Speech by Pete

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Pete
Speech Date: aug 2001
Rev. Bell, Ladies & Gentlemen, Family & Friends, on behalf of my wife & myself welcome to our family occasion, and a special welcome to our other guests who have traveled from near & far.

It's really great to see you all here, and in such an assortment of tartan that it feels like a tin of shortbread…………… as usual I'll have the thicker bits & you younger lads can go for the petticoat tails…………

First of all, I'd like to apologize in advance for any misdemeanors that may happen tonight, not that I've said or done anything wrong yet, but that apology at least gives me some scope……

and can I say that it's a great pleasure to take advantage of this unique occasion and at last have the opporchancity to get a word in edgeways after twenty-odd years living in a house full of women. . . . .

I think we have a great night in store; the Portlands has done us proud here today, our thanks to Mark & his excellent staff. Furthermore, Kate & Richard and Davy are playing later, so you can have a dram and a dance and sort out your insurance policies too.

[band leader is an IFA]

During the last few weeks I've had the odd moment or two to reflect on how we have arrived at this wonderful day. Its been my observation over the years that no-one journeys thru life without picking up some degree of liability, and I for one am no exception to that rule. . . . . . even although I have strenuously attempted to pay for nothing.

I owe a debt of gratitude to many people, not least, everyone here today.

Indeed, I have been accused by a certain look-alike individual of being parsimonious, I told him at the time that I thought that I didn't look at all like a minister. [ i have a twin brother who jokingly accused me of being tight ]

And on that note I'd like to thank Rev. Grant Bell for conducting the wedding ceremony, and also his boss for the fine weather we had for the photographs today.

I've also observed that few people manage to accomplish very much on their own, and I am extremely grateful to have had wonderful support & assistance in my endeavors. On behalf of Jill & Shona and of course myself, our thanks to Sheena for her organizing ability and administrative skills thru the weeks, the months & the years, culminating in today's celebration.

By the way, Sheena says she always knows when I'm telling lies – she says my lips are moving .…

And also thanks to Sheenas mother, also called Sheena (which will confuse some of our guests today), who has been a constant source of support over the years. Sheena has been providing common sense advice & assistance, child-minding and educational facilities to us all.

I sincerely hope that Andrew gets as good a mother-in-law as Sheena has been to me. I'm working on it Andrew, I have her in training……….…

I'd like to mention how proud we are of Jill, our eldest daughter, who is a unique character, with her own way of doing things and achieving her personal goals. She has always been a very sociable & entertaining individual, even from an early age. She always tries her best to accomplish the tasks set out for her. She once made dinner for Andrew, but unfortunately the cat got it first. She was quite upset, but Andrew told her that they could easily get another cat…..…

So it's a big Congratulations to Andrew on landing such an entertaining catch – I'm sure life wont be dull in the future.

We have confidence in the couples future together – we have observed them and they are well matched and work together as a team – one thinks of something, the other corrects it, and its off they go. Andrew is a very likeable & easy going lad, and he's developed a large degree of patience thru knowing Jill. He's also very practical and I think that he will make a good husband to Jill, as he already has experience tending animals…… [ Andrew has a herd of cattle ]

Now Andrew and Jill, this is another undertaking for you, and I'd like to pass on to you some tips, also known as the this idiots guide:

Over the years I can confidently state that I've learnt absolutely nothing about the condition known as marriage – apart from when to keep my mouth shut & when to keep my ears open. Andrew, if you want a really quiet & easy life its best to keep your ears shut as well.
Then there are the very important 3 little words you need to remember – “You're right dear” – and then go and do what you were planning to anyway.
Go easy on buying flowers – it automatically makes you guilty of something even if you have done nothing wrong.
Persistence & patience – you'll need those Andrew, because she's never been known to be early. In fact, we once set off to Inverness without her because she wasn't ready at the said time. She didn't speak to us for about a week – the silence was a wonderful luxury;
Tolerance & forbearance – Forgiveness & understanding – you'll both need these in bucketloads. Everybody can make a mistake or a misjudgment – don't be too quick to judge, remember if you think you're 50% right then you'll also be 50% wrong – I can speak with some experience and authority on this having been constantly and consistently wrong again over the years;
Never apologize – unless there's a pound to be made on the heads of it;
Always forgive – especially if there's a pound to be made on the heads of it;
Never carry an argument into the next sentence – it's a waste of breath, life's too short and its far easier to be agreeable;
Laugh a lot – cultivate some humour – it makes life a lot more lightsome and easier to accept its inevitable ups & downs, and there'll be a few of those in any case.
And always remember about the reason we're here today, the love & friendship and faith in the future that's brings us all together.
So I am sure that you would all want to join me in wishing Mr. Andrew & Mrs. Jill Thain our best wishes for the future, may the road you choose be smooth and may your burdens be light .. . . . … .., may you both have glowing good health, absolutely outrageous good fortune & happiness, … … . . and a long, fruitful and enjoyable life together.

LADIES & GENTLEMEN – THE BRIDE & GROOM