Speech by Colin Chapman

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Colin Chapman
Speech Date: Nov2004
In the hope that I may save other grooms fretful nights of worry about writing their speech I furnish this, I probably will not need to use it again.. You are free to give it away at no charge, but if you are going to charge someone for it I insist you give a fair proportion to Save the Children fund. In fact if you are a groom that uses it or something like it I insist you do likewise if you can afford it.
My wedding speech is far from original.. and is formulaic in places. I have plundered from the texts displayed on this site, finely tuned and honed them and have produced what must be the best wedding speech by the groom ever. This worked well on the day despite a blistering speech by the father of the bride, and at the danger of overshadowing the speech by the Best Man a smidgeon. I may well have to start doing speech writing as a living, since I am currently underemployed !
I stand on the shoulders of giants.
A few tips here.. You must appreciate that everyone is there to be entertained, rather than embarrassed. Any slights of you made by the father of the bride in his speech ie references to shotgun trigger oil, DIY disasters must be taken in good spirit and with dignity, forbearance etc. In fact you should welcome it because it prepares the ground for you. (sympathy levels up) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DECK F.O.B – there are witnesses present. Any speech you deliver will be welcomed by those present as being funny, witty and comedy at its best. Anticipate this because you must allow for comedic timing,,, the guest must be allowed time to laugh at your wit. A good pause will even get a good laugh simply because nothing is being said. They are in your power, they will assume that they have missed a joke and will start laughing because THEY are nervous too and are willing you on…, rooting for you. Where there are ellipses in my text is where I anticipated pausing having delivered the punchline tho’ there were many other places I had to pause too.…
The devil is in the detail. ie My mention of Goldie Hawns birthday was due to the fact that FOB had this rather special thing for her, which those people who knew him well would recognize… Also it really was Goldie Hawns birthday UNDER no circumstance tell the guests that FOB has special thing for her! This week in history Boris Jonson MP was sacked from his shadow cabinet position not actually for having an extra marital affair but for not telling the leader of the opposition about it. He quoted Voltaire “Best of days in the best of Worlds” on tele and so reference to Voltaire in the speech was topical and introduces a frisson of tension on the tightrope of fidelity. (Pretentious Moi ?) What makes the speech funny is alluding to embarrassing things that could be said yet being gracious enough to not actually saying them.
NUMBER ONE TIP. A fancy waistcoat really does help. Choose a tasteful close swirling pattern, this has the psychological effect on the guests that everything you say is both witty and true.
Preparation for the speech starts by priming many of the guests beforehand by saying “You have been working on the speech for days and knowing that time is precious you have pared it down to the following ,,,,ie ”Thank you all. And. Have a good time this evening”`”
Web surfers I give you the groom..… ( AND at this point the actual speech.… names changed to protect the not-so-innocent )
21st November.
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At this point in the proceedings, it is customary for the groom to give a short speech … I have been encouraged by friends and family to pad it out a little at the edges..… clear throat.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lords and Ladies (Distinguished guests, those of lesser distinction, those of no distinction at all……) Family, relatives (old and new), in-laws and outlaws, friends, friends of friends, and those not in any of the previous categories, I thank you all for traveling to join us for our special day and offer you a big WELCOME to our wedding reception.)
This date in the calendar has been fairly inauspicious, lets see today is Voltaires birthday, he who has been famously quoted by Boris Jonson this very week… on this date Goldie Hawn was born and in 1783 French physician Jean-Franýois Pilýtre de Rozier and Franýois Laurent, the marquis d’ Arlandes, made the first untethered hot-air balloon flight, flying 5.5 miles over Paris in about 25 minutes. Their cloth balloon was crafted by the famous French origami champions – brothers Jacques-ýtienne and Joseph-Michel Montgolfier
(Father of the groom intercedes [unplanned] “He's got it all off the internet you know”). Give stern look to F.O.G cutting him short… Give pained expression, retort “DON'T give away all my secrets Father.” Give a look that means I WILL ensure a slow lingering death if you interrupt again.
… inauspicious until now. You are about to witness a unique event in history. This is the very first and very last time that Kathryn (whom I must say is looking particularly alluring) is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. It is a privilege and an honour to do so.
I would like to start by thanking Richard for his kind words and on behalf of everyone here I'd like to thank him for providing the wedding feast…, the wedding fund withstanding the onslaught by Newcastle United Season tickets. It was a small miracle that the toon was not playing at home today, otherwise we could not have guaranteed the attendance of their most avid fan, Enid. ( M.O.B )
It is not often you are able to tell your parents what you think of them in public so I take this opportunity … to commend both sets of parents for their love and fortitude during our upbringing, (tireless patience) and for the start they gave us in life,
I thank Richard and Enid for welcoming me into their family and the kindness and friendship they have proffered since we first met and for not locking their daughter up to keep her safe from me! so for providing me with my bride, without whom, today would have been a touch problematic… and for your good wishes for our future together, we thank you (present flowers).
[Shout loudly (wedding organizer not having brought flowers to hand…) I HAVE SOME FLOWERS TO PRESENT TO YOU.]
Also very worthy of mention is Ulrike, all the way from Munich, who acted as matchmaker, is responsible for bringing us together in the first instance and who performed the reading so well during the ceremony.
I wish to express our gratitude on behalf of my wife and I, to all those present for their generous gifts – I can't tell you what they mean to us until I get a call from the pawnbroker… and Hazel for her hard work preparing the wedding cake.
Kathryn and I have had a whirlwind romance. From our first meeting in Munich to today's proceedings it has been merely… fifteen years, making me the happiest man in England this day. I can tell you that I knew from the beginning that Kathryn was right for me and I'm glad it turned out to be mutual. We share many uncommon interests including getting lost walking in the Derbyshire dales and playing squash.
Now we need to sort out some paperwork…
A receipt.
Received one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed and warranted. Comes complete with extras. Keep topped up with expensive jewellery, and lubricate well with fine wine. Service regularly.. with lavish trips to exotic and FAR AWAY places
Care notes: Approach with caution when ManU win OR Newcastle United lose.
(Sister intercedes [unplanned], “You've not mentioned the chocolate”, Give sympathetic look as if to a simple fool reply “Chocolate,… Chocolate was what the Incas gave their sacrificial victims before they dispatched them” continue…
Not to be outdone my Dad has written out a receipt for Kathryn as well. It reads:
Received one son, sold as seen, mileage not validated, no refunds under any circumstances. We've redecorated the padded cell and changed the locks, so you're lumbered with him.
Care notes: de-hydrates easily, top up regularly with beer and any other alcoholic beverages.
Mostly I would like to thank the now Mrs. Kathryn Surname for agreeing to marry me in the first place as I can be a real ass at times! Kathryn, I knew you would look beautiful today and you took my breath away when you came down the aisle. I want everyone to know how lucky I am to marry someone so refined, intelligent, witty, kind, industrious, genuine, siz…..sorry, does … say sixty or sexy……….sorry, your writing's got a bit smudged there !
Will that do my love? I know this is the start of many happy years together.
OK, at this point I would like to state the obvious… that is how wonderful Liz and Megan, the bridesmaids, look today……….stand up you young women…….… I am obliged to you for a job well done in calming the nerves of the bride and for preventing her escape. (present gifts) Will you all charge your glasses and be upstanding for a toast to the bridesmaids……….the bridesmaids!
Now I would personally like to thank John X for agreeing to be my Best Man. He has promised that if everybody laughs in the right places he'll do the short version of his speech – and I think that's in everybody's interests.
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PS That's it. Enjoy your day. I recommend NOT drinking any alcohol just before the marriage ceremony itself. It creates a much better impression that you mean the words that you say. And later, well a small brandy and near half a bottle of champagne and a tube of a certain water based lubricant will make your wedding night something to remember.