocky about it all.
Morgan it is a huge honour and a real pleasure to officially welcome you into our family.
Marriage Advice
I thought I””d spend just a few moments giving Morgan some fatherly advice on the finer points of a successful marriage……..and I look sideways at Linda….she may throw things at me.
? Never go to bed angry. Always stay up and fight.
? The most effective way to remember Laura””s birthday is to forget it once.
? Laura will always have the last word in any argument – any words spoken afterwards by you is, by default, the start of the next argument!
? Put the seat down after you
? If you should have a disagreement with Laura, the easiest way out is to say, &quotI am wrong, you are right-and I love you.&quot-It””s never worth arguing, the odds are too stacked against the husband The end Finally…..I am reminded of what Billy Connelly said of Marriage: &quotMarriage is a wonderful invention, but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.&quot
All joking aside, I””d like to ask you to join me in wishing Laura and Morgan all the very best wishes, a very long and happy married life together………Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to Mr and Mrs Laura and Morgan Davies.
Ladies and gentlemen…thank you.