Speech by Alex Butler

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Alex Butler
Speech Date: dec 2004

LADIES & GENTLEMAN, OR SHOULD I SAY HELLO MATEY PEEPS…FORNICATION…SORRY, FOR AN OCCASION SUCH AS THIS, I WOULD LIKE TO START BY THANKING Martin my new father in-law for those kind words, AND the 20 quid is in the post!.…
Firstly you should know that I have been really, really nervous about standing up here before you all and making this speach…and I also need to tell you this is not the first time today that I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
Still I have managed to prepare a few lines……and now I have snorted them I now feel bloody terrific!.
I don't know if you have felt it but It has also been a very emotional day – even to the point that the cakes in tiers!

Thank you also to Glynis , my new outlaw….oop's I mean mother in law, for all your help and support leading up to the wedding.
Also Thanks to my mother…it is a minor miracle she is here at all following a major illness, and it has made our wedding even more special…a round of applause for my mother is well deserved
Bek & I would also like to thank all of you for making the effort to be here today – Firstly all those over from the UK, and also my Greek relatives both from Athens and Pireros, and those here from this beautiful island of Aegina. Speaking of the Greeks I would like to thank the Greek caterers for the superb food we have just enjoyed. Also, thanks go to the priest for conducting an excellent ceremony under very trying conditions, and making himself better understand that I possibly could.
ABSENT FRIENDS:Unfortunately it is not possible for everyone to be here who we would have wanted at our wedding – and would have made us both very proud. Firstly there is my mother who has been very ill over a long period, and although she has made an amazing recovery she wasn't quite able to make it here today. I'm also thinking of my Greek uncle Notie who was like a father to both me and my brothers and sisters – he is sorely missed by many of us here today. I am also thinking of my late father, George, and sister Janet, and in Becky's case her Nan and Grand-dad (Masie & Ted) who only recently passed away – they are very much in our thoughts today, although I am sure they are still with us in spirit.
So with them in mind, would you all please stand, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to absent friends. Ladies and gentlemen – the toast is, “Absent Friends.”
Bek – my new bride, what can I say…apart from she looks fantastic?
Today is the very first and very last time that Bek is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. Today has so far been a day beyond my wildest dreams. As a child, dreaming of my wedding day, I never dared imagine that I would end up marrying someone so intelligent, so witty, so popular, so gorgeous and so altogether fantastic…… what's that Bek?… I can't read your writing!
It has to be said, Bek has been rather more involved than I have in planning today, but she did let me sign all the cheques – which was nice? – I'd like to congratulate her on a fine job.
We first met on a club dance-floor in Dunstable – she rolled her eyes at me…I rolled them back. Then she knocked me back with her charming chat up line, “Alrite Lardy Pants, any chance of a drink, and make it a double”. I warmed to her even more when we went for an Indian later and realised she suffered from the same irritable bowel problem as myself. Then when I invited Bek back to my gaff, her and her mates beat up the lodger. Finally a few weeks later I invited to an all expenses paid works do – she got so hammered that my boss & work mates found her being sick in the hotel corridor at 4am with nothing but her underwear on. It was then I knew that I had hooked a real classy lady!
Then there's Bek's cat “Ev's”.
I'm sure some of you have heard me complain that Bek thinks more of Ev's, our cat than she does of me, and that she would have married Ev's given half the chance, but I can now tell you this is rubbish. For a start Ev's was stopped at the airport customs and secondly the priest refused to perform the ceremony.
I would like to finish her story on a more sincere note….a poem..
The vows have been read,
The cake has been cut;
Let's hope that my Bride
Doesn't grow a big butt!…..Only kidding, this 1 is better…
Here's to my Bride, her kisses so sweet
she makes things stand that have no feet
she lost her cherry, but that's no sin
for she saved the box that it came in
"Because I love you truly,
Because you love me, too,
My very greatest happiness
Is sharing life with you."
" I have known many,
Liked not a few, Loved only one
I toast to you"
[Raise your glass and toast her]

Which brings me, reluctantly to the subject I've been trying to avoid – namely my 3 Best Men. ……Every groom needs best men who can be relied upon, who are honest, decent, and well organised – but what happens when you don't know anyone like that……Well in my case I picked the 3 dodgy CLOWNS at the end of the table, who look as though they are auditioning for the Muppet Show – they are Paul, Deano & Rog.
What can I say about them?, – well firstly there's Paul…stand up Paul…

Paul: A nice bloke – character ?, well suffice to say every village has one.
In fact Paul was a slow starter. At Playschool Paul was different from all the other 5 year olds.. He was 11!
By the time he was 14, his parents were getting very concerned about his performance at school – He wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped!
Friends used to ask his parents what they thought Paul would be when he left school..The usual reply was " Oh, about 35 "!

Then there's Dean: Dean has a face like a flower – unfortunately a cauliflower
In fact Dean was also very ugly when he was a baby, as you can see from this picture..

He was so ugly, when they delivered him they made sure he was face down!

Looking back he was the only baby in Dunstable to have SHUTTERS on his pram!

His mum got morning sickness AFTER he was born

Then there's Rog He has wavy hair– it's waving goodbye……but Rog despite what he says has not always been popular with everyone.…
IN FACT ROG WAS ONCE DESCRIBED AS ARROGANT, CONCEITED, INSENSITIVE AND SELFISH……….WELL LET'S FACE IT IF ANYONE KNOWS HIM IT WOULD BE HIS MUM.

Thank Bridesmaids
I'd like to finish with the traditional Bridegroom's toast to the Bridesmaids who I am sure you will agree look magnificant. So please stand and raise your glasses with me. Ladies and gentlemen, the toast is “the Bridesmaids.”
To Conclude… Ladies & Gentlemen, friends, relatives, freeloaders and hangers on – thank you again for being here today, for your gifts, for your good wishes and most of all for your friendship now and in the future. Here's a final toast to all of you at our fat greek wedding and to a wonderful evening.…
Ladies and gentlemen, the toast is “Our Fat Greek Wedding & to a Wonderful Evening.”

THANK YOU, & NOW I WILL HAND YOU OVER TO THE BEST MEN….GO EASY ON ME LADS!