Speech by Peter Hambleton

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Peter Hambleton
Speech Date: Dec2004
Wedding Speech (Ellie)

Distinguished Guests, those of dubious distinction, family, relatives, in-laws and outlaws, young and old, friends, friends of friends, freeloaders and hangers-on; on behalf of Joan and myself a warm welcome to you all and a big thank you for coming here today to help us celebrate this joyous occasion of Ellie and Mark's wedding.

I want to also thank some of those who have helped with the arrangements for today, in particular Sarah and her team here at the White Hart, Janet, who made this splendid cake and Helen, who is creating the photographic record and, of course, the registrar without whom nothing would be legal. Also I must mention all those assistants at various ladies’ fashion outlets who, over the past few months, have patiently brought out numerous outfits for the Bride's Mum's consideration and whose camouflaged thumbs-up signs helped me make the right decisions.

At this point I want briefly to mention two important people who can't be with us today, Ellie's uncles, Roger and Graham, who, had they still been alive would have treasured this occasion as much as Joan and I.

Although I have given many lectures and talks over the years this little speech has caused me some worries as I'm not able to use my usual props of computers and Powerpoint presentations. (For your amusement, however, I have made a continuous loop presentation of some of my favourite pictures of Ellie over the years and I will leave this running on a laptop over there, please enjoy this later at your leisure). Incidentally, for anyone interested, thanks to my other darling daughter, Ruth, there will be a repeat of key elements of this speech in 15 days time somewhere in the north of England.

Ellen ……….… was born on 29th May 1973 at Odstock Hospital. She very nearly was born in the car stack on New Street, not a stone's throw from where we are today, as she began her journey into the world when Joan and I were stuck at the back end of a Bank Holiday traffic queue on the top deck. Fortunately she showed her amazing talent to put off important things for a while and we made it to the hospital in time. Her arrival at home some days later was full of portents; within seconds of her being shown off to doting friends and relatives there was huge crash as one of several Willow tree stumps we had in our garden fell into the River Bourne, much to the surprise of the ducks nesting in it at the time, seconds later panic broke out as a Blackbird flew into the lounge and proceeded to fly into and crap on all the windows and babies present; that kind of set the scene for the next 31 years.

Ellie, has always been fun to be with. She has a wicked sense of humour, a sharp wit and, a sharp tongue to go with it (can't think where she gets that from). She is very observant of people and places; as a toddler she was infuriatingly slow when going for walks, mainly because she was always finding interesting things on the ground that had to be picked up and taken home; possibly the first indications of her fascination with her chosen field of archaeology. When orienteering she was always far more interested in the deer, rabbits, squirrels etc. etc. than finding controls. I suspect she really wanted to collect their skeletons. She also, I recall, was always intent on finding out how things worked by taking them apart and putting them back together, leaving a small pile of apparently totally unnecessary items to one side. This fascination with the way things work is still apparent today; currently in matters of plumbing. So good is she at this that I can recommend her to any of you here today with leaky pipes. Ellie has always been her own person and chosen her own way in life. She has worked hard and diligently to achieve her career ambitions, at school, at University (gaining First class Hons. at Sheffield and her PhD at Durham) and now shows the same commitment to her job as a lecturer at Bournemouth University. She did this all for herself but in doing so has made her parents extremely proud.

Every Father hopes his daughter(s) will find a smart, reliable, sensible, considerate and perhaps a bit better than average bloke with whom to settle down. Rather like a puppy, Ellie would, from time to time, bring home boyfriends to show off, all of whom were nice guys and interesting to be with, but from all these she has chosen Mark, who, I have to say is the most gadgetastic of them all. I never need to take any DIY tools down to Ellie and Mark's flat – he's got the lot. Seriously, Joan and I love Mark to bits and are delighted to welcome him into our family and to share the mutual family expansion with his wonderful parents, Val and Mike; also Steve and Manthy. Joan and I have little or no fears for Ellie and Mark in their life together as we have watched them share their problems and find solutions together; they are, clearly, very special to one another, have loads of common interests and, most importantly, find lots to laugh at in life – a very good start in my book.

It is my responsibility at this time, as Father of the Bride, to offer up some erudite thoughts and advice to the young couple. I can do this based on my own 38 years experience of what I believe, what I am told, is a successful marriage.
Firstly, to Ellie;
If you want something from Mark, you must ask for it. Remember, Mark is a bloke, hints just don't work.
Also, you will find in your marriage that you will make all the minor decisions whilst Mark makes all the major decisions –
Mark;
You will find out that from here on in all decisions will be minor ones.

Also, Mark remember that Marriage will bring you many things, loyalty, obedience and a host of other virtues you would not have needed if you had stayed single.

You may also benefit from understanding the true meaning of some wifely conversation pieces;
•For example: when Ellie says ‘this kitchen is so inconvenient’ she really means ‘I want a new house’;
‘You're so manly’ really means ‘you need a shave and you sweat a lot’.
‘I'm not upset’ really means ‘Of course I'm upset, you moron’
‘Yes’, really means ‘No’; ‘No’ really means ‘No’; ‘maybe’ really means ‘No’

Ellie and Mark, here's some more serious advice to you both in your new life together, just try to keep four things in mind; The first is love, then friendship, tolerance and communication; easy things to say, not always easy to put into practice. In truth, there is no secret to a happy marriage; you both just have to work hard at it, from here on in.

I have one last happy task which is to ask you all, family and friends, to raise your glasses and join me in wishing our Bride and Groom, Ellie and Mark, a long and happy marriage.
The Toast is, Ellie & Mark, the Bride & Groom.
_________________________________________________________________________

Wedding Speech (Ruth)

Distinguished Guests, those of dubious distinction, family, relatives, in-laws and outlaws, young and old, friends, friends of friends, freeloaders and hangers-on; on behalf of Joan and myself and also Kate and Pete, a warm welcome to you all and a big thank you for coming here today to join us in celebrating this joyous occasion of Ruth and Liam's wedding. .
It's also a pleasure to welcome the new Mr and Mrs Mark ….., without whose wedding 15 days ago I would not have had to write a new speech. At least those of you that have heard some this before will know where to clap, laugh or whistle. I would also like to thank the Meteorological Office for the fine weather (but have decided that would now be inappropriate).
I want to also thank some of those who have helped with the arrangements for today, in particular Sarah and her team here at Brookfield manor in this lovely village of Hathersage. Also, thanks to Janet, who made this splendid cake; and to Helen, who is creating the photographic record. Also, I should mention all those assistants at numerous ladies’ fashion outlets who, over the past few months, have patiently brought out numerous outfits for the Bride's Mum's consideration and whose camouflaged thumbs-up signs helped me make the right decisions.

At this point I want briefly to mention two important people who can't be with us today, Ruth's uncles, Roger and Graham, who, had they still been alive would have treasured this occasion as much as Joan and I.

Although I have given many lectures and talks over the years this little speech has caused me some worries. As this place is used as a management course centre I was tempted to give a computer slide presentation at this point with my favourite pictures of Ruth but we couldn't fit the projector into the cake; so I shall stick to words alone. (For your amusement, however, I have made a computer presentation of some of my favourite pictures of Ruth over the years and I will leave this running on a laptop over there, please enjoy this later at your leisure).

Ruth …..… was born at Odstock Hospital, Salisbury on 4th March, 1972. Unfortunately, because of her usual apparent angst over making important decisions, her appearance was somewhat delayed and, having been sent home for the night by the nursing staff, I missed the excitement of welcoming our firstborn into the world. I do remember the thrill and pride, next day, of seeing Ruth for the first time and thinking how beautiful she was; something that is totally reinforced today.
Although I missed out on Ruth's first appearance, she more than made up for this missed bonding opportunity later when she developed a prolonged liking for waking up in the middle of the night and playing with all her toys, whilst Daddy tried to stay interested and awake, not always with success.

Ruth has always some distinctive traits; she is, how can I put this, careful with money; as an impecunious student she once complained to me that she was down to her last £3k in the building society.

She is also skilled at winding up her family; Ellie was the usual butt of this but I do recall that when Ruth was learning to read she would repeatedly read one phrase ‘Red & Green Parrot’ as Red and Green Carrot; Joan and I patiently corrected her for some days before realising we were being set up.

Ruth has always loved learning and at school was something of a delight to her teachers, always working hard and seeking to do more. During her formative school years she developed and honed her liking for making lists, usually in tiny writing that no-one else could read; you may have noticed this continuing trait in the micro-invitations you received for this wedding and over which Ruth pondered for days.

All Ruth's hard study resulted in a string of O-levels (yes, she is that old!), A-levels, a first at Oxford and finally a PhD at Sheffield. It's typical of Ruth that her PhD supervisors commented to Joan and I how nice life would be if all their other students were like Ruth and managed to produce such good theses, on time and to budget; it's hard not to be proud parents at times like that. Ruth's academic achievements are one thing, we are really proud and admiring of the determination Ruth has shown in recovering from her stroke last year.

Ruth has always enjoyed physical exercise. She loved walking from the day she first managed to do that on her own and, as a youngster, was always capable of a long hike under her own steam. When we started orienteering as a family she seemed to find a sporting outlet for her competitive spirit and a love of running that has lasted. In some ways Ruth's love of outdoor sports came as a bit of a surprise; I thought she only did it to earn pocket money. Her many adventurous exploits included taking part in the Wye Valley raft race; crewing on the Tall Ship, Lord Nelson reaching the dizzy heights not only of the top of the mast but the rank of Bosun's Mate. She also reached the dizzy depths of the Zambesi river gorge on a bungee jump. I remember once complaining to a friend that it was hard work keeping up with Ruth's tales of running, climbing, orienteering, hiking and so on. He said, I can't think why you say that, you've done all those things, yes I said, but not all at the same time. I have to say that I was really proud of Ruth when she was first asked to Orienteer for Wales in the Home Internationals. I was even prouder when, the next day, she was asked to run for England and she turned them down – that's my girl.

Despite her academic achievements Ruth preferred to use her talents in an applied field rather than in academe and so chose a job in the Steel Industry, through which, of course, she met Liam. Now every Father hopes his daughter(s) will find a smart, reliable, sensible, considerate and perhaps a bit better than average bloke with whom to settle down. Joan and I both agree that Ruth would have been hard pushed to find a better matched partner than Liam. He's intelligent, good looking, hard working and does the Guardian Crossword, although he does need to learn the importance of allowing his new Mother-in-Law first bite of that particular cherry. What else is there about Liam, well he likes running and orienteering, indeed he likes most sports, although he doesn't always follow successful teams, being a Leeds United supporter. He also has two distinctive senses – he, allegedly, can identify stainless steel alloys by their smell and is totally tone deaf. I think I can afford to poke fun a little at Liam because Joan and I are both so pleased and proud to have him as a son-in-law and to welcome him into our rapidly expanding family along with Charlotte, of course, and Kate and Pete, Dan and Kieron

Joan and I both think that Liam and Ruth make a good partnership. They have a really good line in domestic bickering but are both extremely considerate of one another and usually end up in agreement. Liam also gained our love and respect through his care and support for Ruth at the time of her serious illness not all that many months ago.

It is my responsibility at this time, as Father of the Bride, to offer the newly-weds some erudite thoughts and advice. I can do this based on my own 38 years experience of what I believe, what I am told, is a successful marriage.
Firstly, to Ruthie;
If you want something from Liam, you must ask for it. Remember, Liam is a bloke, hints just don't work.

To Liam, some advice on how to understanding the true meaning of some likely conversation pieces.
When Ruth says: “I want” she REALLY MEANS “I want”, and when she says
“We really need” she REALLY MEANS “I want” ,
she might even say
“It's your decision” but what she REALLY MEANS is “The correct decision should be obvious by now”.
“Do what you want” REALLY MEANS “You'll pay for this later”.
“We need to talk” REALLY MEANS “I need to complain”
She might say “You have to learn to communicate” but what she REALLY MEANS is “Look, Just agree with me”.
I'm not yelling”! REALLY MEANS “I am yelling because I think this is important”.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

“I heard a noise” REALLY MEANS “I noticed you were almost asleep”.
“Was that Charlotte”? REALLY MEANS “Why don't you get out of bed and read to her until she goes to sleep”.

I'll be ready in a minute”. REALLY MEANS “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV”.

And finally remember that; All we're going to buy is a soap dish” REALLY MEANS “It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, and those blue sheets would look great in the bedroom – Did you bring your credit card”?

Ruth and Liam, here's some proper advice to you both in your new life together, just keep four things in mind; the first is love, then friendship, tolerance and communication; easy things to say, not always easy to put into practice. In truth, there is no secret to a happy marriage; you both just have to work hard at it, from here on in
I have one last happy task which is to ask you all, family and friends, to raise your glasses and join me in wishing our Bride and Groom, Ruth and Liam, a long and happy marriage.