Speech by Chris Dunne

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Chris Dunne
Speech Date: nov 2002

Thank you George for those kinds words.…

When I woke this morning I knew there was something special I had to do today. Then I remembered what it was – make a speech. It just took me a moment or two to remember why. So if I seem to have been sitting here mumbling to myself, it's because I've been going over the ABC and XYZ of speeches in my mind. ABC is Always be Confident, and XYZ means eXamine Your Zip.

Ladies and gentlemen, family & friends – I will admit to being alittle nervous about making my speech today. When I was preparing it I felt a bit like a Sheik walking into his Hareem for the first time, I knew what to do, I just didn't know where to start. [PAUSE] I once heard someone start a speech by asking, “Can you all hear me?” A voice shouted back, “Yes, but I'd be happy to change places with someone who can't.” So I'm sure you'll understand if I don't risk that one.

Then I was going to start by saying, “I won't keep you very long,” but then I remembered that was how Henry VIII used to start his wedding speeches and I didn't want Julia to get the wrong idea.

But I will try to be brief. However, I do have one or two things I'd like to say and so many people to thank that you might think you've walked into an Oscar ceremony by mistake, so please relax and bear with me for a few minutes. Loosen your clothing if it helps – but don't start trying to loosen anybody else's – I'm afraid it's not that kind of party.

I finally decided to start by saying, On behalf of my wife and I [PAUSE] I would like to welcome you all here today, thank you for coming, and saying how pleased we are that you could be with us to help celebrate our big day. There are times when it's good to be surrounded by the people who are important to you, and for us today is one of those occasions.

Special thanks must go to the vicar [Charles] for conducting the ceremony, and who, I am pleased to say, was able to join us for the reception. (And for having a discrete word with his boss to arrange such great weather!)

Unfortunately it is not possible for everyone to be here who we would have liked to have with us on a day such as today. As some of you will know, I'm thinking particularly of my late father, Owen, and brothers Eugene, Joseph and Anthony, who have been much in my thoughts today. So with them in mind, would you all please stand, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to absent friends.
Ladies and gentlemen – the toast is, “Absent Friends.”

We would also like to thank you all for the wonderful wedding gifts you have given us. We will of course be thanking you all individually for your generosity but I wanted to take this opportunity of saying publicly that we realise how lucky we have been. I'm sure you would also like me to thank Niall for the superb food we have just enjoyed. We did briefly consider doing the speeches before we ate so that we could relax more, but when it came to it none of us actually had the guts to stand up and face a hungry crowd.

I'd like to offer my congratulations on a job well done to all those who played their parts so well during today's ceremony. That's my Best Man David, who I shall return to in a moment, Kirsten & Clare for the wonderful reading, plus the Ushers [Joe, Paul, Warren, Damon, Aaron, Tony and my two ex-housemates Roy & Martin] and of course Julia's Bridesmaids Georgina, Sarah, Clare and Rachael – don't they look lovely?
The girls also did a very special job for me today – staying close to Julia to make sure she couldn't change her mind and run away at the last moment. I didn't really expect her to, but when you've found somebody very special you don't want to take any chances.

A ten-year-old girl once said about marriage, “No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you only get to find out later who you're stuck with.” Which could explain a lot. For anyone who doesn't know the story, Julia and I met in January whilst skiing in Verbier. We were in the same party but we hadn't met before the trip.

Love at first sight? Well we certainly hit it off on the first day and proceeded to spent the rest of the holiday together. Julia moved in with me straight after the holiday and we were engaged within five weeks. At least we knew her parents couldn't object on the grounds that we were moving too fast. They got engaged after two weeks – and they've now been married for 44 years. I'd like to congratulate them on the wonderful daughter they produced, and to assure them that I will look after her

While I'm at it, I should also thank my mother for the wonderful son she produced – but mostly I'd like to thank her, and of course my father, for the way they looked after him, brought him up and gave him a good start in life. We have here some flowers for the two Mums, together with small gifts for the Bridesmaids, the Best Man and the Ushers – our way of saying, ‘Thank you,’ for everything.

I will admit though that I'm hoping to be at least halfway to Italy for the honeymoon before Julia's dad realises he's now married to a mother-in-law, and that it's my fault.

Without doubt though, the most important ‘Thank You’ I have to say today, is to my new Bride. [Pause] Julia, you look absolutely gorgeous. ‘Thank you’ for marrying me and making me so happy. I realise that I'm getting the best of this deal, because I get you while all you get is me, so I would like to drink my own private toast to you and to our future together. I know that today is the result of the best decision I have ever made, and I'll try my best to make sure that you can say the same thing. [Raise your glass and toast her]

I'm sure some of you have heard Julia say that I think more of Maxine, our German Shepherd than I do of her, and that I would have married Max given half the chance, but I'd like to dispel this myth right now. For a start she didn't make it to the church and secondly the vicar refused to perform the ceremony.

It has to be said, Julia has been rather more involved than I have in planning today, and I'd like to congratulate her on a fine job. Of course, wedding organisation has never been an equal opportunities business anyway, but she did let me sign the occasional cheque – which was nice?

Which brings me, reluctantly to the subject I've been putting off until last – my Best Man. Every Bridegroom needs a Best Man he can totally rely on, somebody organised who can take charge and make the day run smoothly – a person who is very serious and responsible. But what do you do if you don't know anybody like that? Well in my case I picked David.

He was totally enthusiastic until he read a full list of the Best Man's duties. The he turned white. “What's this about the Best Man being responsible for making any payments the Groom forgets?” he wanted to know. “I thought I was guesting at this event, not sponsoring it.” Don't panic David – your wallet is safe. As is the £10 you normally keep in it.

Actually, I'm the one who is panicking. For some strange reason, custom says that the Groom has to present his defence before he's had the opportunity of hearing the Best Man making the case for the prosecution. I have no idea what stories he is planning on telling you about me, and frankly I'm worried. Because my character is so unblemished he might have to resort to making something up and David's never been one to let the truth get in the way of a good story. So please take anything he tells you with the appropriate pinch of salt.

But it might be a good idea to at least pretend to listen politely. He has promised that if everybody laughs in the right places he'll do the short version of his speech – and I think that's in all our interests. For myself I shall probably just slide slowly under table – just to be on the safe side.

The golden rule of speeches is “Quit while at least some of the audience are still awake,” so that is exactly what I will do. So if the person next to you has nodded off please give them a nudge, as I know they wouldn't want to miss the toast.

So with that in mind, I'd like to finish with the traditional Bridegroom's toast to the Bridesmaids. So please stand and raise your glasses with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the toast is “Georgina Sarah, Clare and Rachael – the Bridesmaids.”