Speech by Eddie Paku

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Eddie Paku
Speech Date: Apr2005
I hope you excuse me for reading straight from my notes as wine and concentration doesn't go hand in hand so with that,
Welcome Ladies &amp Gentlemen distinguished guests, in laws, outlaws, friends and anyone else I have not mentioned. Yesterday, in history on April 15th 1912, the Titanic sunk which would explain that sinking feeling I had all yesterday.
But today in history on the 16th April 1964, some of the longest sentences in British criminal history were imposed on men involved in the so@called “Great Train Robbery”. And so it is on that same date today in 2005, another long term life sentence has also been handed down.
However, today, 16th April 2005 will not be remembered for that but as the day you heard the finest wedding speech you have ever heard. Which my best men, Paul and his spouse and partner Spanner will deliver after this so no pressure guys.
Whilst preparing this speech I also thought it would be interesting to see if any celebrity couples had been married on the same day as us. Paul Simon and Carrie Fisher wed in 1983…and split up after 9 months. Oh dear

When I first told people we were getting married, I was really surprised at the number of married men advising me not to. Those people will remain nameless but I am open to bribes.
When thinking about what to put in my speech I looked around at variety of
sources. But I always ended up back at the big man.
The true light.
My guiding spirit.
The one who has a following of millions.
He who is known as Homer Simpson.
When asked what marriage is like he responded:
“Marriage is like being married to your best friend.”
“And he lets you play with his boobs.”
Not that either of the two best men have let me, mind you – I'm more of a leg man myself.
So, just to set people straight, these two gentlemen are not bouncers but my two best men. And they have indeed lived up to that billing. When I told people who I had picked, there were a few raised eyebrows, ok, only from their spouses as neither Paul nor Spanner are particularly renowned at the best of time for their organisation or timekeeping skills. But in the end my confidence was well placed. The boy have done me proud and have both risen to the occasion @ which is, I'm told, is a rare and generally unexpected achievement for either of them these days.
Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of my wife…and I…I suppose I'm going to have to get used to that. Anyway, apparently my job to do all the thank you's. I would like to start by thanking one person in particular who is no longer with us and that is my father, Monty who, incidentally, first introduced Tania to me while he was carrying her away over his shoulder at a party. Tonight, it will be me preforming that but I shall do it legless – just to get one over him. I'm sure he is sitting at the Great Mangatanoka bar in the Sky no doubt having a quiet one with us. Dad.
The next list is what I call the Academy Awards or thank you list. Please bear with me and no ringing of bells.
Tania's Parents – Vance and Adrienne for bringing up such a beautiful, intelligent daughter. I'll leave you to argue over which trait comes from who. And not forgetting the support and advice of their Partners Cheryl and Roy respectively.

My Mother Bubbs and her husband Ken for their never@ending support. Mum always said I was going to marry Tania one day so once again, Mother's always right.
The Bridal Party – Liz, Bernie, Paul and Spanner and especially their spouses for their patience. A special note of thanks to Karen for the silk roses and table@runners. Those finer details made this night truly magical and I don't think people may be aware of the astronomical amount of work carried out behind the scenes so I take my hat off to you all.
Padre Ra for the service and wonderful words.
Support of my extended Whanau or Family and notably my sister Kushla, for their never@ending nor questioning love and support.
Tania's extended Whanau for their acceptance and blessing to finally formalise what should have happened long before now.
Norman D for his many fatherly words of guidance and wisdom over a quiet pint or two.
Mark and Julia for the kind use of the classy use of the Silver winged Lady today. So much more appropriate than the Austin Princess we had originally considered, then again there's very few people that really appreciate a true classic.
To the many families who have their origins back at Lynette Place, Mangere for making the huge sacrifice of travelling many miles to be here. The Pedersens, The Windusts and the Colmans. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, I stand proudly before you and at last reveal myself as the village idiot.
A thank you to all our friends and associates, work or pleasure who have chosen to give up their time to be here and support us on this day.
A special heartfelt thanks of appreciation to Warren H, Danny D, Steve G, Lobby V, Tash B, John O, Fraser A, Jodie L and especially my boss Bill OB for their generous and tireless work behind the scenes preparing and serving the meal and venue tonight. Their efforts put the word “Special” into Special Occasion and we would not have had this day without all your efforts.
My Wedding Photographer, Greg P who created some hugely creative images for us to relive a wonderful day. I just hope it isn't too expensive to fix that broken lens.
Our wonderful two kids, Renee and Eric who were a credit to their parents whoever they are.
And lastly, I also must thank Bob for being such a great MC. His ability to speak so much but yet say so little is nothing short of amazing but you get used to that after drinking with him on Fridays.
If I missed anyone else, I offer my sincerest apologies or it may check to see that you're actually at the right wedding.
Thank to anyone who, against instructions, still provided cards and gifts – we are very touched at your generosity and I'm certainly looking forward to seeing how Paul has managed to gift@wrap a Wheelbarrow!! I would also like to particularly add thanks for the 14 day Pacific cruise.
I say would like to add thanks, but as no one got us one, I can't.
When I discussed the wedding list with Tania, her only suggestion to me in between &quotDo this&quot and &quotDo that&quot was a dishwasher, but I told me not to worry as when Renee comes home from boarding school, it's almost good as one in the same… I was thinking more along the lines of MTA vouchers considering the price of petrol these days
As I glance around, it amazes me how well half of you brushed up tonight so it just shows the lengths some people will go to for a free meal.
Many of you may have been wondering why we have had such a long engagement – 18 years isn't all that long really. Anyway, I found this story that was almost written just for us.

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy …..… So the
apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along @ the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree.

But it may also pay to remember … Men are like fine wine. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

To Tania's family.
I feel very proud to be able to say that I am your son@in@law and I will always do my best to live up to your expectations and promise to take care of Tania…and of course do everything she tells me to do…
Now I'm not saying she's bossy…but I know my place!
As some of you know there is an age gap between Tania and I…although as a gentleman I cannot tell you exactly how much younger I am…but I did say to her I would marry her before her 40th birthday which I'm happy to say I achieved by about 5 weeks ……
Tania, my biggest thank you is to you.
I want to thank you for being here now as my wife, even though you're
probably suffering in silence. She knows all about me and married me just the same. I am sure you will all agree how stunning she looks today it's amazing what $65 can buy. And I don't mean the dress. She first saw the flowers and then just had to buy the matching dress, shoes, underwear &amp Jewellery.
Today she looked stunning and I suppose I should be used to it now as Tania always dresses to kill, but unfortunately she also cooks the same way. Although I shouldn't have a go at her cooking that much, she done a lovely meal a few days ago only slightly burning it…..… But it was a lovely salad.

Seriously though, I can honestly say I was overwhelmed when Tania walked into the church today, and I would like everyone here today to know how happy I feel that Tania agreed for me that I was to be her husband. She is beautiful, intelligent, charming@ the list goes on @ but unfortunately I can't read the rest of her writing!!

Ok, well that's it, we've got your presents, you've got your food, take it easy on the booze because I can get a credit back on any you don't drink and enjoy the rest of the night and don't forget that tickets for The Pink Floyd Experience are on sale soon….hint hint
So now, please suspend your belief for the next 5 minutes, as you listen to the Best Men's speech so on behalf of my wife, it's goodnight from her and it goodnight from me.