Speech by Chris Girling

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Chris Girling
Speech Date: Apr 2001
Tim, Ladies & Gentleman, on behalf of my wife and I, thank you for those kind words.

(i.e. the toast to us.)

While I am on my feet, I would very much like to thank you all for coming today, to share our wedding with us.

Especially those of you that have travelled a long way:

Emma & Colin, from Aberdeen,
Claire and Mike, and also Carol our mum here, and the girls, all from Derby
The Lancashire crew: Mary's Brother Phillip, & Celia. Geoff, and the lovely Jill, and George, & Celia – Mary's very old school friend, – sorry Celia, I could have phrased that better. Best keep an eye on this lot later lads, they'll not be used to proper beer!
Mum & George from Ben Rhydding – well it's a long way for them, they don't get out much y'know.
Mary's sister, Sue, from Burley in Wharfedale, – Andy doesn't let her out much y'know.
Adele, from Leeds General Infirmary, who, sadly, finished work today in time to go home and change out of her nurses uniform.
My sister Lesley, from Wolverhampton, and her daughter Hannah, who is studying poverty in Liverpool. Sorry, studying in poverty in Liverpool.
And last but not least, my lovely daughter Alexandra there, who has safely travelled here, today from whichever planet she was on this morning.

It is said that a great speech has a good beginning, a good ending, and most importantly, the two are as close together as possible.
Well tough luck! (Unfold notes, pause and smile at all tables.)

Now if you allow me, I'd like to speak briefly about the music Mary and I chose for our wedding today.

While we were waiting for my bride to arrive, those of you that weren't in the bar were entertained by a piece of Spanish guitar music by Rodrigo, introduced to me by my father, Eric, twenty odd years ago, it's called the Aranjuez concerto – As Keith here will tell you, it's called ‘orange juice’ in the film ‘Brassed Off.
For Mary and I, this music reminds us of a Finca, or small farm, in Northern Majorca, where we go to visit our friends Heather and Ian, friends who sadly cannot be with us today.
Along with Julie here, Heather is one of Mary's oldest friends in Yorkshire.
To both these women, I owe a great debt of gratitude, Julie: thank you, – – -for disapproving of a string of boyfriends over the years, and keeping Mary free for me to snap up today!! — Thank you!!

Mary was brought up on a farm
– Which reminds me to thank you, Marje, for bringing up such a lovely daughter, -and you George, thank you, you've done a fine job, she's a lovely girl.

Mary was brought up on a farm, and so she loves our time in Majorca, being a farmer – or rather, watching me being a farmer, -Y'see Mary has a new approach to farming, its the: – I don't get-up-until-half-past-eleven-and-I'm-doing-nothing-till-I've-washed-my-hair-and-had-a-coffee- approach

Just a quick story:

Two television aerials met on a roof fell in love, and got married. The wedding was good, but the reception was fantastic!

And one for Rowena here, my brother Andy's wife, fine woman:- a scientist:
Two hydrogen atoms in a bar. One say's: ‘I've lost my neutron. The other says – ‘are you sure?
First one say's: ‘I'm positive!’

Now, I would like to thank my family for two things. First, for the love and support they have given me over some bad times in the not long ago distant past, and second, for the welcome they have made for Mary in our family.
And by the same token, I turn to Mum and George, and thank all of your family, not just for the welcome you have made for me, but for Michael and Alex as well. Bless you

Y'know Mary: it's nice to see both my kids. (They are 18 & 14)
-In the same room.
-In between Christmas's.

The second piece of music is by Handel, from a short oratorio about the biblical character: ‘Solomon’,

It's called the “Arrival of the Queen of Sheba”.

Mary, I must say, I've never seen you looking as lovely as when I turned round and saw you arrive this afternoon.

(Turn to people & smile)

But I have seen her looking very lovely before. (Smile cheekily)

It was when I walked into a pub in Ilkley called the taps, and saw Mary there; – propping up the bar as usual, and, friends, she looked lovely, she looked fabulous, she looked Absolutely gorgeous, – she was dressed to kill,

it was shortly after, when I went round for a meal, that I found she cooked the same way! – Kidding, Hals, – which answers a question of yours Sue. –

Y'know there are two things about being my age, that is, -in your early forties, (- what do you mean? Eight is early – what time do you get up?) – The first is that you forget what you are going to say, and the s ——–

Errm, as I was saying, Mary looks lovely, do we agree? — Well, in no small part do we have the services of Mary's bridesmaid Alison to thank. Over the last few weeks Alison has helped both Mary and I, with Mary's accessories, her shoes, the flowers, and last but not least, the way that the stars of the show, us men, look today.

Alison you have been a massive help, – and you're not half as bossy as Tim says you are!

Just a quick story:
Mary and Alison out for a night on the town – before either of them were married women! They met a group of Dutch lads over to watch the footie. Alison fell for the one with inflatable shoes, – and got his phone number, but when she rang his hotel the next day, she heard he'd popped his clogs!

Our third piece of music is –

(Pause)
It's getting a bit like desert island disks this isn't it? – Oh – and before you ask, If I was to be stranded on a desert island, and offered a luxury, the luxury I would take is the lady sat next to me –
(Pause, look left right left, the point, smile and say:)
-This side! –
Just a quick story:
A Russian, a Frenchman and (Pause) – Mary! were walking along a beach, when one of them kicked a strange old bottle, washed up from the sea, and out of the bottle popped a- (Wait for audience reply!!)
(Don Genie hat!)
Correct!
The genie said:
“I've been trapped in that bottle more than one thousand years, and you have freed me. I will grant you each a wish, anything you want, as your reward.
Who's first?”
The Russian went first: He said;
“Please can I have freedom of speech and full employment in my lovely home country of Russia?
The Genie went: (wave arm, go po-u-u-sh) and said, ‘Nice thought that, – your wish is my command.
The Frenchman went next – he said;
“I would like a wall”
,-(in a horrid French accent)-
“I would like a wall, a very strong wall, a very high wall, at least 30m high, with no openings in it, all around my lovely home country, FRANCE – to keep out all the awful, atrocious, horrible foreigners”
Again the Genie went Po –o – o – u – sh (wave arm – say – it took a bit longer, big job) ‘Your wish is my command, French person’
The Genie then turned to Mary and said:
What is your wish, – oh pretty one?
Mary said:
You know that wall you've built around France? -?
“Tip the North Sea into it – will you?
”Y'see, Mary doesn't like the French.
It's a farmer's daughter thing. It's about the damage the French government and farmers have done to the British farming industry over the years.
This left me with a problem about our third piece of music.
It's French
The flower duet, – beautiful piece,- from an Opera called Lakme by a bloke called Delibes. I only found out when I got the CD out to bring to the hotel.
What will Mary say??
I thought that would be about as obvious as the punch line in a joke about Anne Robinson refereeing a fight between Sigmund Freud and Karl Jung.
(I'm not explaining that) – ever!
What will Mary say?
Well with either the wisdom of the aforementioned Solomon, or some perverse Lancashire logic, it turns out that Mary say's Delibes is OK, ‘cos he wrote this in 1883 when apparently, we didn't particularly dislike the French!
On a serious note, Mary has operated a one-woman boycott of French goods, and produce for as long as I've known her. In support of our farmers, and has asked me to point out, that this is why we are serving Spanish and Italian wines at our wedding here today. And if anyone asked for the French mustard, -the waiters will be passing your name on.
(Pause) – aside – About halfway, timer-
So: – We'd like to thank you all for the wonderful wedding presents you have been kind, or daft enough to send or bring, -and to those of you who are possibly now regretting the purchase of fine French wine, or even Champagne, – worry not, our morals are easily defrayed in the case of presents! It's OK;
(Pause)
Indiana Jones. – Its proper name is the Raiders March.
Raiders are like burglars, and the worst burglars I know are beer burglars. For those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to a person at a party, or dance, who, on finding the bar has shut, and themselves without drink, goes around pinching pints from the tables of those people on the dance floor.
Despicable!
Well, Mary has promised me we will be leaving the hotel before last orders, so she‘ll not be up to her usual tricks tonight!
Now Mary and I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, – and got more nervous and more scared the nearer it came. As some of you know, we had planned to elope, with Tim and Alison's help, and get married in secret.
HOW it's developed into this, we don't know, but it's marvellous, and I hope Mary, and all of you, are enjoying the day as much as I am, and will continue to do so.
I mention our nerves, because it's the reason for choosing our last piece of music.
Indiana Jones, I ask you!
There's no great significance in the choice for either of us: We aren't Indiana Jones’ trekkies or anything, it was chosen to make you lot laugh, stop us to from getting too serious, & lighten the mood, Mary's idea, and a good one. The looks on some of your faces!
Luckily, the title also leads me to recall an Ancient American Indian poem I came across during my extensive travels in the Mid-West.
(Aside):
For your information Michael – For those of you that haven't met him, this is my son Michael, for your information Michael, – my travels in the mid-west, were shortly after my career as a crocodile wrestler came to an end, and just before I became an attack helicopter pilot in the middle east.
(Family thing that everyone, – sorry, but he needed to know.)
Back to my Poem; The Words of the Ancient American Indians.
This is dedicated to my Daughter Alex's little bedroom at Halsall Towers, – remember Clare?
(Put on headdress)
The Words of the Ancient American Indians
This is a poem about marriage.
Now you will feel no rain
For each of you will be shelter to the other
Now you will feel no cold
Each of you will be warmth to the other
Now there will be no loneliness
Not with your two murdering cats, Michael, Alex, and Tony's work ringing all the time, there won't be, that's for sure!
Now, I'd like to finish with a bit about Mary and I, but first, can I have another quick story? It's about my little sister.
Well, when Kate and Julian got married, – she won't remember this, but I got them as a present, a cute little puppy dog!
The first day, Kate goes home, and finds the dog – in his basket, chewing one of her favourite shoes:
THAT'S ONCE! Shouted Kate, and the dog runs off and hides behind the sofa.
The second day, She goes home, opens the kitchen door, and finds wood splinters all over the floor. The dog, has chewed the chair leg off!
THAT'S TWICE! goes Kate, and the dog shoots off again
Next day, Kate comes home, (sniff) – yes a steaming pile, on the new rug
THREE! Shouted Kate, put the dog in the car, – down the Vets – and off with his nadgers – sorry Marje – (pause) – she had him neutered.
Julian comes home. – Dog sat in his basket, looking sore, with a face as long as a weekend at Grandma's, and he says:
“Kate what's up wi't dog” (Julian's a Yorkshire lad – well, Cheshire, same thing.)
Kate says – I've taken that damn dog to the vets and had his nadg – sorry Marje –
And Julian piles in – “Oh Kate, that's really horrible, what's that poor dog done to you?’ You really shouldn't have done that “
And Kate looks him in the eye and says-: THAT'S ONCE!
I'd like to finish with a bit about us.
(Chuck out tissues)
Mary and I met. Went out together, became friends, fell in love. As we grew together, our friendship grew.
That friendship; is very, very important to me.
Mary thanks for marrying me, and thanks for being my best friend.
I love the sound of this: I've been practising: – not enough – or too much-
(Take Mary's hand,)
Mary – People: Today, I married my best friend. (Turn and kiss)
I've said enough now, except:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Alison, our Bridesmaid, with thanks.
– Drink !