Speech by Rodger Bottomley

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Rodger Bottomley
Speech Date: 01/09/2011 15:23:10

Welcome! To one and all, especially those who have travelled a long distance to be here and share this day, thank you.

I hope that your day so far has been filled with the joy and happiness that always comes with a wedding celebration, I hope so because I have some very important news for you that may bring a sudden change to the proceedings here.

As most of you well know Claire, and perhaps to a lesser extent Adam have been making the very detailed plans and preparations for this their big day for quite a long time now.

Some while back, when I had just begun my initial thoughts into what might go into my speech I had a small mention of a matter that Claire thought to tell me of, probably whilst I was been served one of her beautifully crafted meals.

It sank terror into my very core, a casually dropped one-liner that those of you who are parents will well know, can only be hit home with such devastating pinpoint accuracy by ones’ own flesh and blood.

The comment she made so lightly and therein changed my life for the next few months was along the lines “you know, there will only be 25 minutes for the speeches”. At first I thought, not too bad- although I had yet to even make a start on my speech I had been rolling ideas around inside my head for getting on for around eighteen months.

No, not too bad at all; with a bit of extensive editing and savage trimming I could possibly get down to not much of an over-run beyond the 25 minutes.

I replied to Claire in this vein –“no” she said “25 minutes for all three speeches”

Blind panic! She wasn't joking. Three speeches in 25 minutes! That's just a bit above eight minutes apiece. That's not a speech I thought, that's a race against time.

I love a challenge as much as anyone, but how to fit in a lifetime's thoughts and feelings for a daughter I have loved as much as any father could? Well that is one of the greatest challenges I have ever been set.

There was nothing else for it, my speech would have to be short, to the point and delivered efficiently.

Being a Bottomley meant that I couldn't for one moment imagine that any action by me could be the cause of any problems, the danger to any plan I made might be the actions of others – yes, you lot.

So I have had to employ special measures to ensure that my speech does not over-run.

In fact, such is my determination to ensure that this doesn't over run I have had to carefully structure this speech in such a way as to be certain that there is no applause, no audience participation nor barracking.

 I have timed my part in this and I must arrange that those of you listening do your part too and do not spoil my eight minute plan.

I think I can be sure that I am just the one best able to do this, being perfectly suited to achieving absolutely no rapport with my audience. At last I have found my life's path and true destiny – thank you for giving me this great opportunity, Claire and Adam.

Firstly, let me offer thanks from all of us here to the bridesmaids and flower girls……Shelley, Gemma, Lily, Isabella, Lola and Hannah. Didn't they all perform their duties beautifully?

Little girls in pretty dresses reminds me of a time, years ago when Claire, as a Carnival Princess did meet up with a real Princess and chatted for a little while with her, I still have the photograph of it. The real Princess's son got married himself earlier this year; you might have heard about it in the news. A bit of a big do, that wedding, but nowhere near as important as this one and I'll bet it was nowhere near having the distinguished participants and guests that this one has.

I have desperately tried to limit the amount of stories or jokes that I have received by email or internet to an absolute minimum, however it is inevitable that odd one will sneak through. Such as –

After being married for fifty years….a wife asked her husband to describe her.  –  

He looked at her slowly…then said, “You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”She asks..… “What does that mean?”He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.She smiled happily and said….”Oh, that's so lovely. .… What about I, J, K?”He said, “I'm Just Kidding!”His eye is still swollen….but it will get better.

Claire has always very much been her own person; the confidant articulate beautiful woman you see before you today was not an easy pushover either as a child.  I remember once on a holiday in Spain there was a small kebab kiosk very close to the hotel we were staying at. The smell of the cooking meat on sticks was delicious at all times of day and night as we came and went from the hotel.  This was before Claire had become a vegetarian but she had by then concerns about eating beef. I did assure that it was alright to eat these, which she did almost daily thinking that they were chicken and therefore OK. There have not been many times I have managed or even tried to pull one over on Claire, so it is with deep shame that I have to here and now admit that the meat was actually veal.

Usually, when a woman marries she changes her surname to that of her husbands’.  This is seen as a mark of respect and a gain for most, except the brides’ father of course who sees a member of those with his surname leave to join another's.

I was therefore extremely pleased to receive my telephone directory a little while back and as you do I looked to see if my own entry was in. It brought a tear to my eyes to see, close to my own entry that of Adam Bottomley with Claire and Adams address and phone number next to it. So it is lovely to see that Adam is properly embracing this name changing malarkey in a thoroughly modern way- if you think I am making this up, you could no doubt check using an app on your iPhone or Blackberry or whatever it is that you do.

Adam, we are delighted to welcome you into our little family. We have found you to be a kind and considerate man who deserves a good wife. Thank goodness, you married Claire before you found one!

I'm not going to give you lots of twee advice, but just some words of warning from the Bishop of Oxford: “Statistically speaking, the person sitting next to you at this moment is the one most likely to murder you!”

Finally, I would ask you all to join me in this toast:-

Here's to the past, for all you've learned.

Here's to the present for all that you share.

Here's to the future for all your plans together.

And here's to Love, Laughter and Happy Ever After.

I give you the toast – The Bride and Groom – Mr. & Mrs. Ormrod – Claire and Adam.