Speech by Eddie Townsend

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Eddie Townsend
Speech Date: 26/08/2011 08:54:16

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

I just want to say few words before I hand you over to my best man. Knowing Ian as I do, it feels a little like handing my executioner his own axe. I'm sure however that Ian will only have focussed on my good points, so those of you expecting a long speech from him will be very disappointed.

If I may, I would like to start with a couple of really important thank you's. Firstly, and I think perhaps most importantly to my beautiful wife Kate, who against all the odds, most peoples advice and possibly her mum and dad's wishes turned up to marry me today.

It's funny, but all week I know that Kate has been worrying about the weather, her dress, walking down the aisle in front of everyone, not getting too drunk before the ceremony, not getting drunk enough after the ceremony, and of course whether to turn up. I on the other hand have only had to worry that her drugs might wear off before she said I do.

I'm also going to say a quick thank you to those people who bet me that she would come to her senses and run. I'll be collecting the money in the bar later!

Now you all know I'm quite shy and not one to be the centre of attention. So this is a one off. Firstly I'm not going to talk for very long, and secondly I think for probably the first and last time..… my wife is letting me say a few words on behalf of both of us. Obviously it's a privilege and an honour to do so, and I'm desperately hoping that I don't let her down only 6 hours into our married life. I'll save that for the bedroom later on.  

So here we go. My speech is much like one of Kate's mini-skirts. Long enough to cover the essentials, short enough to hold your attention! To be honest I didn't know where to start when I was writing it so I had a look on the internet. I can honestly say that after a few hours of surfing I‘d found some amazing stuff, and some stuff I still don't believe is possible, but absolutely nothing to do with speeches.

Seriously though, I'd like to start by saying how great it is to have so many of our closest family and friends here today helping us to celebrate. Or in Kate's case commiserate. We know that most of you have had to travel to be here and that means a great deal to both of us. I can honestly say that it wouldn't be the same without you all. I'm pretty certain if it had just been the 2 of us and we had started drinking at 12, we'd both already be drunk and in bed.   

Thanks for coming, and for your really generous gifts. I know that we are both really looking forward to our honeymoon. I'm looking forward to spending 2 weeks with Kate, sharing some great experiences and building some fabulous memories. Kate's looking forward to getting drunk and not being in work. 

Sadly, there are some people who couldn't make it today for various reasons. And as some of you may know, my poor brother is having to struggle his way through a 2 week family holiday in Barbados at the moment. More importantly, I know that my mum would have loved to have been here today, and to have finally seen me so happy. I know she would have thought the world of Kate, and rightly so, and I know that theyd have got on really well. They actually have a lot in common. Like my mum, Kate has an obsessive cleaning disorder and is afraid of spiders and insects of any kind. She also makes world class Yorkshire puddings and has an uncanny ability to hear me trying to climb up the stairs quietly when drunk. 

So with all those people who can't be with us in mind, and particularly my mum, would you please all stand, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to absent family & friends.

(To absent family and friends)

Now there are a number of people that we would especially like to mention and to thank. I'd like to begin with Kate's mum and dad, Sheila and David. I can honestly say that their opinion of me hasn't changed from day 1. I knew I was off to a good start when I first met them and they both warned me what would happen to me if I ever upset their daughter. Things certainly didn't improve when I went to give Sheila a kiss goodbye, and she turned towards me and we ended up snogging on the lips. I'm pretty convinced it wasn't a complete accidental on her part.

But I do know today has been very emotional for both of them, and particularly for Kate's Dad. Ever since we told him we were getting married, he has been worrying about whether he would be able to sit through a 20 minute wedding service without a cigarette.

To be fair I have always known I hadn't created quite the right impression with David when I asked him for Kate's hand in marriage. Not sure how to ask, I told David that I needed to have a private word with him. I told him how much I loved his daughter and respected his opinion of me. And I told him that that I wanted to ask him something face to face. “She's pregnant isn't she” were his exact words. Realising that wasn't the case, he then asked me how much I needed to borrow and when he'd get it back. I've often thought I should have taken the money and worried about asking him the other question another time.

I'd also need to thank Kates brother Michael for getting Kates dad here at the right time, in the right place, on the right day, and in the right suit. Just proving that minor miracles do happen. Kate is also particularly grateful to Mike for accepting the curse of the family eyebrows. I guess that I'm just lucky that Kate got David's patience and understanding.  

Genuinely though, I couldn't ask for nicer in-laws, and clearly you are both jointly responsible for bringing Kate up to become the woman that I have married today and I promise not to hold that against you.

Sheila, David, I want you to know that I love your daughter very much, despite her OCD and need to make me clean things all the time, and that I will do everything I can to continue to make her happy. Sheila…….we would like to present you with a little something as a token of our love and appreciation…….and I might even brave a kiss with this many witnesses around.

(Hand over Flowers)

Please don't worry everyone. I only have a couple more thank you's before tonight's comedian takes the stage.

I mentioned my mum earlier, and I want to say a few words about my dad or granddad as he is more regularly referred to. Don't worry David Kates not pregnant….… Yet. For any of you who haven't met my dad, he's the silver fox standing………..

I know most sons grow up looking up to their dads. I know I certainly did. Clearly Joe and Adam might be a couple of exceptions to that rule………..

I'm pretty sure I haven't always made your job easy, but I do know that I am extremely lucky to have you as my dad. Everything that you do for me, for Kate, for Joe and for Adam is really appreciated. My dad is that ideal sort of granddad, who still loves doing all the things that kids find enjoyable. He still plays football at 75, and he is taking Joe and Adam to the south of France for a week on Tuesday. I think Adam sums it up best when he says he will probably go to Sheffield university so he can live with Granddad, and that when he gets older he wants to be a pensioner just like his granddad.

The truth is, if Kate and I are even half as happy as my mum and dad were, then we are going to have a great marriage and a great life together.  

I suppose I should also say a few words about Joe and Adam. They're the 2 looking really embarrassed about their dad as usual. I hope that you both know how much I love you. I don't think any dad could have asked for 2 sons he would be more proud of (except grandad obviously!)

If I was to say anything to the 2 of you today, it would be make sure that you empty the dishwasher, put your clothes away and try tidying the games up in the sitting room.

Only joking…………….I'm just glad that you are both here to help us celebrate. Despite the fact that they would prefer to be in trackie bottoms and teeshirts, I'm sure you will all agree they scrub up pretty well.

I also need to say a few words about our bridesmaids today, Gabby and Louisa. Kate and I really value your friendship, and I know how much Katee has appreciated your support and help in the run up to today. I also know how much she enjoyed her hen party in Barcelona. Kates already given you a small gift prior to the wedding, but we really wanted you to have these as a thank you and as a memento of today.

Ladies & gentlemen, in time honoured tradition, can I ask you to raise your glasses as I get to propose a second toast. This time, to the bridesmaids…………….

And of course, I have to say a few words about my best man. There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I'd like to thank have Ian for sticking to that. I'm sure you will agree that he has added an air of nightclub bouncer respectability’ to his role. I have known Ian for nearly 10 years now and throughout that time I can honestly say that he has been a constant source of alcohol and embarrassment. I have a feeling the embarrassment is going to continue over the next few minutes, even if it's all completely made up. Thanks for sorting out the stag do Ian. It's the only time I have seen a compere at a comedy club lost for words and slurring at the end of his routine.

Ian, before your speech I will say that you are a top lad and a great friend. And here is a little something to say thank you for being my best man today.

And that leads me finally, and most importantly on to the star of the today, my gorgeous new wife Kate – I can't even begin to tell you how absolutely beautiful you look today. When I saw you coming up the isle I realised just how lucky I am. Looking at you today, it is clear to everyone that it is definitely me getting the best of this deal.

Kate, I love you in so many ways and for so many reasons, you know me and understand me like no one else ever could, you make me laugh so hard and smile so often, you have a way of bringing out the very best in me, but mostly because you're my very best friend and my thumb war buddy.

I know that they say you don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you can't live without and I think that sums us up perfectly. If I had to single out one thing about why I love apart from the fact that you can out drink me, it would be the fact that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be, and I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you just as happy.

Having lived with Kate for a while now, It's fair to say I have learned many valuable things. I have learned what a tumble dryer is. I have learnt how to hoover properly, and how to fold towels correctly on the airer. I've also learnt that I don't run very fast, I eat far too fast and far too noisily and I've also learnt that it's not always good to say things out loud. I‘ve also learnt not to mention Kate's baby hands, her incredible reversing elbows or the fact that she sleep walks with disastrous effects at times. I'm also banned from ever mentioning her varicose vein!

Seriously though, I never have a problem finding the words to express how much I love Kate, and how much I can't wait for us to spend the rest of our lives together. We joke about the 2 of us sitting on bench on the sea front eating fish and chips when we are old and grey, and that's something that I will always look forward to without ever forgetting to enjoy all the amazing times that we have ahead of us starting in San Francisco and Hawaii in a couple of weeks.

Having seen Kate conquer her fears and sky dive from 21,000 feet, having seen her complete an open water swim in Windermere and her first triathlon down in Eton, I know that our lives are going to be constantly full of new challenges that we will enjoy together.

I couldn't wish to have met anyone more perfect for me that day in a communal changing room, so ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to my beautiful and amaaazzzzzzing wife, Kate.

Now, I'm not going to stand here all night and bore you all with a load of stale old jokes. That's the Best Man's job! So, without further ado, I'd like to hand over to Ian.