Speech by Steve Lynn

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Steve Lynn
Speech Date: Sep2004
Father of the Bride Speech
Tradition dictates the Brides father makes the first speech,.… Its my job to do the talking yours to listen lets hope that we both arrive at the end together.
With help from my old friend Jack Daniels I hope to make this as painless as possible from your point of view.

On behalf of Mary and myself I would like to welcome all of you to share this special day with us,
There is one special person who I wished was here but I am sure he is keeping an eye on things from afar
Today is indeed a special day as it was twenty (cough) years ago today that I held a little bundle in my arms to welcome my daughter into the world. It was a crazy time Mary had gone into labour and I had been called to a breakdown on a chicken farm the electricity had failed and 6000, chickens were in danger of suffocating I repaired the fault then went to the hospital in my work clothes stinking of chickens,
The kindness of the sister swiftly turned to anger when I remarked that I found newborn children ugly. THE WIFE HAS NEVER ALLOWED ME TO FORGET IT. And yes I was wrong today Rachel looks stunning

This is my first involvement with the wedding planning process, my input being mainly limited to the roll of transport logistics and financial advisor

Or in layman's term taxi driver and the one who foots the bills.
Like all good campaigns they need to start early and have good planning.
This one kicked off in November 2003 I remember it like yesterday.

It was a particularly wet Saturday morning seated in the Peel of Gongs surrounded by racks of dresses not daring to look at the price tags, I sat there listening to the commentary of the rugby cup final on the radio
My daughter trying on her dress of choice

Johnny Wilkinson despatching that historic conversion over the bar to the delight of the commentator.

My wife and the shop staff were enthusing over the beauty of the dress,.
I relaxed into the chair England had won something of note the daughter had her dress everything was right with the world.

Then they presented me with bill
It was at this point the sudden realisation of what having a daughter and wedding customs in the western world really meant.
I sat there thinking have I bought a wedding dress or put a down payment on Johnny Wilkinson transfer fee.

The credit card company thought the card had been stolen
I spent the next half hour on the shop telephone convincing them that I was indeed the rightful owner of the said piece of plastic.

As the weeks became months the wedding took on a life of its own I was a mere spectator watching as all unfolded before me?
This provided me a modicum of security until that fateful day my wife mentioned that it was time to buy her outfit.
Now what started, as a tight military campaign had now evolved into a holy crusade?
Like those knights of old we were each in search of that mythical object in those far off lands.
Our journey may not have been as far but believe me it was fraught with as many dangers

The modern Department store is no place for the mere male.
Gone are those small oasis of calm where one could sit read a paper and watch the world go by, punctuated occasionally by grunts of approval as the array of choices are paraded before you.

Women's wear in the modern store consists of numerous franchises all vying for trade like anemones on a coral reef seeking out their prey.
Whilst she's trying on the clothes you are abandoned to aimlessly wander the racks in search of solace; the security cameras seem to turn in unison to follow your every step 15 minutes pass and you notice a stranger following you, the store detective.

Your popularity appears to grow as you move from store to store
If you are lucky you will find that which you seek. If not you may find a dubious fame in the photo-fits on editions of crime watch.
I escaped lightly but I am sure some of you others out there were far less fortunate.

The monetary drain seems to rise exponentially as the day draws nearer

Last night we had the final panic I heard Rachel say to her mother I have still got so much to do I want everything to be perfect I don't want to overlook even the most insignificant detail.
Her mother replied Don't worry Ill make sure your fathers there!!

I remember my wedding day,
Back then life was less complicated the term political correctness was used to describe how politicians portrayed themselves in the public eye
Today it has had a far reaching in its effect on all our lives.
The roles within the modern relationship are not so well defined
I think Nick had an insight when he came over to me on his stag night we were in the Spearmint Rhino at the time (for the children listening its a grownups sweetshop with all the wrappers removed)
he said !STEVE I THINK IVE SORTED HER OUT
“I REPLIED WHO HAVE YOU SORTED OUT NICK” …
HE SAID RACHEL
I ASKED IN WHAT WAY
LAST NIGHT I WENT OUT FOR A FEW BEERS WITH SHAUN, WHEN I GOT HOME RACHEL WAS WAITING UP FOR ME, I TOOK OFF MY TROUSERS THREW THEM AT HER AND SAID PUT THEM ON, SHE OBLIGED AND FELL ABOUT LAUGHING
????THEY'RE FAR TO BIG FOR ME.
GOOD SO THAT WHEN WERE MARRIED You'll KNOW WHO WEARS THE TROUSERS

I SAID TO NICK WHAT DID RACHEL SAY TO THAT

WELL SHE GAVE ME MY TOUSERS BACK THEN PRODUCED A PAIR OF KNICKERS FROM HER DRAWER AND THREW THEM AT ME SAYING PUT THESE ON
I LL NEVER GET INTO THESE I PROTESTED
SHE SAID EXACTLY
AND YOU NEVER WILL UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE

On a sober note I would like to thank Drusilla for the wonderful service
her boss for giving us such a nice day.
Lilyian Woods and her helpers for decorating the church Bob and Monica for providing such lovely food,
Martin for the bar, Kerry Samways for the cake
Simon and Robert for doing the hair styling
My wife Mary for her organisation to make this day so successful.
And lets not forget the two beautiful bridesmaids Willow and Nieve

During the time we have known him we have come to realise how special Nick has become to Rachel anyone can see that they are made for each other.
He is likeable easy going hard working an we are very happy to welcome him into the family
it's tradition for the bride's father to offer some thoughts and worldly advice about marriage, so here goes .…

1. Never go to bed on an argument – stay up and fight.
2. Marriage will bring to you many things; Loyalty, self-restraint, obedience, and a whole host of other virtues that you wouldn't need had you remained single
3. I have it on good authority from my wife that If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all
I could reminisce and tell embarrassing stories of Rachel growing up. But seeing that she's likely too have had more dirt on me than I have on her it's probably appropriate that we skip this part of the proceedings.

Suffice to say Rachel was always the tomboy being very protective of her brother if he had problems at school with bullies she was the one who would sort them out
Preferring lessons in karate to the more ladylike pursuits so Nick be warned!!.

Her ambition has always been to be a hairdresser
She would spend hours practicing on a granddad that was quite happy to fall asleep in the chair whilst she styled his hair into some pretty outlandish styles
We have still got the photographic evidence for any future potential customers,

But seriously I am glad to say she has mastered her craft well. The free haircuts I have had over the years have gone some way to offsetting the cost of today's proceedings.

I asked Nick recently what he was looking for in marriage. He said love, happiness and eventually a family.

I asked Rachel the same question. She replied “A coffee percolator.” She actually said a “perky copulator” but I knew what she meant…

I think Henry Fords advice on marriage is pertinent when he said
Coming together is a beginning;
keeping together is progress;
working together is success
It now gives me great pleasure to propose a toast to a long life and happiness for Nick and Rachel

Ladies and Gentlemen: the Bride and Groom