Speech by Nick Gabb

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Nick Gabb
Speech Date: Jul2007
Quiet Please! I've paid good money for you to sit quietly whils't I bore you with my speech.

First of all may I say how pleased I am to be here since T thought the house would be quarantined in the past few days due to frequent outbreaks of mad cow disease!

I regret I must now refer to the notes as it proved difficult to learn the speech in the pub.

Dear Mr Gabb. With regard to our outstanding invoice…..…
Oops! Wrong page.

Ladies, Gentlemen and those that fit neither category. You know who you are! It gives me great pleasure to welcome you here today to celebrate the marriage of my daughter Marysia to Nathan. I expect you can see the sincerity in my eyes , since making this speech means it is only a matter of hours until life can, hopefully, once again return to normal.

Luckily now it's nearly over I was able to rescue my credit card from my wife. I was walking past her handbag last night when I heard a small pleading voice crying “Help me! Help me!” in style of the Fly movie I also wish to especially welcome Nathan's parents Jan and Warwick and thank them for providing today's groom without whom none of this would have been possible!

Looking round some of the faces here today, at least we can take pleasure in the knowledge that for today at least we have helped make Amersham is a safer place.

It seems like such a short time ago Krystyna and I were sitting at home worrying about Marysia's future. There she was fast approaching her mid twenties without a suitor in sight. With her destiny apparently set, we sat perplexed, should we get her the knitting course or home lace making kit for her ensuing birthday.

Then just as the despair was setting in and the second bottle of wine was finishing:

Part sung

Up jumped a young buck
And popped her in his tucker bag
Crying you'll come to Oz Marysia with me

When I first heard about Nathan, I was concerned like most fathers. I had heard he was an Aussie. Were his intentions honourable, or was he just here to steal our cricket secrets. But he soon allayed my fears when in the time honoured fashion he asked for Marysia's hand and he wasn't even the slightest bit concerned that she hadn't got her own flock of sheep.
Looking at Marysia so beautiful and radiant today makes my chest swell with pride, unfortunately, my belly seems to have followed in sympathy.
Normally, the father of the bride recounts a few embarrassing moments from the bride's misspent youth, Regrettably, despite racking my brain, I can't remember any. Obviously, a perfect child just like her father was!
However, as I wander back to her childhood a couple of amusing memories come to mind.

In her tender years Marysia was sat in the back of her aunt's car fascinated by a portable radio. On asking why it didn't work She was told that the batteries had run out. Marysia, mystified by the answer as she gazed into the back exclaimed “No they haven't, they're still here”
I still have visions of little batteries with hands and legs running down the street.

Another time,while Marysia was still very young, Krystyna stood a nearly empty make up bottle upside down on her dressing table to get the last drops out.

This obviously fascinated Marysia. Because, when we returned to our bedroom a few hours later. We discovered every single bottle had been carefully stood in it's place, upside down.

Marysia has been rearranging our furniture ever since.

Unfortunately, there is one sad note. There are two people missing today both of whom would have been extremely proud to watch their beautiful granddaughter walk down the aisle. My mother, Evelyn who is unable to attend due to her apparent keenness in low level skydiving she feel over several times recently and my father who passed away a few years back. But , looking at the weather, I'm sure he's here in spirit.… or was that Ernie's ghostly gold tops a rattling in their crate.

After the honeymoon Marysia &amp Nathan are returning to Oz to live and she will of course be missed by her mother who will probably burst into tears every time Neighbours comes on. I will of course miss her. For instance: How will I ever know that I'm eating totally the wrong food, or that the TV is too loud. How will I cope not realising I'm totally out of order when I think I'm behaving normally.

Edward will also miss her being there to protect him from his mother's wrath.

Ania probably won't notice for a few weeks since she only ever communicates with people by MSN &amp texts.

The dustmen won't miss Marysia &amp Nathan, currently our front garden resembles the local council glass recycling centre. My few odd sauce jars have been swamped by enough wine bottles to hold the entire EU wine lake.
Finally it is apparently traditional to give a few words of advice to the newlyweds and after over 30 years of married bliss! I feel more than qualified to assist.

There's no point saying anything to Marysia. Like most women she will totally ignore any advice from a man. So I'll address my advice to Nathan.
They say the first 55 years are the worst, after that you're walking on air…… Instead of the usual thin ice

For women marriage is it's just like riding a bike. They NEVER forget. ….anything And Nathan, if times are getting a little hard just remember. Married men go straight to heaven ……………… They are made to atone for ALL their sins down here.

And now in accordance with tradition, may I ask you all to be upstanding for a toast. I give you Nathan &amp Marysia, Mr &amp Mrs Kitt