Speech by Rodger Bottomley

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Rodger Bottomley
Speech Date: sep2002
Pre – Opening Comments
I'm afraid there's been a bit of a hiccup in the proceedings, the registrar
has just phoned to say that we have to do the registry signing all over
again. It appears that Steve's pen wouldn't work so he borrowed the
registrars. He was still having problems so the registrar said "put your
weight on it" I'm afraid Shelley that you are now Mrs 11 stone 3 pounds.

I've had a problem in preparing to make this speech. I have had so much to
say that I have split up the detail into six different and separate
speeches.
I have put one in each of these envelopes
Steve – you now have a chance to shine in front of your new family -if you
get the right one I will get the praise due, should you choose a bad one it
will obviously be your fault!

First / Opening Comments

I've tried to memorise this speech, which isn't easy when you have the
memory retention of a goldfish, so forgive me if resort to my notes… every
five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but
apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far..… And neither does
my eyesight

Ladies and Gentlemen
I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes, because of my throat. If I
go on too long, Shelley has threatened to cut it!
As father of the bride, it is my privilege to make the first speech.
Somebody should tell my knees that it's a privilege!
I want to start by apologising for Steve & Shelley being late. It's taken
them more than 7 years to get here today! Their ‘lightning’ romance puts me
in mind of the story about the couple who were engaged for 30 years.
Eventually the wife-to-be laid on a nice candle-lit dinner for her intended
– with champagne, the works – and whispered romantically "Isn't it time we
thought about getting married?" "Good heavens," he replied, "who would have
us now?
I'd like to welcome everyone and especially Steve's parents, Bob and Val and
I want to thank all of you for coming and helping Steve and Shelley
celebrate this important day in their lives!

The most important people here for Steve, are Val and Bob. It has been
really good to meet them and become family-in-laws and friends.
What we find gratifying, is that Steve's parents feel the same about
Shelley. They have taken her to their hearts, and I believe that she is now
their daughter, in fact as well as in law!

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank especially, Judy for being a
wonderful mother and the guiding influence in the upbringing of Shelley as
she matured into the perfectly beautiful woman that she has become.
My name is Rodger. Some of you know me too well, while others might be
meeting me for the first time. I'd like to welcome Steve to our family, and
extend to Bob and his family the invitation to join with our clan in this
celebration of love and family connections. I've prepared this little ORG
CHART … [pulling out a HUGE computer printout] … or family tree, just to
get everyone connected. I'm very pleased that Steve Carter has been added to
our family in a very important place, right next to my daughter Shelley.

Handing Shelley over to Steve reminds me of a quotation that I had heard:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
And if all it does is – just sit in your house, messes up your stuff, spends
your money, eats your food, uses the telephone all night, and monopolises
your TV…
You either married it, or gave birth to it!

Seriously though, I can honestly say that Judy and I are delighted to
welcome Steve into the family. As his friends rightly told us, Steve
genuinely is a nice guy and – although I've never asked his parents, Bob and
Val – I can see how proud they are of him.
And Steve and Shelley are extremely well suited, aren't they? Both easy
going (except Shelley), both respectful to their parents (except Shelley),
both able to deal with disaster and triumph in the same way (except Shelley,
the drama queen). Never mind, we love her to bits and she knows it.

I was telling Shelley the other day that, because I was worried about
choking up, I wouldn't be able to say nice things about her today. She put
her hands on her hips and said: "Well somebody had better say something
nice!"
Whatever, they're happy and they love each other. That should be enough to
see them through life together – and I am not the man to dispense advice in
public. In fact, according to most folk, I'm not the man to dispense advice
at all!
And what about the bridesmaids? Didn't they look lovely? How many people in
this room can say they love the bride and 1 of the bridesmaids – and could
well fancy the other one! Poor Jenni is sitting there now, wondering whether
to be flattered or insulted!

Second / Development

Growing up, Shelley was like a little mother to her younger sister Claire
and always held her own with her elder brother Simon, they have always cared
more for each other than either would like to admit.
So what's that got to do with today? … Shelley knows how to handle men.
Steve, you've got to understand … she's got EXPERIENCE with older men.You
won't be able to get away with anything. Don't even think about it.
Shelley is very choosy when it comes to men … she has taken her time to
find the love of her life … and it's no small feat that Steve has achieved
in winning her love.

We remember that Claire was initially very irritated by Steve's first impact
upon family life. Shelley and Steve had met "for the first time"on
Christmas Eve. They had spent the whole night talking, drinking coffee and
smoking (yes they both smoked way back then!). Come the morning Claire was
as eager as any child to get to her Christmas presents and kept asking when
"that strange man" would be going so that she could get to them!

There was a time, much earlier than this when Shelley had a fascination for
small insects which appears to have changed during the passage of time. We
remember that as a very small child she would spend ages watching and
playing with a spider on the window cill. She would watch it crawling up
the window and every now and then, when she thought it was moving too
slowly, would give it a gentle shove with her finger – the more to encourage
it along. Perhaps as the spider grew fed up of this game Shelley became a
little more robust in her shoving – however it happened the spider became
the eventual loser.

During another episode at the same window sill Shelley got the better of a
ladybird that dared to venture into her theatre. After she became bored
with its lack of co-operation at moving in response to her finger-pushes –
she took it as any small child would a brightly-coloured object, she ate it!

This got me to thinking about the good times we have had during Shelley's
childhood. Times like, Shelleys first birthday, Shelleys first Christmas,
Shelleys first spoken words.… all the happiness of those early years.…
Shelleys teenage years, Shelleys first date….all the wonderful times
throughout her growing up…..But also at this same time…the sad
realisation of home life without her.
No more hi dad in the mornings ???No more occasional good night hugs??? Life
will not be the same now that Shelley has left home.
There are however some compensations???? No more waiting for hours for the
bathroom, no more can I have, perhaps even no more dads taxi…..…
and..… a new and overwhelming happiness to know that Shelley and Steve are
happily married.

SHELLEY has also been learning Spanish recently in preparation for their
planned honeymoon to the Maldives. And Spanish is one of those languages in
which every noun has to be masculine or feminine. It's been an education in
gender difference. For example, there is discussion, if not controversy,
about whether the Spanish for COMPUTER is masculine or feminine. The class
was split into groups of men and women in order to find out.

The MEN decided that COMPUTER was definitely FEMININE because:
no one but their creator understands their internal logic,
the native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else, and,
even the smallest mistakes are stored in its long-term memory for possible
later retrieval.

The WOMEN, however, concluded that COMPUTER was MASCULINE because:
in order to get their attention you have to turn them on,
they have a lot of data, but are still clueless, and,
they are supposed to help you SOLVE problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem

SHELLEY, my dream was that you would grow up in a world where women would
have least the same aspirations and opportunities as men. You were born in
1975, whilst the group Queen had the hit Bohemian Rhapsody at number 1.The
Films Rocky Horror Picture Show and Jaws were released. Thinking of the
film Jaws and the menacing music used before a shark attack reminds me of
how I cruelly used to scare Shelley witless singing that attack theme and
flaunting my "monster pants" at her – perhaps if you are not of too nervous
a nature you could ask Shelley later what that was about.

Closing Comments

A marriage certificate is very much like a blank lottery ticket. It carries
the anticipation of a rosy future.
Everything always perfect from now on. At the time of acquiring it however,
there is nothing to distinguish the jackpot winner from an out-and-out
no-hoper!
Steve and Shelley, like a lottery , a marriage requires input from you.
Like a lottery it all depends on the selections or decisions that you make.
Unlike a lottery having made the initial decisions, you can't just sit back
and wait to see if your prize has come up. Marriage is a participation game
and requires love, attention and constant tweaking and fine tuning.
I believe that marriage will teach Steve, loyalty, self-restraint, and
control. It will develop in him a sense of fair play ..… and many other
qualities…..which he probably wouldn't have needed if he had stayed
single!
Seriously though, as someone with some experience of marriage, I would like
to warn this beginner here about what he'll be up against.

First – In the words of Charlton Heston, "the key to a long and happy
marriage is to remember these three words, I WAS WRONG".
Second – In the words of Oscar Wilde, "women are meant to be loved and not
understood".
And third – "Always put the toilet seat down after you".

I started planning this speech a month ago, …and you must feel like I have
been delivering it equally as long, So that is all from me
No! – I haven't quite finished -I am reminded of the wedding that I went
to a few months ago where two of the guests were a Minister and a Priest.
When the Priest was offered a drink for the toast he said, " I'll have a
large whiskey, please!"
When the Minister was offered the same, he said" No thanks, I'd sooner go
with a Scarlet woman than touch the demon alcohol!"
The Priest promptly put his whiskey back on the tray, and said, "I didn't
know there was a choice!"
Now I don't want to offend anybody, so if there's a Priest or Minister
present, I apologise – and if there's a Scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in
the bar after the speeches.

Steve….Now that you are married, Shelley will always have the last word in
any argument – any word that you come out with afterwards is by default, the
start of a whole new argument!
Remember, when you buy her flowers …it PROVES you're guilty. (but or
course, beware the far more serious consequences of not buying her flowers
!)
And always remember those two invaluable words "Yes Dear"
I'd wish you both a wonderful marriage, and I hope you have a really great
honeymoon,
which, Steve you will find is the period between "I do" and "You'd better"

And finally, please be all upstanding and join me in a toast;
Shelley, Steve:
May God abundantly bless you both!
May you live as long as you wish, and have all you need for as long as you
live,
May the road you choose be smooth, and your burdens light,
May your joys be everlasting, and may all your pain . . . be champagne.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. & Mrs. Carter.