Speech by Alphamale

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Alphamale
Speech Date: 31/12/2012 21:55:42

Good afternoon everyone.

I am happy to offer you today some tired overused gags and maybe a little sarcasm.

Putting that to one side for a moment, on behalf of my wife and I, I'd like to thank you all for giving us your valuable time and sharing today with us.

We gave you very little notice of the wedding and we are both surprised and delighted with how few people were unable to attend. You must either lead empty lives, or perhaps…we should be flattered. So, we are flattered, thank you.

I would say to you that if you don't laugh I will make this last even longer [pause]

We both appreciate all of your gifts and best wishes, thank you.

There aren't many grooms who can say they're marrying their best friend… And I'm no exception as he still won't leave his wife. [pause] Hayley. Thank you for agreeing to share your life with me and caring for Beatrice so brilliantly. I'm very happy to be your husband and I will take care of you for the rest of my life.

Those of you who know me well know that I am a staunch traditionalist and I did the time honoured and decent thing when it came to proposing to Hayley.

I went down on one knee…and then the other…And said…Ron (father of the bride), will you please pay for the wedding? [pause] Of course I didn't do that!

Instead, I proposed, last year, when Hayley, Beatrice, my good friend Guv and I were on holiday in Cyprus. We were all in the car on a long journey along a coastal road when I pulled over. I asked Hayley to get out of the car and…for once…she did as I asked and I led her towards the cliff edge.

Instead of jumping off I got down on one knee and I proposed overlooking the blue sea and a beautiful sunset.

I received an understated reaction that I've seen before in the other rare moments when I've surprised Hayley and done something nice. It's possible I could have got a more overwhelming reaction. Because Hayley's reaction was to be quiet, not really say anything and then [make the motion of boo-hoo (wiping the eyes)] little tears popped out of her big eyes. Just like when she watches “One Born every minute”.

I believe tradition dictates I should say one or two amusing things about Hayley. However she dictates I do no such thing…so I'll move on. I can, at least, acknowledge we both have very different interests. I enjoy sports and spending time with my friends and family.  Hayley enjoys…finding new ways to spend money [pause]

But, we are both completely as one in our love for our little daughter Beatrice. And Beatrice is very lucky to be loved very much by both sets of grandparents.

I would like to say thank you to my Mum and Dad who give me and my little family love and support even now I have reached my early thirties (cheap gag as I am close to 40) I just hope that you know how much I love and appreciate you both. Mum and Dad gave me gentle encouragement as a youngster and this helped to nurture my competitive nature. And this has helped create the alpha-male [say arrogantly-ish] you see before you today. [Pause] Some people laugh and say I am deluded…But they're just fools who obviously don't know what they are talking about [will the audience get the irony?]

Which reminds me, I couldn't ask for nicer in-laws… [pause and make out as if someone is sniggering in the audience and say:] No. That's not fair; it's not nice to laugh at people.

I'm serious again now… Ron and Pat – Thank you for your support over the years. Hayley and I both appreciate all you do and for being there for all of us – And, all being well, this will soon include little baby Bert [bride was six months pregnant at the wedding. Groom teased Bride throughout pregnancy that we would call the baby boy ‘Bert’].

Thank you also for you big and generous contribution to our day.

Finally, I would like to thank my brother Steve who has kindly been chauffeur, photographer, MC and also best man.

All that remains is for me to say we are glad you have all been part of our wedding today. Thank you.