Speech by Andrew Hamilton

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andrew Hamilton
Speech Date: jun 2003
Ladies and Gentleman and Mrs Hamilton, Good Afternoon!

I was really, really nervous about standing up here and speaking, suffice to say this is not first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand. Seriously though I did prepare a few lines for today and having snorted them I feel absolutely fine.

My wife and I…I suppose I better get used to that…would like to thank you all for a few things today. Your wonderful gifts, your great support and the fact that so many of you turned up. Which knowing you lot and knowing me, is a minor miracle. Nevertheless, Thank you all.

Most people on their wedding day describe it as the happiest day of their lives. That worries me…because it implies that as from tomorrow there's a lifelong decline ahead, so I'm making the most of today. However, I'm so am happy today that even days less happy would still be blissful.

During these few words, I have to say a few things and thank a lot of people so please bear with me. But I will start in the best possible place, my darling wife Hayley.

Hayley…yet again you have amazed me with your beauty today. And I am sure all of the people here will agree with me when I say that you look absolutely stunning.

I asked Hayley's mum in the church, how she looked in her wedding dress, she said wonderful, but that didn't prepare me enough for when I saw her walk down the isle. I was overwhelmed to the say the least by how beautiful Hayley looks today. I still can't believe that such a wonderful woman chose to marry me. And the one thing I don't need to be unsure of now is whether my future will be happy…I KNOW it will be, because every day I wake to find you, I will smile and I will love you twice as much as the day before.

Right, that's the crap out the way…

I am sure all of you know, that Hayley is a nurse within the Royal Air Force, which gave me more than one reason for asking her to marry me. One, because according to my siblings I am a raving hypochondriac and also it meant more than one uniform for her to wear in the bedroom 

As you know Hayley and I have arranged this wedding ourselves. Although I am sure that Hayley would tell you, she has done it all herself. Because to be honest I couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. A view with which I am sure you would all agree and in particular my Mum & Dad.

But Hayley has done a great job and everything is really been down to her…Thank You Darling!

I believe that I should also take this opportunity to thank Hayleys’ Mum and Dad, Glenis and Steve. For bringing Hayley up to be the women with whom I fell in love. Obviously they had something to do with the fact that she is here but also there input must have been something greater as she has created such a major impression on me. And, most importantly for giving me you're blessing to marry your beautiful and intelligent daughter. I hope that you don't feel that you've lost a daughter, but have gained another mouth to feed and someone to clean up after.

Somebody once asked me when Adam & Eve were together how did we know that they lived in paradise? Well in view of the fact that my new Mother-in-Law Glenis is so close, I don't want to say much, other than this- Adam had no Mother-in-law, that's how we know he lived in paradise. But seriously I would like to thank Glenis for all her support over the past few days, and I hope I make as good a Son-in-Law as you will Mother-in-Law.

I feel very proud to be able to say that I am your son-in-law and will always do my best to live up to your expectations and promise to take care of Hayley…and of course do everything she tells me to do…

…Now I'm not saying she's bossy…but I know my place!

To be more serious however, I would thank Steve and Glenis for providing me with not only a beautiful wife but also a soul mate & a best friend.

By the way Steve, I have not forgotten. I'll sign the receipt for you. Steve has written out a receipt for me. It says:

<Pull a bit of paper from Jacket>
Received one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranteed. Comes complete with extras. Keep topped up with expensive jewellery, and lubricate well with fine wines. Service regularly…oh no sorry I missed a bit…service regularly with lavish trips to exotic and far away places…you really must make your writing more clear!
Warning: has a tendency to get irritable if doesn't have the final say on EVERYTHING.
Care notes: gets bored easily, keep busy with a constant supply of chores.

Not to be outdone though my Mum has written out a receipt for Hayley. It reads:

<Pull another bit of paper from Jacket>
Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've redecorated the room, changed the locks and our phone number is ex-directory, so you're stuck with him.
Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt, which may come off with vigorous scrubbing.
Care notes: de-hydrates easily, top up regularly with Stella Artois.

As you can probably tell I come from a fairly large family with 2 brothers and 2 sisters so I have never been without plenty advice and criticism. It is indeed quite incredible that I have ever managed to do anything right. Although most of them will tell you that I haven't. Again, however, on a more serious note, they have all been very supportive for which I take this opportunity to thank them and to say that it has been much appreciated.

I suppose it's natural when a person gets married to think back over his or her past and to ask questions, not so much about the adult years, but the earlier part of your life when you were, as the saying goes being brought up
Now, when I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon, when I was all ready to set off for the church, I thought, “what a fine handsome intelligent upstanding young chap you are! Your parents did a good job with you!” That's why I want to congratulate my Mum and Dad on the wonderful job they did, and to thank them for it. Thanks mum and dad, for everything. Only they and I know what is contained in the word everything.

They have been the best parents I could have possibly asked for. They have made me the person that stands before you today, so you can blame my Dad for the crude jokes and sexual innuendo. I have put them through a lot since I was a youngster, some good.… a lot bad. However hopefully more good than bad. I have some things to say to each of them…
Mum: You are fabulous. Your eternal youthful looks and wonderful smile are still the reason why I am proud to still walk hand in hand with you down the street. You have been both my mother and my teacher in so many things, and when I have done some of things in my life, I know I did them well because of you. So Mum, Thank you and I love you. However, don't think I will ever go to Sainsbury's with you again, as the infamous “ANDREWWWWWW” across the store will do nothing for my status.
Dad: A son's relationship with his father is traditionally special. However, our relationship has not only been special to me, but a necessity. You are the one I've turned to when I'm down, and the one I've shared things with when I am happy. You've been my father, my best friend, my teacher, my guide and my inspiration. So Dad, Thank you and I love you! And hopefully now you can sit at home with you whiskey in one hand and not have to worry about me ringing you to borrow a tenner!.

But I would also like to thank them for welcoming Hayley into the family with open arms and for supporting her as much as you do. Mum, don't worry I will still come round to see you…and at the same time get you to cook a meal, wash my laundry, and generally leave a mess behind…so nothing will really change!

I am also grateful to my two best men, Simon and Neil who did there level best to ensure that today was a complete disaster and that I didn't arrive at the church. Which is probably because they don't seem to able themselves to make that leap into the future and make honest women of their partners.

"My mum always used to say to me, show me your friends and I'll tell you your character.
Well look at the sad bunch of friends I have as ushers and best men…."

Seriously though, I do thank them for their support and look forward to their continuing friendship. On a more personal note I would like to thank them individually.

Simon, you have been many things to me in our lifelong friendship. My best friend, my worst enemy and on several occasions my sparring partner. However, through thick and thin, we have stuck together and you are here on my special day as my best man. Thank you.

It was quite funny the other day… I asked Simon what he thought of Monogamy, Simon said…I prefer Stripped Pine actually <LAUGH> I said No you fool, Monogamy. He said whats that then. I said having one wife… He looked at me bemused and said “Whats the alternative then”.. I said two mother in laws… He looked at me and said.. I think we'll stick to Monogamy.

Neil, I won't tell you all too much about Neil, as I am sure he has plans to tell you himself what a splendid fellow he is. Neil, and also his lovely fiancée Debbie, have however been there for me when I have needed them. They have put a roof over my head, a meal on the table and seen me through a few crises’. And that is why, I am eternally grateful to them both for their support to date. However, just in case you better keep a bedroom free.

But joking aside, I have to say that I couldn't ask more of two best man, over the years they've been shoulders to cry on, houses to stay at, of course great drinking compatriots, but most importantly of all, my best friends.

And in light of all they have done I have two gifts for them!

I would also like to thank my ushers for a great job. My big brothers, Jonathan and Mike, Hayleys brother Ross. My good friend and colleague Paul and last but by no means least my buddy Martin!!

Thank you Gentleman.

Finally, one of my most pleasant duties today is to thank and propose the toast to the bridesmaids. Jill, Hayleys’ best friend. Alex, my sister and Rachel, Hayleys’ childhood best friend. I am sure you will all agree with me that they all look lovely. But lads I am sure you will tell them personally later after a few drinks. In any event, I would like you to be upstanding and drink their health.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bridesmaids
Before I sit down and hand over to my Best Man and great friend Neil I'd just like to stress that he's never been one to let the truth get in the way of a good story…
Ladies and Gentlemen, my Best Man Neil…