Speech by Richard Archer

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Richard Archer
Speech Date: 05/12/2011 20:39:30

Good evening everyone. ….  So… they've finally done it!  I'm sure I am not alone in saying “About time too”… and not just about Laura….  Like Sue and I, you must have wondered why someone as gregarious, generous and gorgeous as Laura hadn't got married years ago.  Well there is a reason.  Traditionally, all my speeches are filled with terrible puns and sexual innuendo, and it turned out Laura was completely paralysed by the thought of what I might say at her wedding.  Having found this out recently, she therefore agreed with me that she would get married as soon as possible, provided that she, and Sue, would get to see and edit the speech text in advance.  So, true to her word, here we are today,… here is the officially approved speech… but, I'm pleased to say, this is the one I'll actually be using…

First of all, can Sue and I add our welcome to you all on this great occasion.  In particular, we greet Rob and the wider Woodward family – you are very welcome to our family and, as you'll see, there one or two of them that you would be particularly welcome to… 

Welcome also to other relatives and friends from near and far – thank you for coming and giving us the chance to put faces to famous names.

I should at this point also pause to reflect on those who are unable to be with us today, and most particularly those who are no longer with us.  Please stay seated,… but join me in a toast to absent friends.    “Absent Friends”.

At this point I would like to thank everyone who has played their part in making this a very special day.  Most particularly I must, on everyone's behalf, thank Sue for her outstanding efforts in making every detail, large, small and very small, work out so perfectly today,… so “Thank you dear!”  For the past six months, our house has looked and felt like a cross between preparing for the Normandy Landings and the Blue Peter production office.  I know I'll be really sorry to see the back of the embroidery threads, the paper, the cardboard, the ivy, the fairy lights, the box trees and, of course, the sticky-backed plastic.

I should also say thank you to Laura Wright, whose singing added something very, very special to today's ceremony.  In case you wondered, Laura is the granddaughter of a friend and won the 2005 BBC Young Chorister of the Year before joining All Angels.  She is now at the Royal College of Music.  Until recently, it was not at all certain she would be available for today, depending on what else Universal Records had planned for her. 

A few weeks back Sue commented to John that she hoped we would be able to get Laura Wright for the wedding.  Apparently the look on John's face was a picture as he wondered what was wrong with his Laura.  To John, I just say, “Welcome to the mysterious world of ambiguous messages from your mother-in-law”.

I hope that you have enjoyed the meal.  The choice of wine proved to be a particular challenge.  As you know, we are in the finest vineyard in Cambridgeshire, although to be fair…  In the end, though, we decided to go for the even more exclusive “Football Wines of the West Midlands”, in deference to John's origins and interests.  Among those that we considered were Cava'ntry City, The Blues Nun and, of course, the world-famous West Bromwich Sauvignon.  In the end, though, we settled for Wolves Blass and, of course, John's favourite of Aston Villa Maria.  Anyway, I hope they've both scored today and noone is as sick as a parrot.

When the engagement was announced, everyone told me I should watch the video of “Father of the Bride”.  I'm not a great fan of Steve Martin normally, but until I watched it, I hadn't realised that it was actually a self-help guide.  Lately, I have been very glad of Steve's advice.

Seriously though, it's been a great honour, pleasure and privilege to give Laura away today.  Sue and I are very proud parents and I need hardly say she looks absolutely stunning, and yet is still as cute as she ever was.  Mind you we think John is pretty cute too!

It's now time for a quick whizz through Laura's life so far.  But first, you may have noticed that the tables are named after famous cars in the history of the Woodward and Archer families.  In case you were wondering who, yes – my first car was a Reliant three-wheeler.  There is, in fact, a rumour that Laura was conceived in the back of a Reliant Robin. 

This is clearly untrue for two reasons;- a) there isn't enough room in a Reliant Robin and b) I actually had a Reliant van…

Laura was born on March 9, 1978 at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford.  I am told I spent most of the day discussing with the registrar the technical features of his new foetal heart monitor, despite some overly-theatrical and distracting noises coming from an adjacent bed.

Laura was very happy and contented baby – she would routinely sleep from 6 at night until 8 the next morning, as well as needing an afternoon nap,… but I do think it really is about time she got out of that routine.  An abiding memory of Laura at 18 months was of her sitting on the floor smiling and laughing to herself, with a drink in her hand and completely incapable of walking.  I know that all her college friends here today will relate closely with this image.

Laura grew up quickly via school and sixth-form college and was, in so many ways, an absolute delight to us all the way through.  She then moved on to Lancaster University where her circle of good friends grew to many hundreds, most of whom she still seems to keep in touch with.

Laura then embarked on a career in HR, with a first job at Preston Police Station where she seemed to divide her time between either telling criminal applicants that there were no jobs for them as constables or telling constables that their job performance was criminal.  This was a highly stressful position so there then followed an 18 month spell in a drug rehabilitation clinic in Lancaster,… where I should explain she was setting up a new HR office.

In the end though she realised that spending time with just policemen and drug addicts was never going to lead to the man of her mother's dreams, so she returned to Cambridge a few years back to join the Royal Society of Chemistry, an organisation full of young, clever, well-paid scientists.  Sadly she quickly discovered that male chemists and real men are not necessarily the same thing. 

I understand that most of you already know that Laura found John on the Internet.  Less well known, however, is that actually she found him on eBay,… after entering size 4 shoes in the search box.  Turns out that John's sister, Michelle, had put John on there, as an act of desperation, with a full length photo of him but, rather cleverly, did not include a ruler in the photograph.

However it happened though, I'm absolutely delighted that they met.  They seem very happy together and share a lot of common interests – cars, music, films, photography.  Laura recently bought John some training for his favourite hobby and tells me that he can now do remarkable things in a dark room,… even though he only has a 35mm Canon.

They now busily setting-up home in Cambourn, which basically means putting all John's prized possessions in the loft.  They already have a long list of jobs to do on the house, which I know they are looking forward to watching me do.  I am sure we all wish them well in building a long and happy life there.

And finally…  one last word about John.  He is clearly a very honourable and conscientious chap who recognises the considerable expense it has taken to get Laura to this state of perfection.  This includes the cost of the clothes, the lager, the shoes, more lager, the cars, the houses, the handbags and yet more lager, and so on.  John has though, with very little persuasion, very kindly offered to pay all this back to me as a gesture of his great gratitude and goodwill.  I am very happy to say, therefore, that I look on this marriage as not so much about losing a daughter,… as gaining a SUM.

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please be upstanding and join me in a toast to Mr and Mrs Woodward.  “The Bride and Groom”