Speech by Andy Grant

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andy Grant
Speech Date: Oct2005
Andy's Groom Speech – The Text

Distinguished guests, guests of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, hangers on, gypsies, tramps and thieves and any one else who may have wandered in.

In the course of my preparations for today I read that a successful speech has both a good beginning and a good ending but that a truly great speech is one that keeps both of these very close together.

However, just in case I ramble on a bit too long then I should make you aware of the emergency exits in the room which are located there, there and there. Also, in case of any more rain today, lifejackets are located underneath your seats.

Thanks my new Father-in-law Dave for his speech – echo key points.

I have to say how lovely Lizzie looks in her dress – it really does come as a surprise as I've managed to resist peeping inside the bag which has been hanging on one of the bedroom doors for some weeks now.

I thought I might give you all a few examples of relevant events that had happened on this day in history, Until today, the 15th April may not have seemed to be a very historic day, but I've managed to find out a few facts from in amongst the mobile ringtone and porn sites that seem to comprise 90% of the interweb these days.

On the 15th April 1942 the people of Malta were awarded the George Cross in recognition of their bravery in the face of attack by Italian and German aircraft. On the same day in 1953 Reis Leming, a 22-year-old US airman received the same commendation for rescuing 27 people in East Anglia during the winter floods.
How does this relate to today? Well, some of you might think that Lizzie deserves a medal for putting up with me!

In 1755 on this day Dr Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary. Among the words this first edition contained were beautiful, bewitching, dazzling, elegant and radiant – all of which I think you'll agree can be applied to Lizzie today.

And on this day in the year 2005, you attended this wedding reception and heard the finest wedding speech of your entire lifetime, and my best man Olly will shortly be making it!

We actually live on the same road as 2 wedding dress shops, but Lizzie decided to make several 100 mile round trips by car &amp train to Basingstoke in order to get the dress that she wanted – and as you've seen it was well worth the effort.

I did ask a few people of they could supply any amusing stories about Lizzie from the time before we met, and curiously enough they all seemed to be clothing oriented – perhaps she didn't always have such good dress sense.

I can't go into too many details in such polite company, but I can tell you that she has been known to cry when asked to wear Wellington boots, if you give her a tea cosy she may stick it on her head and start singing “Walk Like an Egyptian” and she can't hear the phrase “Ants in your pants” without thinking of Yugoslavia!

I'll be mentioning the people who've helped to make this day a success later on, but as you may know Lizzie and I have spent an increasing amount of our spare time in recent weeks and months making arrangements for today. It's only fair to say that although I've helped whenever I could, Lizzie has been responsible for the lions share of what you've experienced today, including making the cake and designing &amp making the invitations, menus, seating plan etc. So I hope everyone here will join me in a round of applause for her, and the hard work she has put in to make this day a success.
pause for applause

It's no secret that there are certain male celebrities that Lizzie thinks are “a bit of all right” – Sean Bean, Sting and Alan Shearer spring to mind. It's quite lucky that in one person I embody the musical talents of Sean Bean, the footballing ability of Sting and the acting prowess of Alan Shearer in those MacDonalds adverts – and in the words of the League of Gentlemen's Papa Lazaru – You're my wife now!

Lizzie and I would like to thank you all for being here to share in our special day. We do appreciate seeing everyone here today, some having travelled from as far afield as Azerbaijan, Cornwall, London and Billy Mill. We hope you are all enjoying the day as much as we are.

There are also members of both sides of the family and friends who couldn't be present for various reasons, but our thoughts and love go out to all who weren't able to join us today for our wedding. A notable absentee is my dad who sadly wasn't well enough to attend today. I spoke to him this morning and he sends his best wishes.

Thanks to the registrar for his time, emails and ‘phone calls to ensure the ceremony went just as we would have hoped. Thanks to the photographer, the florist, the DJ, Mark for his table plan designs and not least the staff at Dissington.

Many thanks to Linda &amp Alan for kindly agreeing to give the readings in the ceremony. It meant a lot to us to have you both read those pieces which we'd carefully chosen to help express our own sentiments.

Thank you all for the lovely cards and generous gifts we have received – we will obviously be writing to you all after the honeymoon to thank you individually. There were a lot of touching words on our gift list website, but special mention must go to the guests whose gifts included a milk frother and 2 measuring jugs who added the comment “A pair of jugs and frothy milk.” along with an email type smiley face!

Thanks are due to my Dad and Lizzie's parents for giving us our start in life, and for the love, support, advice and guidance they have given us over the years. Also for putting up with us and pointing us in the right direction, and more recently for their advice &amp help both practical &amp financial with the wedding.

Sadly, my mum is no longer with us, but I know she thought a lot of Lizzie and that she would be very proud and absolutely delighted to see Lizzie and me getting married here today.

Janis, it's traditional to give you flowers at this stage but we both wanted to give you something a bit more permanent – I've got here a voucher for you to get a tattoo of your choice at Big Steve's Tattoo parlour on Westgate Road. Seriously though, I believe there's something you'd particularly like us to bring you back from New Zealand so I hope you don't mind waiting a few weeks for your gift.

Thanks to the ushers Dave &amp Mark for their organisation skills in keeping things running smoothly – you have both done a great job and managed to keep the rabble in order without the need for violence.
Gifts

Normally, it's the duty of the best man to get the groom to the venue on time, fully dressed and stone-cold sober. As soon as I chose Olly for my best man, however, I knew that the roles were likely to be reversed. Still, one out of three's not bad, is it? Thanks Ol for organising a cracking stag do and in anticipation of your speech to come. I would like to present Olly with a gift for being my best man and good friend.
Gift

Thanks to the bridesmaids who both look gorgeous today. As well as helping Lizzie out today Helen organised Lizzie's hen do and Hilary has been a lifesaver in terms of organising things locally when we were stranded in Hertfordshire.
Gifts

And with that I'd ask you to charge your glasses and be upstanding for a toast to the bridesmaids.

Well I could stand here and give you a load of stale old jokes, but instead I think I'll leave that to the best man.

Olly I'm sure will manage to embarrass me with tales from days of old, dating from the present back to when we first met while working at FujiFilm in the mid ?0’s and no doubt beyond.

I should point out that Olly only has one fault – he's never been one to let the truth get in the way of a good story. So I would just like to say that while it's true we did both travel to Peru &amp Vietnam, the incident with the flying helmet, the lettuce &amp the bath of baked beans never took place, oh and he's a compulsive liar.

Without further ado, I give you Olly – the best man.

Andy's Groom Speech – Notes

Time it, 5 3-10 minutes is long enough – 8 on first run-through! Use heavy paper, alternate colours for each paragraph, underline key words, stick to one shot, don't try to be too clever

“On this day” – historical information which can be related in some way to the people involved in the wedding, particularly the Bride and Groom – echo one or the other of their personal characteristics or interests, items which are similar to them in some way or which maybe are even totally opposite to them, or perhaps something that inadvertently speaks about marriage in a way which is interesting or amusing. you are allowed to stretch the truth for comic effect

Failed jokes: “Only me on that one then”, or glancing round at imaginary assistant: “Start the car!” Or try something like, “I was running that gag in for another groom. I'll tell him to bin it.”

Think of something funny before you start, locate friendly faces, exaggerate lip movements and intonation, take a drink from your glass of water when you get a laugh, don't talk while looking at your notes.

Play off soppy bits against funny bits – alternate your sincere observations with little bits of humour ping-pong – avoid long anecdotes

Play up to stereotypes of lucky, shiftless and under the thumb – catchy words and humour, but no real depth

Add-ins – anything funny, dramatic or accidental that's happened during the day.

PAUSE HERE where pause is required