Speech by Andrew Elmes

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andrew Elmes
Speech Date: 09/11/2012 00:22:28

Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, Suresh…

Looking round, it seems to me that you will all have heard a few grooms’ speeches in your time,

So to spice things up, I thought I'd address you…through the time honoured medium of rhyme!

There's another reason too why I thought to use verse, and it's this beauty here at my side

For poetry is her love, and it framed our second date, so if I get it wrong…well, woe betide!

Why too these couplets? Well look at these speakers to my flank, imposing chaps and stentorian of voice. And since I can't sing, can't play and always forget jokes…you'll see I was left with no choice!

So bear with me good folk, and lend me your ears; if I keep it brief I'm sure I can't wrong

And as King Henry eighth said to each of HIS wives, I don't plan to be keeping you long.

So firstly thank you Prof K…Tony…Father in Law! For your amusing, considerate and loving address

I've always said one in four of your stories are new and I think today you pulled out the best

Oh and I got your note this morning, thanks so much, offering to pay for the whole shebang…?

What's that? Oh…dear…can we discuss this later? Best not to argue in front of this gang…

And so….on behalf of my wife and I, it is my role and joy to thank you all for coming, to help us celebrate our special day

We've all busy lives, and we know in addition that some have come a long way.

We've even attracted the Scots and French! But darn it, we've travelled furthest! Or so I thought…

You see there's one family here who have travelled far as we, with 2 other reasons to give special mention;

To the Dimmocks, now Aussies, and happy fortieth today Andi; bet you're chuffed you're now close to your pension!?

(Hooray)

In remembering those absent my thoughts are for one that some have been privileged to meet

To my father, my role model and hero; today I feel most his empty seat

Mum, he would have loved this girl that said yes and seen reflected your cherished values

Of family, love, commitment and courage…and a penchant for fancy dress and good booze!

So please join me in a toast – To absent friends and loved ones…

Thank you Mum for turning a once empty vessel into a man I hope all can respect

Those listening may not realise but your humble host hasn't always been this perfect;

You've kept me grounded, always believed, and imparted a love for strong women Well now I've found one just like that, who keeps me as a student, while I make the meals and wash linen!

Claire, it's been a while since you rescued me from the wrath of headmasters or put out my gang's camp fires

And now you've your own ball of mischief to bring up; funny how life transpires

I'm so glad you are thriving deep ‘en Provence’ and have such a true gentleman at your side

To see you today, the first man in your life would have been bursting with pride.

Tony and Dorothy, thank you for your warmth, your counsel, and my place in the Kennerley band.

With your 6 careers each and a cruise every month, how have you always got 3 holidays planned?

The coronation chicken, and FPUs, are legendary though the fireworks deadly, when the police show up…they just join in!

But above all you raised this daughter to live with passion and love fiercely, when she was once such a terrible twin!

Shall I share with you how Liz and I met?

At a legendary hockey camp, I spied a rare beauty, a la school girl and all fluttering eyelash

We chatted and flirted, she challenged my gongs, but was won over by this comely moustache

So the very next year, same place different gear, I sought out the same reveller fair

This time she in velour, my chat still as poor, but as Flashman sporting more facial hair!

Next morning I braved her hung-over team huddle, leaning on redundant hockey sticks

Zeroing in on this girl I swept her off on date 1; a Styrofoam cup of tea and a Twix

Well I wouldn't have you all miss the feel of a good whisker and a date with lil’ ole me

So please open your packs, don your very own ‘tache, and have that Twix with your next cuppa tea!

Some more thank yous are due, and firstly to both parents, for their help with realising our day

For being HQ wedmin throughout, for filling in what we missed out, and on occasion, just for keeping out the way!

To the three who rose to read poem and prose, thank you for your touching address

Anna, David and Claire, through you we could share, the emotions that sum us up best

For our flower girls and page boy; Kudos, for such an endearing and professional display

Thank you Rosie, Flora, Harry; not 6 years between you, yet you seem to have stolen the day!

To their parents, congratulations on such beautiful kids; your dedication and love bring rewards;

Thanks for training them up, but now they've done their bit, just so we're clear; they're all yours!

To Pippa and Sarah, with such angelic voices, thank you for the gift of your singing

Liz was dying to join you, but as you can imagine if she had, you'd all still be struggling at the beginning

A nod to my ushers, whose military pedigree allowed them to corral you all the better

There's an unwritten rule that they're to not outshine the groom and I note they obeyed that to the letter.

Thank you gentlemen

For the profusion of blooms adorning every room, we owe Angela but where do we start?

For your energy and dedication, your creativity and this perfection, thank you from both our hearts

 Dashing all over the kingdom, haggling Dutchman and cockney, finding flowers where mortals would despair

And all the time schooling us in Latin and botany; I give you the flying floral Scotswoman extraordinaire!

Well in today's proceedings I've secured me a young brother, and a kiwi in-law lord above!

And since it looks like no one got lost in the grounds, thank you Dave and Jen for the signposts of love

As I speak, all being well, this event is being filmed for the ordeal of future generations

Thanks to Liz's Uncle George well I suppose it's a bonus to get use out of one's new relations

Indulge me to now thank this vision of a bride for today becoming my wife

Part of me knew from the first time we met that Liz would change my whole life

Intelligent, determined, loving and beautiful; she's a combination that reason defies

And my luck, since we agree you'd have scorned the younger me, you've a thing for crinkly eyes

So far we've filled 4 years of unforgiving minutes and, knees creaking, have such distance to run

I promise to love you and be worthy in return, and hope the best of our days is to come

You've saved me when I've been low, shared your pilgrim soul, taught me to admit when I'm wrong

I've stared once into the abyss of life without you and to my core it's with you that I belong

We're kindred spirits in adventure, and stronger together; not even a trans-global wedding…quite…overwhelms

But there's one debate I don't think we've quite yet resolved; who's actually CAPTAIN of team Kennerley/Elmes?

And what of children? Well I think we're agreed, that we hope soon they too will come

But on condition!  That they get Lizzie's looks and her brains…and not my nose…or this steatopygous bum

(Hooray!)

My main role of course is to toast the bridesmaids; Vicki, Tessa and Sarah

Ladies, my compliments on your beauty today; and thank you for what you mean to my wife

Liz holds you so dearly, ever since your school days, that you are a crucial part of her life

When Liz and I first dated, and our characters clashed, your defence of me was stalwart and welcome

Thank you ladies for your trust, belief and warm friendship…even if once you labelled me ‘reformed scum’

Schooled in the Queen Anne's model of world domination; do your best, play fair, don't be lazy

And they all live to that code, but if you know them you'll agree, that to a girl they're also a touch crazy…

Well it was due to these traits that to you we turned, for a task to which you were uniquely able

For on the list of wedding must-haves, not much superseded the creation of that awesome sweety table!

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for a toast….to the bridesmaids

In a moment my so-called best man will speak and try to make you believe stories absurd

For those who know and love Phillip you'll wearily agree, it's about right that he gets the last word

Since day one in halls, despite my forlorn morning calls, we've been welded by common values and loves

This man can talk all night, won't ever travel light, and will repeatedly get you chucked out of the pub!

For fancy dress, sporting socials and parties of fame, he's invariably spinning the thread

And see it was this man's hockey team that brought me to meet the girl that today I have wed

Phillip thank you for your friendship and support down the years; here's to 20 more just as splendid

For the photo booth and of course the chaps’ weekend of decadence on the Cam; by now my pride and liver have mended

Well I've spoken enough; not so short, but I hope sweet; and my final toast is to you all

It means the world for Liz and I, to share our wedding with you, and we sincerely hope you have a ball

Please help us to remember the happiness of this hour, and support us throughout the years

And so once more with me stand, charge the glass in your hand: to us, you and yours; Cheers!