Speech by Dave Cox

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Dave Cox
Speech Date: apr 2003
Breakfast

Thank you Jim, I must say, the week after I gave Elaine a Barclaycard, it
was stolen. I have never reported it as the person who stole is spends less
than she does

So, Ladies & Gentlemen distinguished guests, in laws, outlaws, friends and
anyone else I have not mentioned. Today 12th April has many things to be
remembered for. In 1930 Betty Clooney, Auntie of George was born. On this
day Actor Hardy Kruger was born. In 1946 Syria gained independence from
France, in 1963 the Beatles released "From me to you". In 1992 Euro Disney
was opened and in 1606 England adopted the Union Jack as its flag, but more
importantly today 7 Years ago Robert O'Neil was born. However, today, 12th
April 2003, will be remembered as the day you heard the finest wedding
speech you have ever heard. Which my best man Tony will deliver after this
one. So no pressure Tony. I should add that Elaine's explained that I should
keep this speech short because of my leg, If go on to long she has
threatened to break it again. Firstly, the disposable cameras on the tables
feel free to use them during the day, that's what they are there for, then
just return them to Elaine or me. We'll let you see the results in due
course.

The first people I would like to mention are three people who are no longer
with us, but I would have loved them to be here to share the day. Maurice,
Elaine's Dad. Alan & Kathy, my Mum and Dad. Wherever they are, I am sure
they are watching and enjoying this.

Secondly may I thank you all, on behalf of my wife and I for being here It's
a pleasure to see you all, some having travelled from as far a-field as
deepest darkest Wales. I must also thank you too for the cards, kind
thoughts and wonderful presents. In particular I would like to add thanks
for the 14 day Caribbean cruise, I say would like to thank, but as no one
got us one, I can't.

When I discussed the wedding list with Elaine, my only suggestion in between
"Yes dear" and "No dear" was a dishwasher, but she told me not to worry,
already got one, – Me! I'm just hoping that someone has bought us one of
those magic-washing baskets. Quite a few blokes I know have them. That's
the one you put your dirty laundry in and it appears a few days later in the
wardrobe washed and ironed.

I'd like to thank my Tony not only for being my best man, but more
importantly for putting me up. I arrived one dark winter's night, only
expecting to stay a couple of days, 12 months later, I was still there.
Still, he enjoyed my spicy pasta surprise, the surprise being the amount of
chilli sauce mixed in with the pasta.

As you all know, Elaine & I both work in IT (that's computer's to anyone
over 40) And so it won't surprise many of you to find that I looked for
advice about getting married on the Internet. I found some very practical
advice and I'd like to share the best two bits I found, firstly, those three
little words every woman wants to hear "Yes, buy it". Secondly is, a women
remember Birthdays, anniversaries & anything you have ever done wrong in
your life.

Elaine actually saw me years before we met. I was in a play called "Death
Trap" by Ira Levin, if you have seen the film it stars Christopher Reid and
Michael Cane. Anyway, I thought it was one of the worst plays I ever did,
everything went wrong on the opening night. I am not actually sure which
night Elaine saw it, but she enjoyed it. As well as Death Trap, she actually
saw my directorial debut, and I know this is one of Joan's favourites "The
Farndale Avenue Housing Estates Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society
production of a Murder Mystery". If you thought that was bad, Elaine
actually saw me on stage in the follow up "The Farndale Avenue Housing
Estates Townswomen's Guild Dramatic Society production of They came from
Mars and landed outside the Farndale Avenue Church Hall in time for tea &
crumpets at the Townswomen's Guild Coffee Morning". I had to take over from
one of the cast who was ill and I was Dressed size ten high heels, a dress
and a wig, a costume I was to repeat for Maghull Operatic in Broadway Nights
and she still married me. Every night I got a Cream cake in the kisser, a
feat she will be repeating in Singin in the rain this June, tickets on sale
soon.

So what about Elaine & me. When did we first meet? It was 1995 at Maghull
Operatic. Elaine and friends joined for "Pajama Game" in 1995. I have to
say, initially, I thought that Elaine was a bit strange. If you don't
believe me, try opening a bag of crisps the wrong way up in front of her,
and don't even think of putting one of her CD's back in the wrong order.

It was High Society in 2001 that brought us together, She was playing Tracy
Lord, and I was playing TK Dexter Haven. Everyone says they knew we were
destined to be with each other, The problem was we didn't realise it until
after everyone else did.

And so back to today, I would like to thank Michael, Matty & Robert for
being pages and for not playing football in their new trousers & jackets and
I have a small bag of goodies to keep them entertained for the rest of my
speech, I mean the rest of the day.

My thanks also go to Pat and to Sam for being bridesmaids, I think its easy
to say the look absolutely gorgeous and I have a little momento for each of
you to remind you of the day. and, as is tradition, I would like to propose
a toast to them both, Ladies & Gentlemen I give you, Pat & Sam

I'd like to read you a receipt I received from Elaine. Received one wife in
perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranted. Comes with all the
extras. I have to say the nurse's uniform is my favourite, but to be honest
it is a little bit tight on me. Care notes: gets bored easily keep busy with
constant supply of chores. Service regularly

(turn page)
with, jewellery, the music of Frank Sinatra & pictures of George Clooney, if
all else fails try Chocolate. If this fails try more chocolate & flowers.
In return my receipt to reads received one husband, sold as seen, no refunds
under any circumstances. Warning, the slight discoloration is dirt or paint,
which may come off with vigorous scrubbing. Care notes: de-hydrates easily,
top up regularly with red wine, vodka or Stella.

I must thank Joan for bringing up such a beautiful and intelligent daughter.
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? A little over 40 years ago
Elaine's mum was putting her to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening
all over again!

And now to the one person in this room to which I owe the most thanks is
Elaine, my
wife, she knows all about me and married me just the same. I am sure you
will all agree how stunning she looks today, its amazing what £65.00 can
buy. I don't mean the dress, She saw the flowers and just had to buy the
dress, shoes underwear & Jewellery to match. Seriously though, I can
honestly say I was overwhelmed when Elaine walked through the doors today,
and I would like everyone here today to know how happy I feel that Elaine
agreed to be my wife. She is beautiful, intelligent, charming- the list goes
on – but unfortunately I can't read the rest of her writing!!

But seriously though, to my wife, I would just like to say thank you for
marrying me even though you know all about my faults. Thank you for making
me very happy and for loving me as much as I love you. Thanks for making
today the happiest day of my life.

I might thank Tony for his speech later once I have heard it! I should point
out that Tony only has one fault you should remember he's never been one to
let the truth get in the way of a good story. So I would just like to say
the incident with the flying helmet and the wet lettuce & the bath of baked
beans never took place, oh and he's a compulsive liar.

Evening

Ladies & Gentlemen, distinguished guests, in laws, outlaws, friends, Mark
Duffy
I am going to keep this brief, less than the three pages this afternoon.

On behalf of my wife and I, I would like to thank you for attending this
evening. For those who attended during the day, sorry, if you hear the same
jokes again.

Firstly I would like to say we are sorry, sorry we couldn't invite you all
to the ceremony and breakfast this afternoon, We both wished we could have
shared the whole day with you all. I am sorry too that this room only holds
150, as we could have easily invited 300. Still, we decided that the people
we would invite to the day would probably buy us the most expensive presents
so the choice was easy! Only kidding!

I should point out here that we have had our first argument as husband and
wife, I said "I do", she said "Oh no you don't"

Secondly I would like to thank you all for the wonderful gifts and presents,
in particular I would like to add thanks for the Caribbean Cruise, I say
would like to thank but as no one bought us one, I cant.

Thanks to everyone who has made today what it is, Jim for giving Elaine
away, Pat & Sam for being bridesmaids, Tony my best man, for looking after
me, Louise for pinning people with flowers without drawing blood,, Marilyn
for looking after the Music, Martin for the photographs, John for the other
photos, Ste for the Video and last but by no means least Joan for bringing
up such a lovely daughter.

Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? A little over 40 years ago
Elaine's mum was putting her to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening
all over again!

Well that's, it we've got the presents, you've got your food, enjoy the rest
of the night and don't forget that tickets for Singin in the Rain are on
sale soon.

On behalf of my wife and I, thank you and goodnight.
Dave Cox