Speech by Andy

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andy
Speech Date: Sep2005
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to witness a unique event in history. This is the very first and very last time that Emma is going to let me speak on behalf of us both, and it's an honour and a privilege to do so.

I‘ve been told that a good speech should be like a miniskirt – short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the essentials – so I shall bear that in mind as I waffle on.

My wife and I would like to welcome you here today and we hope you have a great time. Nobody here's from Farnham so we appreciate everyone travelling to get here – there's nothing like a Friday off work and the lure of free booze and grub to attract a crowd! Thanks to Emma's family who have travelled down from up north, and a special mention to Nana Jenny who made the trip down south aged 91…….hitch hiked all the way…fantastic! I have family here from Wales and my mate Grant has come all the way from New Zealand to be here.… Admittedly, he's been living in London for the best part of 10 years, but technically speaking he IS a Kiwi and he DID come over here so I'm claiming it! But on behalf of Emma and I, thanks to all of you for sharing in our special day – it just wouldn't be the same without you.

In planning my speech, I've looked far and wide for intelligent and witty inspiration, but in the end I was struck by something that Homer Simpson said. When asked what marriage is like he said: and I'm not going to attempt an impression – I've got the body off to a tee but the voice I just can't do! Homer said..

"Marriage is like being married to your best friend."

"And he lets you touch his boobs."

But with respect to Homer, I like to think that Emma and I will have a bit more to our life together than that, although don't get me wrong, it's a great start! I knew that Emma was going to look stunning in her dress today but nothing could have prepared me for just how beautiful she looked when she was walking down the aisle towards me. I love her so much and was so proud when she agreed to be my wife and I couldn't be prouder than I am today, standing here as her husband. She makes me feel so happy and complete that I can't contemplate my life without her at the centre of it.

But Emma is a bit like David Blaine in that she's created the illusion that I had a significant say in the planning of today. To be fair, I've done my bit, listening intently, nodding and agreeing at all the right moments, but its been Emma who has worked harder than anyone to make this all run smoothly, so I'd like to thank her so much for making today such a success. And for turning up!!

Thanks also to both sets of parents for their love, support and cold hard cash, which has made today possible.

Thanks to Emma's Mum and Dad for making me feel so welcomed into their family from day one, and I'm just so sorry that your wine and cheese bill has trebled since I became a part of your life. Thanks to my own parents as well. On a very personal and fundamental level, thanks to Dad for chasing Mum round the bed all those years ago, and thanks to mum for letting him catch you. You have always been there for me – bailing me out of a few hair-brained schemes with wallets opened wide and arms opened wider. I love you both loads.

Now for some strange reason, custom dictates that the Groom has to present his defence before he's had the opportunity of hearing the Best Man making the case for the prosecution. I have no idea what stories Ian is planning on telling you about me, but if YOU knew what I know about what HE knows about my 31 years – you'd be as worried as I am! As my character is so unblemished he might have to resort to making something up, so please take anything he tells you with the appropriate pinch of salt. But having said that, I've known Ian all my life and he's been a fantastic mate and a top best man. He organised the best stag do ever, which will live long in the memory – I don't know whose though, as we were pissed for 4 days solid and no-one can remember a thing! Which has proved quite convenient under fierce female cross-examination on our return. But thanks mate – I owe you one.

I'd also like to thank my Groomsman – Mr Lover Lover or Dirty Wopstick or even Adrian as he's sometimes known, for all his help today. I can't get over how well he's scrubbed up. Any of you that know Ady will know that he usually looks as if he's got dressed in front of an aeroplane propeller.Anyway, he's footloose and fiance free so I'm sure you'll see him in action later on, when the softer lighting suits his more predatory instincts!

Finally, I'd like to say a word of thanks to the bridesmaids. You look amazing and did your jobs magnificently, and it goes without saying that Emma will use you every time she gets married from now on. And to Lisa especially, I know how much Emma relies on your love and advice all year round, and never more so than today, so thanks again.

So, as is traditional, can you please be upstanding..… and raise your glasses for a toast to the bridesmaids..… to Lisa, Milly and Hannah!