Speech by Robert Palmer

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Robert Palmer
Speech Date: Sep2006
INTRO

Excuse me I think I am coming down with bird flu, been feeling peckish all day

Hello everyone! Can you all hear me ok at the back ?….well in that case can someone please get me a lager.

I personally would like to thank my sponsor Imodium for all the help and support they have given me in the build up to this moment!

This is going to be a short speech on account of my throat. Natalie has threatened to cut it if I go on too long.

Two things to remember about making a speech firstly have a good memory and the second… shit what was it

Keep it short and don't forget the ABC and XYZ of public speaking. ABC – Always be confident. XYZ – Examine your zip.

You will have to excuse me if I start twitching during my speech, this is due to my vanity in wearing the kilt, went for sun beds to make my legs look good, unfortunately spent too long under them and burnt them. Went to the doctor who agreed that they were in a bad way, I asked if he could recommend anything for them, he wrote me a prescription for VIAGRA. VIAGRA I replied will that cure the sunburn.… No said the doc but it will keep the duvet off your legs for four hours.

WEDDING SPEECH

Distinguished guests, those of lesser distinction and those of no distinction, family, relatives, in-laws and outlaws, friends, friends of friends, freeloaders, hangers-on, passers by and those that are just here because there is nothing better on the tv. – a warm welcome to the wedding of Natalie and Scott

FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT KNOW ME I HAVE THE PROUD DISTINCTION OF BEING NATALIES FATHER,
IT ONLY SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS WATCHING NATALIE BEING BORN, AND HERE I AM GIVING THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE SPEECH.

WE ARE SO PLEASED TO WELCOME YOU ALL HERE TODAY AND WE FEEL SURE THAT NONE OF YOU WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT A PERFECT COUPLE NATALIE AND SCOTT MADE AS THEY STOOD SIDE BY SIDE MAKING THEIR VOWS.

WELL, TO ALL OUR GUESTS WE SAY, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR BEING HERE”. CLIFF, NORMA AND MYSELF ARE DELIGHTED TO SHARE THIS DAY WITH SO MANY DEAR FRIENDS AND RELATIONS FROM BOTH FAMILIESWHO TRAIPSED THE LENGTH AND BREDTH OF BRITAIN.

PARTICULARLY I MUST MENTION SCOTT'S COUSIN JIM AND HIS WIFE MARIE WHO HAVE TRAVELLED FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO BE WITH US TODAY.

When I look at Natalie and Scott today, Natalie looking pretty good and Scott feeling pretty awful, it's your turn next, Scott it reminds me that it took a long time for Natalie to find the right man.

Actually she put an advert in the Friday Ads “Husband wanted” and received 97 replies saying, “You can have mine”.
Scott will be aware that Natalie loves clothes – especially shoes. She dresses to kill – beware Scott I am told she cooks the same way.
Scott too also tried hard before he found Natalie. I understand he sent his photo to a Lonely Hearts Club and they sent it back saying “We're not that lonely”.
Earlier on I found myself chatting to the Registrar, and with Scott coming from a religious family, I asked him his opinion on sex before marriage. He wistfully looked at me and said it was fine..… as long as it didn't delay the service!!!

WHEN NATALIE AND SCOTT STOOD TOGETHER EARLIER AND SHE SPOKE THOSE MAGIC WORDS “I DO”,
I HAD CAUSE TO REFLECT THAT IT WAS ONE OF THE FEW TIMES IN HER LIFE THAT SHE'S AGREED TO DO SOMETHING WITHOUT QUESTION.

DON'T GET ME WRONG NATALIE WAS A WONDERFUL AND OBEDIENT CHILD – IF WITH A BIT OF PROMPTING.

ACTUALLY NATALIE HAS A LONG LIST OF QUALITIES –
BUT I CAN'T QUITE DECIPHER HER HANDWRITING AT THIS TIME.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW NATALIE VERY WELL, I CAN TELL YOU THAT SHE IS A DAUGHTER TO BE MORE THAN PROUD OF.

YES, I KNOW FATHERS ARE BIASED!

YES I KNOW SHE COULD NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG IN MY EYES.
AND SHE DOES HAVE A MIND OF HER OWN, .
AS I DARE SAY SCOTT HAS DISCOVERED BY NOW

NATALIE HAS HOWEVER ALWAYS BROUGHT BRIGHTNESS INTO OUR LIVES AND I AM SURE THIS WILL CONTINUE INTO SCOTTS. THEY TOGETHER HAVE PROVIDED US WITH A BEAUTIFUL GRANDAUGHTER LILLYMAY OF WHICH I KNOW THEY CAN BE JUST AS PROUD.
I DO HOWEVER HAVE TO CONGRATULATE SCOTT ON HIS PERCEPTION IN CHOSING NATALIE.
DURING THE MANY YEARS THAT WE HAVE KNOWN SCOTT WE HAVE COME TO REALISE HOW SPECIAL HE IS TO NATALIE AND ANYONE CAN SEE THAT THEY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

WE ARE VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE NEW ADDITION TO OUR FAMILY, ALTHOUGH IT HAS TO BE SAID.
WE HAVE GAINED A SON IN SCOTT. AND I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY WELCOME YOU INTO THE FAMILY AND WISH GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH.

NATALIE AND SCOTT ARE OBVIOUSLY WELL MATCHED. AND WE KNOW THEY WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE EACH OTHER VERY HAPPY IN THE YEARS AHEAD.

SCOTT…… You must consider the words of Oscar Wilde, “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.”
Marriage will bring you many things, loyalty, self restraint, obedience and a whole host of other virtues you wouldn't have needed had you stayed single.
Now that you are married, Natalie will always have the last word in any argument – any word that you come out with afterwards is by default, the start of the next argument!
Remember, when you buy her flowers . . . it proves you are guilty but of course, beware the far more serious consequences of not buying her flowers!.
SCOTT THE BEST WAY TO REMEMBER YOUR ANNIVERSARY IS TO FORGET IT ONLY ONCE.

THERE IS NO CHALLENGE IN A MARRIAGE THAT CANNOT BE OVERCOME WITH THE FOLLOWING THREE WORD SENTENCES:

I WAS WRONG
YOU WERE RIGHT
AND… I LOVE YOU.

ON THE SUBJECT OF ADVICE…IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT MARRIAGE IS a 50/50 PARTNERSHIP…
I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THIS STATEMENT BUT WHOEVER IT WAS, THEY KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT MARRIAGE AND EVEN LESS ABOUT WOMEN.
IT IS HOWEVER A VERY GOOD STARTING POINT MY ADVICE TO YOU BOTH, IS ALWAYS SAY YES AND YOU WILL NOT GO FAR WRONG.
BUT I WILL ADD TO THAT.
IT'S A GOOD WIFE THAT MAKES A GOOD MARRIAGE – AND THAT'S JUST WHAT SCOTT HAS MANAGED TO FIND IN NATALIE.

Seriously though we'd like to say what a good choice Natalie and Scott have made of each other. I am sure Natalie will make the perfect wife and will always help her husband with the dishes.

NATALIE, I'd like to offer this to you:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never comes back, it never was.
If all it does is just sit in your house, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,takes your money and monopolizes the TV, you either married it or gave birth to it !

If my throat was dry when I started this speech its even drier now, and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding,

Here's to the past for all that you've learned
Here's to the present for all that you share
And here's to the future for all that you can look forward to together.
May your joy never end like the circles of your wedding rings

PLEASE RAISE YOUR GLASSES AND TOAST THE BRIDE AND GROOM, NATALIE AND SCOTT