Speech by StephenTaylor

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: StephenTaylor
Speech Date: Oct2004
Making this speech is like being invited to go to bed with the Princess Ann – it's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

As we are here in Cornwall I thought you would like to hear a little story about a young King Arthur … with a moral. Listen carefully Kyn.

It was Sir Gawain's stag weekend and all of the Knights of the Round Table went off to Wales for a few days of ale and wenches. But while they were there, they were ambushed by King Offa (King of Wales) and King Arthur taken prisoner. King Offa could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth, ideas & charm. So King Offa offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer he would be hunted down and boiled to death in a pot of steaming seaweed.

Because King Offa was having a hard time with his Queen and their six daughters the question he wanted answered was this: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable of men, and to young King Arthur, it seemed an impossible task. But, since it was better than death, he accepted King Offa's proposition, to have an answer by the end of the year.

He returned to Cornwall and began to interview everybody; the princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jesters. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer. But the price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and poor Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Galahad, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and hideous, you could not imagine any one so ugly, her face was covered in hairy warts and pussie boils, she'd only had one black decayed tooth, smelt like sewage and was constantly making obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her, and have to endure such a burden.

Sir Galahad, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that King Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, King Offa granted King Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Sir Galahad and the witch had! But Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Sir Galahad was proper as always, gentle and courteous. However, the old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

That night, steeling himself for a horrific experience, Sir Galahad entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! Laying on his bed was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen! The astounded Sir Galahad asked what had happened. The gorgeous woman replied that since he had been so kind to her when she was a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question. Sir Galahad pondered his predicament. During the day a beautiful, glamorous woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his own castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a stunning woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments.

What would you do?

Noble Sir Galahad replied … that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. So what is the moral of this story Kyn?

The moral is: if your woman doesn't get her own way, things could get ugly!

This may get a little soppy now and I'm sorry, but when I was looking at some old photos the other week I came across one of Kyn (when he was two years old) on a beach; bucket and spade in hand. There was a kind of beauty about the experience so simple and wonderful; memories just came flooding back, the warm sunny weather the golden sands and Kyn so absorbed and focused looking for crabs in small rock pools. You have got to catch these moments while you can. The fact that we where doing this quintessentially dad and son thing, the supreme contentment of just being together man and boy and just look at him now.

Back at that age, poor Kyn did have a slight speech impediment. Not many people could understand him as he had a tendency to put the letter D in front of everything – so that ‘me and daddy was on the beach looking for crabs in rock pools’ became ‘de dand daddy das don da deach dooking dor gabs din dock dools’.
From that see if you can work this one out? ‘dy dame dis dyn daylor dand dy dats dot dittens’.

It was about 10 years later that Kyn was looking through this album and asked Jaynn “who's this guy on the beach with me, with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That's your father” came the reply.
“Then who's that short fat bald bloke in the front room”?

Jaynn and I have raised a family who are now well-adjusted adults and are counted among our very closest friends. Our relationship is bonded by a lifetime of memories and mutual experience.

And into this family dynasty now comes another member … Vicky. She is an absolute treasure; she is a bright, fun loving, born achiever with a great sense of humour. We know Kyn could not have found a better partner or confidante and we are so delighted. We also know that she'll be a very loyal friend to Kyn (and he to her).

Vicky, you'll be pleased to know that Taylor marriages in general are pretty much ‘til death do us part’. Kyn's grandparents for example have been married for almost 49 years and in the summer I asked my father “What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage”? He turned to me and replied “Well son, it's like this. The man makes all the big decisions”. “Really” I responded, “does that really work”? “oh yes” he says proudly “49 years, and so far, there's not been one big decision to make”!! And I thought my god he's right.

For those of you who don't know this, love blossomed in the local Homebase store where they both had part time jobs and where, believe it or not Kyn was (and this is no exaggeration) the ‘horticultural expert’. Think about that for a minute – ‘horticultural expert’! Now this would be a person my dad would seek out to ask what he needed to do to eradicate leaf mould on his tomatoes plants and aphids on his gladioli. And we are talking about someone who doesn't know the difference between a clematis and a horse chestnut tree! Anyhow, love blossomed in those stolen secret moments between the bags of John Innis potting compost and shelves of grass seed and slug pellets.

I remember when Jaynn and I were about to get married; I looked up the word ‘engaged’ in the dictionary. It said ‘to do battle with the enemy’. Then I looked up mother-in-law and it said ‘see engaged’! But I know Kyn has nothing to fear with Jackie .. . have you Kyn?

By the way Jaynn says she always knows when I'm telling lies – she says my lips start moving.

Sometime before Jaynn and I got hitched (unbeknown to me at the time) she wrote a little poem and she entitled it a ‘woman's prayer’ and I have always cherished it but never made it public until now:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who is handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens the door,
Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh, send me a man, who will make love to my mind,
Know just what to say when I ask, “how big is my behind”?

One who'll make love till my body is twitching,
In the hall, the bedroom, the garden and kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to the end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the ‘Dick Head’ you sent me instead!!

Amen

May you live as long as you wish, and have all you need for as long as you live,
May the road you choose be smooth, and your burdens light,

A toast to the two secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage. Here's to a great sense of humour and a short memory.

And remember ‘to love and be loved is the greatest happiness of existence’.

Bless you both