Speech by Austin Ralphson

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Austin Ralphson
Speech Date: oct 2002
Wedding Speech

I was really, really nervous about standing up here and speaking, suffice to say this is not first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece paper in my hand.

I'd like to start by thanking you all on behalf of my wife and I for being here
with us today. I know some of you have travelled quite a distance to be here in order that you might share this really special day with us, and both Clair and I are delighted to see you.

I would like to thank my Dad and Les for their kind words and thoughts. I hope the mix of strong Southern and Northern accents wasn't too off-putting.

I did have a great speech worked out for you, but as I am now married, my wife has told me what to say instead. I have managed to sneak in a few bits of my own, however.

Firstly, I'd like to introduce you to a new addition to the English language – the “Clairism”. I have gradually become more fluent in this unusual form of speech over the 8 or so years that Clair and I have been together.

It all started about 5 years ago when Clair and I were in a bar in town. I ordered a beer for me and her usual tipple (Bacardi and Coke), and when the barman asked “would you like ice with that?” her reply was “No, just some frozen water will be fine, thanks!” This was the birth of the Clairism.

Since then, she has explained to me that you should “reverse backwards up the street” (how else can you reverse?), but the best one was said only last week.

We were driving through town and I was getting annoyed by a rattle in the dashboard of my car. I asked Clair what she thought was making the noise and she replied “I don't know, but it sounds just like a dead wasp”.

Despite her unusual way with words, though, I would like everybody here, especially Clair, to know how lucky and proud I am to be standing here today speaking to you as her husband. She is beautiful, caring, intelligent, charming and (PAUSE)….hang on, Clair, I can't read this bit! Due to the number of phone calls between Clair and her mum, BT have asked me to thank you both on their behalf!

Seriously, though, there are quite a few people I would like to thank, who have all helped to make today such a happy event.

Firstly I would like to thank both sets of parents, as neither Clair nor I would be here today if it weren't for them. I would like to thank you for the unending love, support, and encouragement you have given us over the years. You have always been there for us with advice, help and guidance.

Many of you may have been wondering why we have waited so long before we married. The main reason is that it has taken Les this long to sufficiently lace the wedding cake with brandy! We have Clair's mum to thank for making the cake, and have got a replacement bottle of brandy for Les (present bottle).

My Dad has been so worried about the amount of brandy going into the cake, that he's polished off all the whisky, so we've got a replacement bottle of that as well (present bottle)!

Next we come to the bridesmaids, all of whom look so beautiful today. Thank you for your support and help with everything. Also, to the ushers – thanks for the best ushing I've seen in a long time!

I would like to thank my best mate and best man Fergus. We met 11 years ago at Priestley College and have experienced many, many happy times together (hopefully now, he'll be gentle with me in about 5 minutes!).

I would like to thank the musicians who have made the proceedings so special. To Peter (who played the piano for the meal), and to the brass quintet, who sounded wonderful in the church.

I think a special mention should be made to a good mate of mine, Paul Andrews. As you can see (stand up, Paul), he has been tearing his hair out with worry about the music for today! Seriously, Paul – thanks for arranging all of the music in the church and later on when we hear the brass group.

Finally, I would like to thank you all for your kind words and support for Clair and myself and for the wedding presents that you have so kindly given.

I would like to end with a few suggestions to Clair for our future life together. These are taken from the book “The differences between man and wife”:

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up – you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently beforehand

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

And with that I'd ask you to charge your glasses and be upstanding for a
toast to the bridesmaids.
I give you the bridesmaids.