Speech by Andrew McAlpine

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andrew McAlpine
Speech Date: 25/10/2012 23:53:42

I'd like to thank Emrys for his kind words, I knew it'd be hard to follow his speech and I was right…I couldn't follow a word of it…

Now I must tell you that the thought of writing a speech for today filled me with dread, so much so that the only phrase that came to mind at the time rhymed with Clucking bell!

(Pause) …come on think about it! (Pause)

At first I didn't really know where to start. So I thought I'd trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, good stuff.  But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

It says here pause….and wait for a laugh

Now as there will be a number of toasts in my speech, I'd like to make sure that all of you have your glasses fully charged…

Whilst you are doing this, I thought, I'd tell you the story of how Myra and I first met…

It was…October 1999…McKlusky's nightclub…Bacardi Breezers…Stella…a beautiful girl and an athletic man!

….To this day I still find it strange that Myra was drinking Stella…

Now for the men in the room to assist you in keeping awake my speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! 

And for the ladies it will be like reading Fifty Shades of Grey, you just can't wait to get to the end…

(Pause)

So distinguished guests, and those of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, gypsies and anyone else who may have wandered in, I would like to thank you all on behalf of Myra and I for joining us to celebrate our marriage.

I know that some of you have travelled a long way to be here and that means a lot to us. It really wouldn't be the same without you all. It'd be a darned sight cheaper, but that's not the point.

We would like to say thank you for all our cards and gifts, and a special thanks to those of you who have given cheques. No, we really are grateful for those, especially as we'll be using the details on the cheques to set up direct debits paying our bills for years to come. Who said that identity fraud is a bad idea?

(Pause)

Toast absent friends & family….

While we are delighted to see you all here today, sadly there are some family and friends who have not been able to attend for various reasons, but we know they're here with us in spirit and in our hearts. So, with them in mind, would you please all raise your glasses, & join me in a toast to absent family & friends.

Toast: Ladies & Gentlemen, “Absent Family & Friends”

Brides Parents (Emrys & Patricia)

At this point I am supposed to thank both Emrys and Patricia for welcoming me into your family, but it seems strange for me to do that today as you have both made me feel like a part of it for many years now, in fact right from day two.  Day one was a bit rough, but I *think* they're over it now.

(Pause)

I genuinely could not have asked for nicer in-laws and thank you for bringing Myra up to become the woman that I have married today.

Grooms Mum

As this is a speech from both of us, Myra would like to give her thanks to my Mum Rhoda, and I quote “you should be very proud to have raised such a handsome, intelligent, dashing son, someone who is athletic and wise, but a modest man who…have I already said handsome?” Thank you Myra.

In all seriousness, I would just like to say thanks to my mum for being there for me and encouraging me to make the most of every opportunity I have had.

Thanks also go to my sister Allison, for I could have not wished for a nicer sister.

We'd like to show our appreciation with some flowers for both our mums…

(Hand out flowers for mums)

Toast: Ladies and Gentleman, please raise your glasses, to our Parents.

Myra

That leads me on to the star of the today, my gorgeous new wife Myra, – you look absolutely stunning. I love you very much and look forward to at least another 13 years together!  I feel very lucky as Myra is funny, beautiful, kind, caring, and…I would go on except that I have trouble reading her writing.

(Pause)

But seriously, to Myra, you are my best friend and the love of my life, thank you for being you.

Myra, you know everything about me, including the fact that I have the patience of a wasp…and you love me just the same. I am extremely lucky today to be the one to marry you.

So Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding, for the most important toast I'm ever likely to make,

To my Wife…Myra

Bridesmaids

I'm sure you'll agree how beautiful our two bridesmaids Hayley and Zoe look today.

You have both done an excellent job looking after my beautiful bride today.

Thank you for all the help and support you have given in the lead up to today, and with arranging her hen party and thanks to all the hens who were able to be there to make her day.

Ushers (Owen & Lewis)

This leads me on to the Ushers Owen and Lewis,

Although none of them have any prior experience as bouncers, it's fairly self-evident that they've done a terrific job at handling the paparazzi today and I for one, haven't seen even one Hello! Magazine photographer on the premises all day, So Well done guys.

Also was particularly impressed by the way you both managed to search handbags and frisk pockets on the way in with such discretion. Top marks there.

I would also like to thank Owen and Lewis, my new brother in-laws, not only for welcoming me into Webb circle of trust but also for not having me beaten up for dating their little Sister in the early days!

Toast: Ladies & Gentleman, please raise your glasses in a toast to our Bridesmaids and Ushers.

Other Thank yous

Now thanks must also go to Hayley's mum Lyn for making the lovely invitations.   

Paul's mum Jean for the beautiful flowers.

Hannah for making the fabulous edible favours and to our singer Liz for the lovely entrance music.

Thank you also goes to John our photographer. I am particularly looking forward to seeing the photos from the day as John's reputation for capturing images of random young ladies is well known to those that are part of the jolly boys outing to Europe every year!

(Pause)

Myra and I really do appreciate all your help in making today so special.

Best Man

And so on to the person who has helped me get here today…yes…that's right…Mohammad …the taxi driver who dropped me off this morning…if anyone needs his number feel free to come and see me during the best man's speech! 

(Pause)

…but as well as Mohammad special thanks must go to my best man Bernie.

There is an old Hampshire tradition that not many people know about, it's that The Groom should always look more handsome than the best man. So I'd like to thank Bernie for making such an effort to uphold that tradition!

Myra and I would like to thank Bernie for looking after the rings today…

(It says here cross that bit out if there is any problem with the rings!)…

(Pause)

I would also like to say a big thank you for his help in the lead up to today and for his part in making my stag trip such a success, so much so that we are doing it again next year!!.…

The fact that it was Bernie that ended up walking round Majorca dressed as Robin Hood while I looked like a very dirty Albert Einstein just goes to show while I am very particular about the way I look he doesn't mind how stupid he looks!

Now, I must warn you that Bernie, seems to live in a parallel universe, and therefore has a very different slant on reality. So with this in mind I would really appreciate it if you bear with them whilst he gives his speech that is undoubtedly made up of fictitious events and people, so please clap at the end knowing that it is all make believe.

Now given that I have been a great warm up act, I would appreciate it if he would take it easy on me!

Finally I would just like to leave you with one thought, should any one ask you how my speech went today I think it can be summed up by the following quote from my TV Hero Mr Edmund Blackadder: “Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle, and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that, excellent”

Thank you!