Speech by Paul Lambert

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Paul Lambert
Speech Date: Mar2006
I have some bad news – after writing and re-writing, editing and re-editing, the very shortest I could make this speech is one hour and sixteen minutes. But don't worry, I'm not going to do the whole thing right now … instead, here are the worst five minutes. If anyone would like to see the full text I'll be publishing it on the web.

I don't know how many of you know this but Neil and Nicola have had a bit of a problem, a couple of months ago they decided to look for a new house. Without going in to too much detail the house fell through and they were going to lose the couple that were going to buy their house. To make sure that this didn't happen Yvonne suggested they move into our spare bedroom whilst looking for another house. Since they moved in we've been introduced to the delights of MTV. Such as ‘Cribs’ a programme about famous people's homes and ‘Pimp my Ride’ a programme about adding “bling” to your car. Luckily they have found a new house that they should be moving into in the new year, if I appear to get a bit emotional whilst I'm making this speech it's that they just told me when they hope to move out!

I know they say meeting the parents for the first time is a stressful moment, but kids never think how stressful it can be for their parents meeting one another for the first time. But I have to say that when I met Susan and William it was just like meeting old friends I had not seen for a while, even down to getting them to buy all the drinks.

Yvonne and myself have always been proud of Nicola. She's the best daughter in the world – she is beautiful, charming, intelligent and, well, perfect in every way. She does everything for me – she even wrote this speech.

I also have to say that I think Nicola is looking fabulous today and has looked in every way the perfect bride. She does however have her blond moments and over the last 26 years there have been quiet a few.
One of my favourite Nicola moments is when Nicola and Claire were younger we used to follow the Whitley Warriors ice-hockey team. We were watching a game when the opposing net-minder made an absolutely stunning save and I said, “That net minder has the luck of the Irish”. Upon hearing this Nicola said, “But the Irish aren't lucky dad they're always getting blow up”. So I said, “it's just a saying”. Not to be deterred from her line of thought however she said, “Is that why the Irish are always getting blown up, because everybody else has their luck?” The conversation then moved from the sublime to the ridiculous when Nicola said, “Ah now I get it the keeper last week was really lucky because he was Scottish but he must have had the luck of the Irish”.

Another Nicola moment from when she was very young is the day I took them to work with me and as we walked past the fruit and veg counter she spotted some peaches. Never having seen peaches before but having a great imagination she said, “Look Dad hairy apples”.

Don't think I've forgotten you Neil. As a matter of fact not knowing an awful lot about your past, I made enquiries – at your local police station. I thought that would be a good place to start digging for dirt about my future son in-law. But they had nothing to say… except that you were the perfect guest whenever you stayed over.

I take a lot of pleasure in welcoming Neil into our family but I can't mention Neil without mentioning Thomas, Neil's son. I had forgotten how interesting children could be until I met Thomas, we've spent a bit of time together and one time in particular comes to mind. I had offered to look after Thomas for Neil and had decided to take him down to Blyth beach. We got into the car park and had no sooner gotten out of the car and I swear Thomas was wet from head to foot. By the time we left, and the only way I could get him to leave was by buying an ice-cream, he had manage to lose both Wellington's, drop my hat in the sea, get ice cream on my rear view mirror and get us chased by a dog.

When you have children especially girls they are a constant source of worry, you worry about them when they are little babies, even going as far as poking them when they're asleep and then regretting it for the next couple of hours when you can't get them back to sleep. As they get older you worry about how they're doing at school, have they got any friends are they good students. Then they discover boys and then you really start to worry because you remember what it was like when you discovered girls. Then they get a bit independent and think they know everything and don't need your help or advice. Then they move out whether it's to go to University or to live on their own, you worry if they're safe have they got enough money will they survive just eating Pizza and drinking beer. Then finally they tell you that they want to get married and you have another set of things to worry about, are they happy, have they made the right decision, where will they live, who do they invite to the wedding, who do you invite to the wedding, the seating plan, the dresses, the suits, my speech, the favours for the tables, the food, the drink, the flowers etc.

So just for the guys in the room who have daughters I have a bit of advice for you, make sure that your at work or playing golf or digging a hole in the garden when your wife and daughters are planning anything, because it doesn't matter what you do or say it's never quite the right thing or your not being very supportive.

After watching Nicola and Neil over the past couple of years I don't worry too much about them, they love and care for each other and I think it's nice that we have someone else to share the worry of Nicola with.

Well thank you very much for listening to my ramblings and I would just like to finish with this little poem that I found:

Here's to the bride that was married today,
Here's to the groom she wed,
May all their troubles be light as bubbles
Or the feathers that make up their bed!
To keep a marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
When you are wrong, admit it,
And when you are right, shut up! Toast!