Speech by Andy

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Andy
Speech Date: 09/02/2018 11:33:17

And so it begins.

If you need to know what that means, please ask my son after, and if do know then I'm sure you will agree.

A beginning, I have read, is a very delicate time so I would firstly, on behalf of my beautiful wife and I <pause for applause> thank you all for being here to make this beginning so special for us both.

Our families and friends have travelled from all over England to be here, from Essex in the deep South to Sunderland in the darkest North, eh Alan? We both really appreciate you all taking the time out of your lives to celebrate the beginning of our life together.

One does not simply walk down the aisle and I have many of you to thank for getting us here. I will mention a few but I hope you will forgive me if I don't mention you all by name. For the help, support, kind words and generous gifts we have received the names of the many outweigh the names of the few, but my little speech is shoehorned in between John's good words and Rob's fantastic and doubtless delusional ramblings to come. So I need to keep this reasonably short, something I'm obviously not built to do.

Writing this speech was not an easy thing as any of you who have ever done this sort of thing will know. Back in Newcastle I would have shared a large whiskey with Christopher's old friend Charlie and knocked the ideas back and forward long into the night till Charlie finished his first glass. This time I have had to improvise by myself for which I hope you will forgive the results, Charlie was the brightest of the two of us and usually had the most to contribute. (Charlie is a large stuffed alligator.)

Firstly, and while this will sound a little tactical, I'm sure you will agree with me that their role in getting this wedding sorted has been a central one.  Michelle. My amazing bride is responsible for most of what you see today. Weddings can be very complicated things to arrange but fortunately for me her parents assured me she'd started planning this when she was age nine. I'm fairly laid back about such things outside of work and was initially delighted to have things organised around me. After a month or two I started to show my natural curiosity for what was about to happen in my life but soon discovered that once the avalanche has started, it's too late for the pebbles to vote.

To be honest, given my pensions back ground, this would have been far less romantic if I'd been organising it. Something along the lines of this is the receipt for your husband and this is my receipt for your receipt would have been my first starting point. I should also add that whilst I might stand up to do presentations from time to time at work I'm not used to all this attention! The actuarial indices relevant for guaranteed minimum pension same sex equalisation with specific reference to the barber window can usually render the most hardened pensions professional into a torpid, glazed-over wreck within a few minutes leaving me to pop up the power point end slide and nip out for a nice cup of tea. See, you are all still looking at me, I'm not used to this.

Mind you, if I'd had a hand in the vows, I'd have made sure Michelle promised to always be clean and tidy up after herself <pause for knowing nods from her friends>, not to play her music too loud or own any unapproved pets. In fact, just like in the roommate agreement she signed back on 1st November 2013, and witnessed by her father. I'm sure it was just an oversight on my behalf but it never seems to have been cancelled. Given that we had only met for the first time just a few days earlier I thought it would be a nice romantic gesture to get it framed for her side of the bed. The fact that the items I previously mentioned, items in this apparently still legal contract, have been highlighted in yellow is purely coincidental.

My friend David's wife Janet recently said, with regard to my fiancé, “Andy you are punching so far above your weight”, but, and this is a dangerous thing to do, I disagree. It goes way beyond that. But I'm a geek at heart so to put it in my terms, in this galaxy, there is a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets; and in all of the universe, three million, million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of you. And I found you. How lucky is that?

What I am trying to say is Michelle, you look more stunning today than even I could have imagined! I feel incredibly proud and lucky to be able to refer to you as my wife and today, my princess bride.

Next, and obviously so, I have to offer my thanks to Karen, John and Amanda for making me feel so welcome in their family. If you think I look scared now you should have seen me just before I was taken to meet her parents for the second time. To qualify that, the first time was when I helped John man handle his daughter's bed into my flat and so it's probably best for the first meeting to be skipped for diplomatic reasons.

Needless to say, my fears were totally unfounded and now, with their warmth and support I am finding that Steeton isn't just somewhere to live but a real family home too. Those that know me can tell you how much I have missed having a proper home for many years now and I cannot be more grateful for the gift of their welcome to me into their home and lives. Initially I'd have been happy with a mug of tea and a slice of cake but you know what it's like when a South Shield's lad gets in the door and now I have one of their beautiful daughters too. We've got Karen a small memento of the day but with it I'd just like add it would always fall short of thanks I should give for your kindness.

While I am on the subject of parents, I have to risk the wrath of my new mother-in-law on my wedding day by saying that there's someone here who means more to me, and that's my mum. Lindy has had to put up with a lot with me over the years and it's always a pleasant surprise that I remain the favourite! I had to be recovered from a police cell, chased down after wandering miles away, chastened for almost burning down the park bandstand and put straight after trying to pinch a submarine. In my defence it was Stingray! So, as you'll appreciate, she pretty much had her hands full and by the time I hit ten, well, we just don't have time for all that.

Suffice to say, my mum and my little sister Sophie have always been there for me. I perhaps haven't called upon their wisdom as often as I should but knowing that it was there kept me going. What most you won't know is that it's entirely due to my mum's generosity that we have our new house together to share and that's something I can never forget. Thank you. For Sophie, an extra apology, as with every year that goes by it must get more and more embarrassing to admit that her older brother still plays with toy soldiers… we have a little something here for you mum to cushion the blow of another Christmas present and birthday to remember.

Lastly and obviously not in any possible category least, I want to thank my son Chris for his unflappable support, dry humour and big hugs that have seen me safely through life to where you find me now. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching – they are your family. So he qualifies in every sense.  I'd be a different man without him, if I'd be here at all. As a kid we gamed often together and I never let him win for free. Now he's a man he takes great pleasure in thrashing me at every new computer game out. I'm proud of that. After all these years it still feels great to hear those magical words, “What are we going to do tonight, dad?” Michelle and I have something to enhance your gaming avatar but you'll have to wait a few minutes as Robert is suffering the same fate and I don't want to tip my hand just yet.

Gentlemen, I am sure you will agree with me that it's every man's ambition to be the reason for the smile on the face of a beautiful woman and you couldn't have missed the simply stunningly pretty ladies that shared a smile with me as they led my bride into the ceremony. Whilst Michelle looks amazing it's obvious to me now that she had to be, it must have been a very difficult job outshining these graceful bridesmaids. Thank you ladies, for looking so beautiful today, for looking after Michelle, sorting her hen do and bridal shower and the thousands of other little things that it takes to get us here today. Also, for also welcoming me into your circle. And for stopping her doing a runner earlier this morning, it is all very much appreciated.

It is therefore at this point that I'd like you all to raise your glasses and join me in toasting Amanda, Amber, Charlene, Kayleigh and Kim who are, without doubt, the prettiest bridesmaids to walk down the aisle.

The bridesmaids! So say we all.

I won't keep you long now but I do have the usual Friday announcements to make. In way of brief explanation I am privileged to have a group of friends who have stuck together since I was a school kid and the glue of our friendship has been the Friday Night Game at which they have permitted me to torture them with Dungeons and Dragon, lead them through Middle Earth, The Fairland and even at one point post-apocalypse Poland. That one's a story shorter than it should have been, thanks Alan.

Granted I might know them as Fordango, Svekk, Penmar or a certain Dutch engineer at the games table but we are all dreamers, shapers, singers and makers and there is always a little bit of magic when you take a new name.

Anyway chaps…

For the regular Friday night posse the usual rules apply. You all get one XP for attending, one for advancing the plot and Rob gets a title and extra one for heroic actions in keeping with the story. (That's crass bribery in case you missed it, Rob). With regard to the Edinburgh foray, you also all get one for completing a relevant subplot without casualties. I don't count.

I must warn you all though that rarely, on this occasion, for the rest of the day combat experience awards will be negative. You can cash them in next session when you are Knights of the Dinner Table once more.

Right, that's me done, I'll finish by sharing that I have found in my years on the road, I think John might agree with me on this. That no matter how you travel through this world, by foot, plane, on a camel named You Bastard across the Sahara like my son, by ship, train, car or HGV across Europe like John, the journey is light if you can find the right hand to hold. It's the one that squeezes back when you're scared, is warm in the cold, pulls you towards the fairground rides and pulls you back from the edge. When you find yours, like I have now found mine, don't let go. Don't ever let go.

It now gives me butterflies again to hand your over to my best man Rob, who, we have already established has great difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy. So, in the hope of pushing him over the edge just a teeny bit further, I have arranged for the title I mentioned earlier to be made just a little bit real. Please permit me to present Lord Robert Penman of Sealand.

It's OK Rob, I didn't want to give you a hostile audience so I haven't mentioned you were from Lancashire