Speech by Bill Irvine

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Bill Irvine
Speech Date: sep 2003
Thanks Bob.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I know youre expecting a few laughs in this speech. I
also know I need to tread carefully so I don't upset my new parents in law
and have Fiona going round introducing me to everyone as her "first
husband".

My wife and I would like to thank you all for coming here today to help us
celebrate our wedding.

One of the nice things about weddings is that they bring together friends
and family from all over the place and today is no exception.

I know that when Bob saw our guest list, with addresses in California,
Northern Ireland, the South of England and the whole of Scotland, he was
delighted, as he was convinced most of you wouldn't make the effort to turn
up. Those strange noises you have been hearing throughout dinner was in fact
his wallet groaning in agony. Thank you Bob and Evelyn for all your help
leading up to today for hosting dinner here and for bringing up such an
amazing daughter as Fiona. I am proud to be your son in law and immensely
proud to be able to call her my wife.

Thanks also to my parents for everything and they know what I mean by
everything. They have always given me the best opportunities in life and
been incredibly generous and always pretended to forget about all the little
things sons sometimes do that are best forgotten about.

Moving swiftly on…

Thank you all for the wonderful presents you have sent us. We've been
overwhelmed with your generosity and kindness. You may have guessed from the
the table names today that tomorrow morning we are heading off to
Switzerland for some skiing and some serious relaxation. We're going to be
away for a couple of weeks so we wont actually be opening any of your gifts
for a while so all I ask is that you tell us tonight if you've sent us
anything perishable like food or a kitten.

I must say Thank You to our two ushers, Craig and Graeme. Although neither
of them have any prior experience as bouncers, it's fairly self evident that
they've done a terrific job at handling the papparazzi today and I for one,
haven't seen even one Hello! Magazine photographer on the premises all day.
Well done guys.

Thanks Donald for agreeing to be best man and for saying grace today.

At this point I should perhaps mention the rare tropical medical condition
which he picked up in South Africa some years ago which makes him prone to
embellishment. It means he often invents the most amazing, unreal stories,
which he completely believes to be true. I hope that you will all bear this
in mind when he stands up to speak in a few moments.

To my beautiful, clever, funny and kind wife. I cant believe how lucky I am
to be married to someone so fantastic.

When Fiona & I got engaged, a lot of people reacted with the words "It's
about time!"

I've been thinking to myself these past weeks, why DID it take so long for
us to get hitched?

Well, outside the cathedral today, I was talking to one of Fiona's friends
and she told me that, according to Fiona, its all about maturity. She had
asked Fiona why we hadnt got married sooner and Fiona's response was
this…..…

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out as grapes. Its our job to
stamp on them and then keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with….."

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my eternal good fortune that Fiona's taste in
wine is cheap, unrefined, and immature.

Before I sit down, I would like to propose a toast to the second prettiest
girl at my table. Nicola has been popping up and down between here and
London quite regularly the last few months helping us plan and prepare for
today. I think Fiona is very lucky to have a bridesmaid who is not only a
skilled leg waxer and personal shopper but also looks great and has done a
great job today.

To Nicola.